Dating Outlook

Since my unexpected parcel last week, I have had breakups—particularly mine with JC—on the mind. Thankfully as part distraction, I have been catching up on some reading this weekend. In Myreah Moore and Jodie Gould’s Date Like a Man, the ladies pull together a cut-and-dry “Ex-Files Quiz�? to help women better identify when it is time to let go of that guy who just doesn’t seem to cut it…

“How do you know when it’s time to let go?

1. Do you find yourself making lame excuses like “My cat needs me�? when he asks you out?�?

2. Do you start flirting shamelessly with waiters and delivery-men?

3. Did you “forget�? hisbirthday?

4. Do you find yourself daydreaming about a solo vacation to Cancun?

5. Did you get a promotion because of all the extra time you’re spending at work?

6. Did you recently install Caller ID?

7. Did you change your screen name?

8. Have you taken to killing large bugs and lifting heavy objects yourself?

9. Are your girlfriends telling you to “dump the bastard�??

10. Is he starting to remind you of your other ex-boyfriends?

If you answered yes to five or more of the questions above, it’s time for you to ex-terminate your relationship.”

Wow. I’m taking a silent inventory and realizing just how much I’ve learned in my 7+ years of dating men… I must admit, my standards (which were slim to none when I began because I had even less of a clue then than I do now) have completely changed. It’s weird because I’ve become someone who follows intuition about each date and goes from there. I think it’s necessary to kiss the toads to figure out what you ultimately want out of a man, a relationship and yourself.

These are all extracts from They Call Me Naughty Lola by David Rose, published by Profile Books.

:: I like my women the way I like my kebab. Found by surprise after a drunken night out and covered in too much tahini. Before long I’ll have discarded you on the pavement of life, but until then you’re the perfect complement to a perfect evening. Man, 32, rarely produces winning metaphors.

:: Your buying me dinner doesn’t mean I’ll have sex with you. I probably will have sex with you, though. Honesty not an issue with opportunistic male, 38.

:: Not everyone appearing in this column is a deranged cross-dressing sociopath. Let me know if you find one and I’ll strangle him with my bra. Man, 56.

:: Are you Kate Bush? Write to obsessive man (36). Note, people who aren’t Kate Bush need not respond.

:: Stroganoff. Boysenberry. Frangipani. Words with their origins in people’s names. If your name has produced its own entry in the OED then I’ll make love to you. If it hasn’t, I probably will anyway, but I’ll only want you for your body. Man of too few distractions, 32. - this one is my ultimate favorite as I am such a word-person. LOL

:: Mature gentleman, 62, aged well, noble grey looks, fit and active, sound mind and unfazed by the fickle demands of modern society seeks…damn it, I have to pee again.

:: Romance is dead. So is my mother. Man, 42, inherited wealth.

:: I’ve divorced better men than you. And worn more expensive shoes than these. So don’t think placing this ad is the biggest comedown I’ve ever had to make. Sensitive F, 34.

:: List your ten favourite albums… I just want to know if there’s anything worth keeping when we finally break up. Practical, forward thinking man, 35

:: My ideal woman is a man. Sorry, mother

personal ads, humor, They Call Me Naughty Lola, David Rose

Instead of an actual Strange Date posted today, we’re going with Strange Personal Ad creator.

Mine would read something like this: “Cuddly librarian seeks flexible scientist for trivial pursuit, color coordinating, and digging wells. Must not live with mom, enjoy Fresca, and be tolerant of gold fish. Your own car a plus. Alfred E. Neuman lookalikes need not apply.”

Create yours and share with me!

dates, personal ad creator, strange personal ads

Tell you date all about Butt Art! If you get really daring, make your own!

Don’t know what to say to your date tonight? Just plug his or her name into the Flattery Generator and create your own script to take with you!

Have a bad date? Get revenge on the person who set you up!

Plug the money you are paying with into Where’s George in hopes of tracking it!

Mordant Orange, cartoons, goldfish, butt print art, dates, flattery generator, Revenge Lady, Where’s George

I checked out 50 Dates Worse Than Yours by Justin Racz from the library last week and it has given me quite the laugh. I decided that I’d share two of my favorite bad dates with ya’ll! (BTW, if you’re lurking & reading, let me know!)

