Dating Outlook

My friends (a couple) got married last Saturday.

It is really hard for me to come to grips with reality and realize that yes, I am in fact old enough for the people around my age – including my (gasp!) friends – to get married. They are off making life commitments to each other. “Til death do us part.� The Word says so. I on the other hand, have issues committing to a picking up the office payroll. Who knows? I might get stuck in traffic/what if I get in a car accident?/the (gorgeous mmm) FedEx guy might show up at my door…whatev. Any and/or all of the above are plausible consequences to my aforementioned “commitment.� Til DEATH DO US PART?! Really?

Does it count if either of us is responsible for said (accidental of course! Sheesh!) death… of one or the other? What if we just so happened to become so passionate in love that one of us licks and therefore eats the other alive? What if my beloved (let’s pretend it’s the FedEx guy, k?) actually spoon-feeds himself to me (like frozen custard!) in order to “become oneâ€? with me? Does the “til deathâ€? rule have a cannibalism clause? I must say, that really is a whole new take on that Spice Girls hit…(singing…totally on key) When two become one… anyway…

Hey, I just want to know what I’m in for when I’m committing to anything (or anyone! for that matter), for life… Hmm… I may need to consult a lawyer…sounds a bit like a contract to me… “Each party MUST refrain from biting to wherefore said teeth protrusion breaks skin and therefore leads to the eating of the other alive…� Now that’s romance. I’m getting giddy. (Sarcasm, people…read it. Please, just roll your eyes and move on.)

What is my deal, man? Is my mom right? Have I just not found the “right one� yet? Or am I just a commit-o-phobe/ relationship-relunct? What is the fundamental difference between me … and a marital maven?

It’s been awhile. I’ve been on hiatus…studying for the GRE, taking the GRE, researching grad schools… it’s been a trip. Admittedly, not as cool as the trip to Japan I’m about to go on in two months, but a trip nonetheless. Here’s hoping.

Looks like I’ve got some catching up to do.

Since my sabbatical, I have dated a few men… a single dad originally from Minnesota who just so happens to live in my neighborhood in San Diego. I met him on the plane ride home for Christmas. I was seated next to him and his eight year old daughter. Now, I know I’ve read about how women automatically think too much into dating. We look way too far ahead for our own good. I would have to say that I’m guilty of doing that. Although, I think I do it to a different degree.

Here is this single dad. He teaches special needs children. He is involved with his daughters’ extra-curricular activities and even helps coach softball. He has an amazing sense of humor, is good looking and pretty much has a heart of platinum.

In a word: great. No, not great. Great! He deserves a capital “G.� Pretty sure his personality is who I eventually see myself with for the long haul…but the timing is just so off. That and, I guess I came to the ugly realization that I am too selfish to come second. Because of course, that’s the way it would have to be. He is a father. His little girl must be priority one. I’m not ready –and I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready—to settle for being put on the back burner.

I surprised myself this weekend.

I haven’t hung out with G since the night at his parent’s mansion and he kissed me out of nowhere. So fine. Whatever. Except that he insists on emailing me during the work week several times a day and asks if I’d be interested in hanging out with him and his friends who are coming to visit the following weekend. By the way, he thinks it’s time to see me drunk so he’ll recruit another to drive and we’ll just have a grand old time… okay..? He asks this on Monday and continues in shared dialogue with me throughout the rest of the week so I can analyze and dwell for five, six, seven days! Instead of just oh, two or something more reasonable… and Yadda yadda yadda…weekend comes, don’t hear a peep out of him. GAH!

And I tell myself, Sandy, sweetie. Sit down. He’s just not that into you. Say it with me. Honey, he’s…okay, he’s just…HE’s JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. Read the book. Or listen to the audio…it’s good.

And I know this. What’s funny is that I’m not all that into him either. Which is why I’m surprised. So, did I underestimate my feelings for him? Do I like him more than I think?

What’s worse is that I was helping a friend move all weekend. I was legitimately and quite genuinely busy most of the weekend. And when I was done I was tired–and am still sore actually.

