my own worst enemy
I guess it goes without saying that G and I are over. He’s been in New Zealand now for two months.
We hung out again after I got back from visiting home during Christmas. We went out to a really great Italian restaurant to catch up. He brought me almond champagne and we went out east to celebrate one of my friend’s birthday. It was the first time he was meeting anyone in my group of friends…besides of course for the mutual friend who introduced us.
I remember being weary of the thought of G, the gentleman, the well-to-do, well-educated prep, gorgeous and dark featured rich kid meeting my friends… I don’t know if I was caught up in a twisted fixation of my own judgment, or what it was that made me nervous… I guess I was scared I wouldn’t be “myself.� Whoever the hell that is. I was scared of being put on the spot by my friends. What if they thought I was putting on a show for G if I wasn’t being my loud and obnoxious self? What if they didn’t like him? What if he didn’t like them? Would it matter?
It is a little sobering to think about… because I guess the only way I can explain it was that I honestly thought he was better than me. Like I had some secret about myself I needed to hide. I was so afraid of him finding out that I’m imperfect (gasp!) that I kept pushing him away with all my might…hoping the opposite wouldn’t inevitably occur.
November 26th, 2009 at 10:12 am
i fully true! I think your blog is awsome . thanks