Dating Outlook

So this boy… Who is great but you’re not attracted to… Well, this is tough… Because he’s fun to hang out with and great …but you’re not attracted to him. Fair enough.

Do you think you could be attracted to him? Is it even a remote possibility? Or is there something about him like a weight issue or acne or big ears or …? Something you can pinpoint and say that’s why there’s no attraction or do you think he is someone you could grow into liking eventually given his great personality?

I will be perfectly honest with you… –for me, personally—I know that if I’m not physically attracted to someone for whatever reason, it won’t work. Maybe it means I won’t really let it go anywhere, but in any case it’s nowhere is where it’s going. Capice? For me, if attraction is there, it’s there. If it isn’t, it isn’t. It’s really just an on/off switch for me. I guess I don’t have much of a gray area so if you’re like me and know it’s just soooo not there, then just be honest and tell him you do in fact think he’s really cool (great even) *smirk* but don’t want to lead him on because you just don’t feel “that” way about him… sigh.

Or you could humor him and go on a (singular, one) date –maybe a coffee date– with him and turn it into something platonic. Do you know what I mean? Have you ever done that? You’re out with someone and the conversation just kind of turns… platonic? It can be done…

It seems as though I don’t make decisions until something seems to stand in my way or someone tells me I can’t do it… and even though this gent in particular never told me I couldn’t do anything, essentially what I heard was that anything I wanted to do outside of San Diego would definitely not be with him, despite his greatness.

Then again, maybe if I were to be completely honest with myself I could attribute some of these feelings of just being content with liking someone far away.

Why would I waste my time? Because it’s safe, I’ve decided. And, I’m not really settling either. It’s the best of both worlds.

Think about it…if it doesn’t (which it won’t –although, I’m hearing my mom’s voice, “You never know,� echoing in my ears) work, it won’t be because of me or something I did. I won’t feel as much rejection. It’s such a long distance and those take work… so much that I don’t think either of us is really willing or able to put in to a full-on relationship right now… and so, when either one of us moves on (ahem, like my going on dates with all-but-perfect men and negating them as a prospect because they want to live close to their family…I need help), it won’t be because I’m neurotic or clingy or passive-aggressive or judgmental or just a jerk sometimes, but it will be because of the distance…or so we’ll say.

Or at least, that’s what I’ll tell myself. And that’s a safe place for me to be right now.

“Sandy, when you start seeing someone, do you ever imagine if it worked out, what your kids would look like? Like what they’d do and who they’d be when they grew up?� Um… what?

Shocked and not knowing how to respond exactly, (because…well, I’m a girl, of COURSE I imagine those things! Even though, I always fancied myself as one to adopt…and that’s if I decide to have kids…what the crap – I go from being terrified of children to suddenly ecstatic that someone has thought about procreating with me) I ask, “do you?�

Well, apparently you have. Duh.

“I asked you first…That’s why I asked you if you’re athletic.�

Uhhh… Okay, for reality’s sake—since all of it’s quite the long shot—we’ll say he’s athletic enough for the both of us. I was (am) the speech/theatre geek who still prides herself on her former thespian status. Not only does he coach multiple traveling soccer teams and pre-kick football, but plays in an independent league as well… pretty sure just being around the guy will make me athletic by association.

It’s a weird thought. I’ve got dark hair, dark eyes. He’s an Aryan stallion with piercing blue eyes. What would they look like? Ohhh pretty babies What would they do?

I don’t know but I have to admit, I’m more than a little intimidated at the thought of ever being pregnant by a soccer player… the kid would take that kicking thing they do to a whole new level. Not sure how I feel about that. I have a sensitive stomach.

Maybe he’ll be a drama king or she’ll be in choir… the American Idol twenty years from now?

Maybe in an event of irony, my hypothetical kid I’ll have in fifteen years will inspire me to become more athletic to get rid of the post-baby belly? Perhaps pull a Mommy Makeover or maybe, just maybe he’ll teach me how to play soccer.

I’m beginning to think I’m just a masochist.

What good can come out of hometown step-above flirtations that are carried on for months through text messaging and then reunited in the form of a hyperweek of hanging out, wishful smothering but trying to give the other person enough space because, let’s be real–it’s not going anywhere. It can’t.

Not only is he amazing, but I live 2000 miles away and in three days will be without his utter amazingness. Sigh. I sit thinking, is he really this amazing or is it the fact that soon I just won’t have my cuddle buddy that suddenly I think the unthinkable and that is, “well, you never know…we could try it out…blah blah blah.”