Sure I could’ve sort of made time for him. But what’s sick is that I think I just wanted him to call because I wanted to be missed or something and honestly, part of me wanted to turn him down for hanging out and who knows, maybe I even wanted him to beg me a little. What can I say?

I know that’s terrible. What I typed right there, yes. I know. But I think it’s the truth. I really just missed the attention, that’s all. Sigh. I know that’s lame. Maybe even a little pathetic. But I know we all get to that point sometimes. And it sucks for a bit.

It’s times like these when I miss being a relationship person—I’m kind of an all or nothing girl I’m beginning to realize—and I’ll often wonder if leaving my ex-boyfriend was the right decision. I know it was for the time, but I can’t help but wonder what would be different if our paths crossed again.

By the way, he wants to see me in two weeks…did I tell you that? Dun dun dun.

I love the holidays. I’m a giver more than a receiver so I like to find the *perfect* gift. Have you read Holiday Gift Giving I and II? Read on for more ideas to share with your significant other this season…

If you happen to be or know someone who is crafty, there’s myriad of options for giving the greatest gift. In recent years, my mom’s favorite new hobby was knitting. Know a knit-wit? Consider knitting, crocheting or buying a homemade scarf or hat to give to your loved one.

Grandma loves to make denim quilts – which, by the way are amazing—they are so heavy and cozy! These are absolutely perfect for cuddling up by the fireplace on subzero nights in the cabin or during those freezing Minnesotan (or heck, all of the Midwest) months.

If you work well with wood either as a hobbyist or professional, consider making a plaque or display case. My dad has his own woodworking shop. It came in handy a few years ago when I was in a serious relationship and my boyfriend at the time was really into his guitar. I bought an eight inch replica and pleaded with Daddy to make a cube display case for the guitar to sit in. The beau loved it.

Hobby shops such as Hobby Lobby in the Midwest or Michael’s craft supply store make it pretty simple to come up with an idea and often have a good selection of “do it yourself� kits for making your own stained glass, jewelry and scrapbooks just to name a few.

Whatever you set your sights on, go into it with the right frame of mind and put your heart into it. Whoever is the recipient will surely know you thought long and hard into giving them a keepsake.

I love the holidays. I’m a giver more than a receiver so I like to find the *perfect* gift. Have you read Holiday Gift Giving I? Read on for more ideas to share with your significant other this season…

CD compilations are good if you’re familiar with your sweetie’s favorite genre—mixing in a few new indie and underground songs is always fun for me because I feel like I’m allowing the other person into my secret music club of awesomeness.

You don’t have to over-think it like I do. In fact, if you celebrate Christmas, I’d recommend including “Step into Christmas� by Elton John, Frank Loesser’s “Baby it’s Cold Outside,� or Brenda Lee’s “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree.� And I’m not Jewish, but I’ll admit, around the holidays I can’t get enough of Adam Sandler’s “Hanukkah� song.

Or! Do you play your own instrument? I had a boyfriend once who recorded himself playing a song he’d written to me. Romantic, right? If you’re a guy wanting to impress the girl in your life, this is a surefire way to get noticed and let her know you’re definitely into her.

DISCLAIMER: However, if you’re not exclusive or “official� yet, maybe wait to give a gift like this until after those boundaries have been set.

Nothing is worse than jumping the gun and scaring the other person off. If you think this would be a possibility, wait until Valentine’s day, her birthday, or a set “more official� anniversary date.

If you have been dating each other for awhile and know in fact that she is into you as much as you are into her and she enjoys gifts from the heart, you can’t go wrong. She will appreciate the thought, time and effort you took into doing something just for her. She will cherish it…and she’ll cherish you.

Do you have someone special in your life this holiday season? I do not. Well, not really. But for those of you who do and are finding yourself amid the struggle between finding something that person will really like and something that is sentimental and from the heart, here are a few ideas that have worked for me in the past…

I am a sucker for homemade gifts—I adore everything homemade—especially food. Every year, one of our family friends brings around a basket of fudge, muffins and sugar cookies every year. It’s one of the things I look forward to during the holidays.

