Dating Outlook

Posts will be few and far between this week as San Diego is being engulfed by wildfires. Please say a prayer for the evacuees.

xoxo
Sandy

A post or two ago I started talking about Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs) and today I stumbled (while doing some research … not just a “hey, I’m going to go play a game, whoa, now I know how to live with Herpes!” kind of stumbling) across a Q & A “article” that made me stop & read it. I thought that I should share it with ya’ll!

Q: I was diagnosed with genital herpes in 2001. My outbreaks sometimes have me in tears for days. How can I try to have a healthy sex life when it’s so easy to pass along this disease? I feel it’s not fair to my partner, and having it makes me feel like I’m not worthy of healthy sex or that I shouldn’t be experimenting with anything because I’m “dirty” now.

A: Forty five million Americans, or nearly one in five people, have the same illness. Another 100 million Americans have oral herpes, aka cold sores, though there is far less of a stigma associated with that strain. All chronic STDs are the result of a virus that can never be eliminated from the body; however, many options exist for managing them.

A healthy, happy sex life is absolutely possible with herpes. However, you must believe it to make it happen. Reach out for support so you can begin getting rid of the shame you feel. Your statements that you feel “not worthy” and “dirty” are powerful feelings. Visiting a therapist can help you accept your condition and focus on moving forward. There are also online support groups for people with herpes. They can offer excellent information and connect you with others going through similar struggles.

Aside from giving your mind the attention it deserves, a healthy lifestyle will help minimize herpes episodes. Getting enough sleep, eating right, and minimizing stress all go a long way toward keeping breakouts to a minimum. Several medications on the market also help.

Negotiating sex with a new partner simply requires honesty. Everyone has something they don’t like about their sexuality or their past. You should be clear about your diagnosis at the beginning of a relationship and if your partner is not willing to work around it, then he is not the right person for you. Arming yourself with the facts will help the conversation go more smoothly. Though there is a small risk of passing on the virus when you don’t have any lesions (via a process known as shedding), studies show that consistent condom use largely minimizes this risk. When you have a visible herpes outbreak, sexual activity should be avoided entirely. This includes oral sex too, since herpes can be passed from the mouth to the genitals.

A good way to begin easing your way back to a regular sex life may be to check out online dating sites for people with chronic STDs. Though you don’t have to limit yourself to them forever, it’s a good place to start.

… but need to anyway.

Whether you were taught to call them Sexually Transmitted Diseases or Sexually Transmitted Infections, you need to be aware of the fact that they’re still out there! Dating can be a dangerous playground mentally & emotionally, and especially physically! I am going to take some time to concentrate on the most common sexually transmitted infections for a bit in hopes of educating someone!

First on my list is a virus containing more than 100 different strains or types: the human papilomavirus, with more than 30 of these viruses transmitted sexually can infect the genital area of men and women including the skin of the penis, vulva (area outside the vagina), or anus, and the linings of the vagina, cervix, or rectum. The “high-risk” viruses may cause abnormal Pap smears, can lead to cancers of the cervix, vulva, vagina, anus or penis. “Low-risk” can cause mild Pap smear abnormalities or genital warts. Scarily enough, 1/2 of the sexually active population (yes, 50%) acquire HPV in their lifetime. By the time women are 50, 80% will have acquired the virus. About 6.2 million Americans get a new genital HPV infection each year.

Read more about HPV including signs & symptoms, facts about men & HPV, vaccinations & cures, and outbreak reduction strategies.

STI’s, STD’s, genital warts, human papilomavirus, HPV, cervical cancer, sex

What happens when you speed date and decide that most of the potential partners you meet are date-able? According to a research student from Northwestern University (of 156 college students), you look desperate! “If you are unselective in your approach, people are going to be able to tell and are not going to like it,” said Eli J. Finkel, a co-author of the study, due to be published in the April issue of Psychological Science.

For simply platonic relationships, experts have said all you need to do to get someone to like you, is to like them. However, within romantic relationships, this newest study suggest that the “what a friendly guy” or the “what a nice girl” tone doesn’t work - it seems more desperate and even that hint of despair may be unappealing.

During this speed-dating study, potential “matches” (between 9 and 13 members of the opposite-sex) spoke for four minutes. After the meeting questions were answered about sexual attraction & likability of the prospective partners. Partners received contact information from others with a mutual “yes” answer. After this information was released, Paul Eastwick, a Northwestern graduate student (as well as the study’s lead author) said; “we know that to the extent you liked everyone, you tend not to be liked,” Selectivity worked, however. “If you go speed dating, and you like one [date] more than the other dates, that person is more likely to like you back,” he said. According to Eastwick, the study underscores “the importance of making a date feel unique or special even in the first four minutes.”

While the study shows that selectivity can work, there is no solid evidence as to what “cues” work best on helping couples “click.” Susan Sprecher, a professor of sociology and psychology at Illinois State University cited other research that found that playing hard to get with everyone didn’t always work. “But playing selectively hard to get does work,” she said. This could mean that by playing hard to get you can make your potential partner believe that it’ll be easy for him or her to “get” you while it makes everyone else struggle.

So, overall what does this mean? Two major things stand out for me:
- make your date feel special in four minutes … (we’ll have to figure out how to do this in a future blog)
- it’s okay to be picky - if you don’t like him (or her), you don’t have to feel guilty!

(It Pays to Be Picky in Love by Kathleen Doheny )

dating, speed-dating, being picky, men, women, relationships, Illinois State University, Kathleen Doheny, playing hard to get