The lies we tell ourselves are hilarious. Really.

Okay.

Forget the menial detail of distance for a minute. Take into account the fact that he (and therefore his mother) is Catholic. Being the heathen child of an interfaith couple myself, I’m well aware of the unnecessary drama (”You’re not marrying my son…” etc) brought into one’s life because they neglected to take their parents’ “better” judgment into account. Brilliant.

Show of hands, get ready–random poll!– Who has seen the movie/read the book, “The 5 people you meet in Heaven?”…….. okay, good… well, this really has nothing to do with that other than the fact that the article is called,
The 6 people you meet in bars“…and I found it to be hilarious.

If you’re a frequent bar-goer, be on the lookout for these six who are guaranteed to either make or break your happy hour experience.

And remember, if you don’t meet any of them, chances are you’re one of them… which one are you?

I’m curious…

Following up, I think “Can you forgive–for real?” is a thinking piece… do you have someone in your life you need to forgive?

Give it time. If you’re the one doing the forgiving, know that forgiveness does not concede or say that what the other person did was right or even okay, but what it does do is free you from your internal prison of hate and resentment.

Do you need someone to forgive you for something you’ve done?

You might not be giving your loved one enough credit–they may have forgiven you aleady and you might just not know it yet.

Two dear friends of mine are very evolved in their abilities to forgive. Both are extraordinary women. Both have been betrayed by the love of their life and both of them somehow have found a very profound and loving grace within them that can only be described as unconditional love. The only thing I can think of comparing this love to is what I think of God to be, I guess.

When someone you’re so close to–whether you’re engaged, married or a best friend to, whatever–when that person betrays you by doing something that many people would find to be unforgiveable…cheating, blowing away a shared life savings, essentially living a double life… what is it in us that allows us to forgive that person?

At the risk of sounding trite, I think of relationships as a sort of social bank account. Depositing time, energy and love accrues over time and eventually makes a pretty good foundation on which two people can have a decent bond.

But when one of those people withdraws to the point where they’re over-drawing, start accumulating metaphorical fees and get stuck in the red… how do we get back to the safe place where the red is no longer a worry?

Or is it always there?

We all have them… but are we aware of them?

I wonder what my reputation is… if I had to guess, I’d say I have the reputation of being notoriously loud… and, well…I probably talk too much. And, honestly that’s all I can think of right now.

When you begin dating someone, do you know their reputations already? Guess? Do you meet their friends? If you live in a small community where there is literally three degrees of separation of everyone being practically related, do you investigate to try to puzzle together the idiosyncracies of your date’s personality before they’re blatantly put out in front of you (or you along with the world) to see?

If your guy is a hothead and flies off the handle, would you want to know that ahead of time?

If he galavants and has commitment issues, would you rather talk to a past fling of his to get the truth (or maybe a jealous psycho rage, who really knows for sure?) about his ways or go through the course at your own speed and find out in your own way?

I was out with a guy friend of mine recently. At one point during the night he made a point to tag back a would-be date for Saturday night with full intention of having just the right amount of noise and women’s laughter in the background.

Call it whatever you want –ultimately, it’s a strategy.

Do you ever do this? I’m probably guilty, though I’m not much of a player in these sorts of games so much as an oblivious bystander at times… ha.

Come on, it’s clever. It’s a way to be available without being too available. It’s a way of showing interest minus the desperation factor and basically sums a guy up to showing said girl that he does in fact have a life outside of her–and has friends even!– and is fully capable of carrying on with or without her.

Smooth move my friend Here’s to you and a-hoping you get a lil sum’sum set for Saturday!

Texting… what a phenomenon. I’ve talked to friends about it… and the consensus seems clear, “it’s just so much easier than picking up the phone and talking (even though it’s literally already in your hands right? Unless you’ve got text telepathy I mean come on)”

So how does it affect our dating lives? I guess we can multi-text …if someone’s main concern is a booty call, triple text some potential poo-tang and see whoever’s available?

Tonight was probably my first really long text session… unfortunately my plan doesn’t cover unlimited texting which means I’m dinged $0.10 for each–sent and received… sigh.

Oh well, maybe one day I’ll grow up and be able to use a phone

Okay so I thought “Quiet Parties,” were the new and crazy thing in dating…shows just how out of the loop I am.

Silly Sandy. Looking in all the wrong places.