Last year was the first year I spent away from home so I was unable to enjoy her basket of yummy goodness and I regretted it a little. This year, I’m making up for it and plan on stuffing myself.

This year I’m putting together goody baskets including almond bark dipped pretzels and holiday brownies. Don’t forget drinks! Homemade apple cider and hot cocoa will be sure to warm your honey’s heart *wink* Or! Try having eggnog on ice with a little bit of Captain Morgan—perfect for winding down by the fire. Oh, and don’t try roasting any chestnuts—especially if it’s early in the relationship.

Haha—I have been there, done that. Just an FYI – They stink up the house and aren’t very tasty. However, I guess it could be a good test of the other person’s patience, willingness to try new things and their sense of humor when things go awry… something to think about I suppose.

Since my unexpected parcel last week, I have had breakups—particularly mine with JC—on the mind. Thankfully as part distraction, I have been catching up on some reading this weekend. In Myreah Moore and Jodie Gould’s Date Like a Man, the ladies pull together a cut-and-dry “Ex-Files Quiz� to help women better identify when it is time to let go of that guy who just doesn’t seem to cut it…

“How do you know when it’s time to let go?

If you answered yes to five or more of the questions above, it’s time for you to ex-terminate your relationship.”

Wow. I’m taking a silent inventory and realizing just how much I’ve learned in my 7+ years of dating men… I must admit, my standards (which were slim to none when I began because I had even less of a clue then than I do now) have completely changed. It’s weird because I’ve become someone who follows intuition about each date and goes from there. I think it’s necessary to kiss the toads to figure out what you ultimately want out of a man, a relationship and yourself.

Wednesday night was happy hour. I invited A. I’m not sure why…I think I was scared he’d ask me to do something else with him instead and make me feel guilty if I declined.

“You know you can say no.� My (guy) friend B pointed out. And I know that is true, but I’ve been trying to give men a chance.

Sidebar: Apparently, according to a dear friend, I’m notorious for running away at warp speed when men show any minute interest in me. (It’s really no secret, I know I do it…it’s just easier than committing, getting hurt, etc.)

It was her suggestion that I give men a chance. Ha.

A “real� one. Or maybe even two chances because, well, as my mom says, “you never know.�

I have another friend who has this so-called “two date� rule where he makes sure to give the girls he dates at least two chances to see if they have any real potential. So as of late and for whatever reason I have been trying to follow the “two date� rule as well. I like to think of it as a way to ease myself in…to what, I’m not sure.

What I’ve found is that this “two date� rule is basically a free shot to either allow the other person to save face and give them a chance to redeem themselves or for me to try to redeem myself…although I’m too scared to initiate any communication at all so usually I’m not the one looking for another chance. It works for me right now. Is that so bad…or just sad?

My heart broke a little tonight. Last week, I spoke to my ex of two years. We’ve been broken up for a little over two years as well. Despite a tumultuous breakup, we’ve moved past it and are now amicable. I adore him. The problem was that I was not able to commit to him and didn’t see myself with him for the rest of my life. He thought… or “knew” I guess… that he was going to marry me.

Last Sunday when we spoke, I thought we’d reached a pivotal point. He was the one to end the conversation first this time and since I didn’t have much to talk about—because I was tired of making him listen to me complain or basically say the same thing over and over every time he talked to me—I barely talked at all. I figured he was finally over it. Over me.

Then tonight I checked the mail. There was a package. From JC. He’d been to a concert of one of his favorite artists recently and got me a signed album. Enclosed was this note:

Hey Sandy,

JC
I opened the CD case…underneath the CD are all the thank-you’s. Low and behold. There are both of our names. On the inside of her CD. I’m a little bit speechless. Wow.

G currently lives with his family because he’s finishing up school and about to head across the world in February to get his master’s. His family left to celebrate his grandmother’s 80th birthday in Florida. He was going to go with them, but had his ticket changed to fly in next week before Thanksgiving so he could have the place to himself and “have a get-together.� Apparently, it’s the party house and pretty much the place to be.

