Dating Outlook

These are all extracts from They Call Me Naughty Lola by David Rose, published by Profile Books.

:: I like my women the way I like my kebab. Found by surprise after a drunken night out and covered in too much tahini. Before long I’ll have discarded you on the pavement of life, but until then you’re the perfect complement to a perfect evening. Man, 32, rarely produces winning metaphors.

:: Your buying me dinner doesn’t mean I’ll have sex with you. I probably will have sex with you, though. Honesty not an issue with opportunistic male, 38.

:: Not everyone appearing in this column is a deranged cross-dressing sociopath. Let me know if you find one and I’ll strangle him with my bra. Man, 56.

:: Are you Kate Bush? Write to obsessive man (36). Note, people who aren’t Kate Bush need not respond.

:: Stroganoff. Boysenberry. Frangipani. Words with their origins in people’s names. If your name has produced its own entry in the OED then I’ll make love to you. If it hasn’t, I probably will anyway, but I’ll only want you for your body. Man of too few distractions, 32. - this one is my ultimate favorite as I am such a word-person. LOL

:: Mature gentleman, 62, aged well, noble grey looks, fit and active, sound mind and unfazed by the fickle demands of modern society seeks…damn it, I have to pee again.

:: Romance is dead. So is my mother. Man, 42, inherited wealth.

:: I’ve divorced better men than you. And worn more expensive shoes than these. So don’t think placing this ad is the biggest comedown I’ve ever had to make. Sensitive F, 34.

:: List your ten favourite albums… I just want to know if there’s anything worth keeping when we finally break up. Practical, forward thinking man, 35

:: My ideal woman is a man. Sorry, mother

personal ads, humor, They Call Me Naughty Lola, David Rose

I checked out 50 Dates Worse Than Yours by Justin Racz from the library last week and it has given me quite the laugh. I decided that I’d share two of my favorite bad dates with ya’ll! (BTW, if you’re lurking & reading, let me know!)

#14. Passover
The Date: the holiday requires Jews to open their doors to all those who do not have a place to celebrate Passover. All his older brothers & sisters are married, so you better look good.
Location: Gramma Bubbe’s stuffy one-bedroom apartment in Queens.
He said: “Why is this night different from all other nights? Because you look Jewlicious.”
She said: “Why is your grandmother crying?”
Best part: When he preemptively called you his girlfriend and kissed you on the cheek.
Worst part: His gefilte fish breath.

#41. She Didn’t Shut Up
The Date: To avoid any awkward silence, she spews forth a run-on sentence comprised of commentary about her life so far, a recitation of the menu, her great ambitions, and the haunting traumas of her upper-middle-class family.
Location: Unfortunately, a very quiet restaurant.
He said: “Uh-huh. Yeah. You don’t say. Hmm. Uh-huh.”
She said: “… which is when my parents got divorced which likely resulted in my other brother Jason dropping out of college to join an ashram where he got addicted to black tea and then got involved in an herbal products pyramid scheme which brings me back to my point that …”
Best Part: The brief moment she choked on a carrot.
Worst Part: When the waiter knew the Heimlich maneuver.

dates, 50 Dates Worse Than Yours, Justin Racz, dating humor

Dating sites are dangerous places. Seriously … there are a million things that could go wrong with an internet date … and sometimes they happen before we even meet the person we’re talking to. The following is an email that goes around randomly sometimes, but someone else has decided to use it as their personal ad. Do they really believe that this is going to attract a woman? It might attract a man of the same sense of humor, but otherwise … I’m boggled.

25 Rules for Women, as Dictated by Men

1. SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.
2. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
3. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew or the local Patagonia store.
4. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
5. Butthead is the smart one. (And that is why I shall call you Butthead.)
6. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
7. You probably don’t want to know what we’re thinking about.
8. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about “us” and “the relationship.”
9. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
10. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.
11. Socks never constitute a gift. (If you’d remember that we like gifts, too, maybe you won’t get socks this year!)
12. I just noticed there was never a #12. Weird.
13. We don’t know anything about handbags. Don’t even ask.
14. We did water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.
15. Even if you think he’s cute, Kevin Costner can’t act.
16. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do “Sirens” rather than “Waterworld.”
18. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.
20. Its in neither your interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
21. Don’t expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.
22. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation are not.
23. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.
24. No, you can’t have the remote control.
25. If you must take us with you into Victoria’s Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.

dating, humor, men & women, personal ads