Apparently there’s a whole slew of random dating action occurring and it’s all right at your fingertips. I recommend checking out New Mating Rituals …
So, the Quiet Party is just the beginning. They’ve even hooked technology into it–mobile to mobile compatibility alerts are making their way into the dating realm. Who’d a thunk?

I’m always interested to hear about new and innovative ways of dating… I thought all of them were kind of washed up and old but just when I thought I’d heard everything… I stumbled upon “The Quiet Party.”

If you reside in either NYC or San Francisco, you might have heard of it… apparently, spoken word is forbidden at these organized “parties,” and potential daters must communicate by writing only. The only way to get around this rule is to go to a “whispering area” where participants are allowed to finally break the silence.

Contact info for hosting a party in your city, FAQ’s and more information can be found at Quiet Party

Recently, I was having a “girls night” complete with pj’s, makeup and foot scrub, when it was crashed by a bunch of guys raring to play beer pong. One of whom just so happens to be an “ex” for lack of a better word…. we were never quite official. This “ex” has an ego big enough for its own area code. This “ex” also has a girlfriend… or, ahem, apparently now the group refers to her as the (insert more derogatory term for “friend w/benefits” here… I’ll give you a hint– it rhymes with chuck fuddy).

Though a little painful (I really liked this one, okay!) …the kind of pain you feel when you’re getting blood drawn–nothing unbearable but annoying nonetheless and you’re reminded of it the rest of the day by that stupid makeshift band-aid that’s really just a piece of gauze taped to your arm hair.

Anyway, awkwardness was averted due to forced civil contact, thankfully… but I couldn’t help but notice his not-so-subtle attempts to get noticed. On not one but two–count them–TWO separate occasions I came downstairs, otherwise known as the scene of the beerpong festivities, and was obviously in search of something (first I was lookin for a couple of my galpals, another time a vacuum…it was a party, what do you expect when there are drunk people and breakables around?) and he literally stood up, made eye contact with me and said, “I’m right here…. hey. Sandy. I’m right here.”

TWICE. HE SAID THIS on TWO separate occasions…

??

I was not looking for him. Either time. Irritating… especially since this is the same guy who randomly will hit and run me on myspace just to continue in the game playing… Is he trying to see if I’ll bite? Well watch out honey, Sandy’s ’bout to get rabid…

Are you wonderer? When it doesn’t work out with a guy and I find out he’s with someone new, I find myself wondering what it is that is making it work with “her” instead of me.

Is it her hair? Does she smell nicer? Does she boost his ego and tell him his butt is cute?

What does she do different that I didn’t do? What does she have that I don’t? Are her lips fuller? Is she blonde? more tan? Is she fluent in three languages? Does she want to settle down and have his babies or is she restless …like me?

Is it the sex? Is that all? Does he get butterflies when he’s around her? Does he ever get wrapped up in the folds of my memory? Does he ever miss me?

Perhaps it’s our masochistic nature that compels to compare ourselves to others… even if they don’t quite exist in our world. It’s the past… I should be over it…especially if it was my decision, right? Yes. Lay it …her… him… all thoughts to rest.

Do you believe things happen for a reason? That there is no such thing as a coincidence?

I always thought I happen to live a rather serendipitous lifestyle…and after watching the movie “Serendipity,” I’m even more convinced. It’s a few years old and stars John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale… if you haven’t seen it, I’m sure you’ve heard of it.

Here’s a short synopsis courtesy movies.yahoo.com:

“It’s a bustling day in New York City, and amidst the usual mad rush, the paths of two strangers collide as they fall victim to a mutual, all-consuming attraction. Despite the fact that each is involved in another relationship, Jonathan and Sara bide their time, staying connected by wandering through Manhattan and talking until the wee hours, while never mentioning each other’s names. But, when the night reaches an inevitable end, the two are forced to determine the next step. When the smitten Jonathan suggests an exchange of phone numbers, Sara has a different idea in mind that will allow fate to take control of the future. If they are meant to be together, she convinces him, the universe will reveal its telltale signs. At least that’s the plan… ”

Sandy wants to hear from you! Look at that, not only is she writing in the third person, she wants to have a little experiment.

Taken people–do you believe you’re with your true soulmate? The one person in the universe that is your real complement? Have you met your match?

Single people–do you ever wonder if the person with whom you’re destined to be is someone you already know/pass by on a regular basis/is someone merely tolerating their current existence/path/lifestyle until fate takes control? Or maybe it has already………

Do you see fate working its way into your life?