It’s seven o’clock and I’m more interested in taking a nap than showering and heading out the door to socialize somewhere I’ve never been with questionable company… I’m still not sure where “we� stand and am not in the mood to try to figure it out. Just friends? More than? Ugh. I’m exhausted.

“What if he wanted to stay this weekend for you, Sand?� My mom, always the optimist.

“I’m calling it. Watch, you’ll be the only one there.� My brother, typical guy.

“Bring your bathing suit too in case we go into the jcuz.� Another text from G…huh.

Okay, so I shaved my legs for him. Well, him and his friends …especially the girls because we’re more likely to notice those types of things. I swear, we doll ourselves up for women first because of the looming judgment that is inevitably going to be passed. Girls rip each other apart. Guys just reap the benefits of having the eye candy.

Contrary to popular belief, I’m not so arrogant as to think that he stuck around this weekend for me… Come on now, let’s be real. If I had a jacuzzi to keep me company, I probably wouldn’t mind having a place to myself for a weekend either.

A friend of mine used to joke that there were three things that made a man – looks, wealth and personality. If she found a guy who had two of the three, she would date him. One of the guys I am currently seeing has two of the three. Although, admittedly, I’d forfeit one to gain the third that just doesn’t seem to be there.

This guy has got the looks and he’s got the wealth. Unfortunately, the personality—or lack thereof—is a problem. I keep trying to force a connection. And I’m not sure why.

When sangria is involved, magically one appears. Funny how that works. It’s seriously like we both partake in drinking this potion known as alcohol and suddenly we’re more chatty, honest and interesting. Any other time that is spent with him feels like I am bored out of my mind.

What is hilarious—and maybe not to anyone else, but it is to me—is that he genuinely thinks he knows me really well. He thinks or knows that he’s got me pegged. He has me all figured out. I’m such a sweet, naïve “down homeâ€? (yes, he actually used that phrase hahahahahahahaha Honestly, I don’t even know what that means) girl who doesn’t do anything wrong.

Well, for the most part, he’s a little bit right. I’m a goody two-shoes. I’ll be the first to admit it… but as the skeletons in the closet post revealed, I do come with a side of crazy. I can be an uber-obnoxious, ultra ridiculous, arrogant loud mouth…pretty sure that’s a side he hasn’t seen.

Maybe I’m keeping him around to see his reaction when I do decide to fly my freak flag. I’ll get a kick out of it—I know, I’m sick. I wonder what he would think of that…

I was zoned out…and driving. Never a good combination. I was about to turn left into Von’s when I realized I’d miscalculated how close the median actually was. Without even looking behind me, I swerved to the right and proceeded to the stoplight. To my left, turning past me through the intersection, was a cop.

And to my amazement and shock, it wasn’t just any cop…but The Cop, who I dated about six months ago. Upon his graduation out of the academy, he was assigned to patrol not only the area I in which I work, but my neighborhood I live in as well. Perfect.

Thankfully, he didn’t pull me over. He must not have noticed my little indiscretion. Luckily, I don’t think he noticed me at all. Part of me wishes I could say the same about him. Truth be told, I about peed myself.

We’ve talked once since we stopped seeing each other. Apparently he has a girlfriend. The running gossip is that they can’t stand each other so they have a lot of makeup sex. The perfect glue to an imperfect relationship.

Rumor has it he’s been asking about me. Huh. Flattering. Even if it’s wrong, it feels like sweet revenge. Sure, it’s silent and immobile—but it’s just the thing a girl needs to hear sometimes. When for months I wondered if what I felt was really unrequited or if there actually was something there, it’s a nice reassurance that I’m not a total chump. There’s something oddly satisfying—not to mention ego-boosting— about actually hearing the hearsay and finding out that someone isn’t quite as over you as you once thought.

So I have this friend, K. K is 25. She’s a SoCal original – Tall, strawberry blonde, blue eyes. And a virgin—in the most innocent sense of the word. To the group’s knowledge, K has kissed one boy. That was in eighth grade.

Don’t get me wrong, K is great…but the poor girl has got standards that are out of this world, not to mention higher than her…

Mr. Perfect has to be taller than her, he must be intelligent, “hot�—per her discretion, have a nice body, he must be sweet, he’s content with waiting for her until they’re married, his favorite drink is coke and rum, he volunteers at the humane society, his favorite tortilla chip must be Doritos BBQ cheddar, he plays rugby, he swing dances and he absolutely must be familiar with all seven seasons of The Golden Girls.

I get it. She wants to find Mr. Right. But what really kind of sucks is that she doesn’t spend time with straight men. Ever. Saying she’s playin’ it safe is an understatement. She’s delusional. She’s in a female and gay man infested time warp and still thinks she’s ripe and seventeen and acts as if this dream man is going to come waltzing up to her (parents’) front door and they’re going to ride off into the sunset on a white stallion to start their fairy tale together.

She’s so preoccupied with ripping apart every guy she meets that she’s never going to give a slew of great guys a chance. What’s more is she won’t have the priceless benefits of experience that inevitably come by doing the dirty work and sifting through enough toads to really appreciate the right guy when he does come along…

Halloween is coming up and that means the skeletons all come out. Now I know you have a skeleton in your closet… Lord knows I’ve got a couple. I thought I would go out on a limb and share a couple with you since first dates have become like a proper interviewing process and randomly the men I date will bring up their quirks, their skeletons and their crazy tendencies.

Skeleton number one – When I was nineteen I posed topless for my friend’s photography assignment. He was going after a “Venus de Milo� theme and honestly, it was actually very tasteful. Every move he made erred on the side of being overly respectful and cautious. What did I get out of it? I got chocolate covered strawberries out of the deal, he made extra copies of the photos and of course, I told him when I’m famous he was forbidden to sell the photos for millions of dollars –because everyone in their right mind knows they’d be worth that much. Duh.

Skeleton number two – I had my nipples pierced for four months. This was a small shock to some of my friends because it seemed a little out of my sometimes shy character. When I went in to do it, the first one was cake…then the adrenaline stopped gushing through my veins and the second one made me about pass out. Apparently I was several shades of green. It hurt. Fun for awhile, but trust me when I say they do weird things to the body…especially when you’re not seeing anyone and may or may not be sexually frustrated. Ahem. End of story.

Share your skeletons with me. We’re all friends here.

I don’t think I’ll ever understand men. Today I received the most random message ever from the guy I see when I’m back in Iowa…which isn’t very often… and I kind of decided to just let go because really, what’s the point right?

I checked my email and had one of those Facebook messages–the kind that says “John Doe” sent you a message. My heart stopped. I thought that since we hadn’t really talked for the last two weeks –which was actually a pretty sorry excuse for a talk at all– it meant he was letting it/us/the whole thing go too.

I open up the message to see…and I quote:
“Hello stranger…how are things? I have been busy with soccer and teaching but felt bad that I was ignoring you. Did you move into your place or are you waiting… I can’t remember? I went on a blind date the other night…interesting. I think that everyone around my age in Dubuque that happens to be a cool girl is either pregnant, has a kid, or was divorced. Wow. Hope all is going well, but wanted to give you a brief outline of how much free time I don’t have.”

Doubleyoo tee eff… What is all that? Can someone, preferably a guy, please translate? I don’t know what any of that means. Is this another weird game to which I don’t know the rules?

So far the interpretations –all two of them—are across the board:

Male friend/coworker: “He’s saying he likes you but is moving on.”

Well, duh. I assumed we were both adult enough to not pretend we’d wait around for each other–but I don’t divulge details about my dates to him… nor do I plan on doing it in a half-hearted blurb of verbal diarrhea on Facebook any time soon.

Dad: “He’s saying he’d still be dating you if you were around Sand.”

I’m at a loss…and really, just… don’t know how to respond. Lay it on me–what the hell is he talking about and more importantly, what do I say back?