#14. Passover
The Date: the holiday requires Jews to open their doors to all those who do not have a place to celebrate Passover. All his older brothers & sisters are married, so you better look good.
Location: Gramma Bubbe’s stuffy one-bedroom apartment in Queens.
He said: “Why is this night different from all other nights? Because you look Jewlicious.”
She said: “Why is your grandmother crying?”
Best part: When he preemptively called you his girlfriend and kissed you on the cheek.
Worst part: His gefilte fish breath.

#41. She Didn’t Shut Up
The Date: To avoid any awkward silence, she spews forth a run-on sentence comprised of commentary about her life so far, a recitation of the menu, her great ambitions, and the haunting traumas of her upper-middle-class family.
Location: Unfortunately, a very quiet restaurant.
He said: “Uh-huh. Yeah. You don’t say. Hmm. Uh-huh.”
She said: “… which is when my parents got divorced which likely resulted in my other brother Jason dropping out of college to join an ashram where he got addicted to black tea and then got involved in an herbal products pyramid scheme which brings me back to my point that …”
Best Part: The brief moment she choked on a carrot.
Worst Part: When the waiter knew the Heimlich maneuver.

dates, 50 Dates Worse Than Yours, Justin Racz, dating humor

I haven’t been on a “real” date in years. I haven’t had someone ask me to dinner, pick me up, take me out, take me to the movies, and then drop me off afterwards yet. All this, and I’m already nervous about a “potential” first date. In order to prepare myself for this first date, I enlisted the Internet’s help and was completely overwhelemd by the number of first date “do’s & don’ts” that there are. The two that were my favorite were both written by college newspapers - and as a recent college grad (2004) I felt more comfortable reading these ones than the ones written by 45-year-old divorcee’s.

So, without further ado, I have pulled the 10 first date do’s & don’ts from Gretchen Ross & Jeremy Plezer of University of Illinois at Springfield! (My notes are in bold after their “rules.”)

1. Don’t dress like you just woke up or like you are attending church. Okay, so no pajama-dates and no Sunday-morning church dates. I can handle showering and looking decent but still feeling comfortable.

2. Don’t let the conversation be one-sided with awkward pauses. I talk too much. I know I talk too much. This could end up leaving my date on the one-sided awkward pause date. There are heaps & piles of “safe” things to talk about, college sports (the only real sports I know anything about), jobs, the town we live in, mutual friends. I’ll bring a roll of duct tape in my purse just in case I get verbal diahhrea. The authors of this article say to avoid bringing up sex, politics & religion, but I had a great conversation with a guy last night about religion, so if you’re comfortable, I say go for it!

3. Don’t remained glued to the cell phone the entire date. Who talks on their cell phone on a date? Seriously, I think that’s just weird. I don’t even talk on the cell phone for long periods of time when I’m with friends. It’s rude!

4. Don’t bring up past relationships. I agreee. On this first date, your new date doesn’t need to know all about your past. I wouldn’t shy away from mentioning that I was divorced, if I was asked about my past, but I’m not going to be offering up any details on why I’m no longer married on this first date! “Enjoy the moment of spending time with someone new.”

5. If you are at a meal, don’t order for the other person. Did you hear that, potential first date guy? Don’t order for me! I think this is just a strange custom. I have never been with friends who have even ordered for me and would be bothered if a guy started picking out my food. I am an adult, you don’t have to do this for me.

6. Don’t overdo the PDA. What? On the first date? You mean I can’t keep my hand in your back pocket all night long? Who does this stuff on a FIRST date? I’ll respect your space and I assume that you’ll respect mine! As if the entire night weren’t awkward enough as it is, back off unless you ask first and I okay it!

7. Don’t ask or assume that because you are on the first date that you are automatically in a relationship. “A first date is like an audtion for a play or a job interview.” You are looking at potential here, not immediately husband (or wife) material. One date does not constitute a relationship!

8. Don’t set extremely high goals for the date. Your number one priority on your first date should be to get to know the person you’re out with more than you did before. Most of the time this will be easy - but you don’t have to plan everything down to the last milliseconds to have fun and get to know someone. “Hang out … get to know the person” and have fun with it.

9. Don’t be late. Number 9. Oh, why isn’t this number 1? I am a stickler with time. If I were a super-hero, my name would be “Perpetually Early Girl.” I hate being late and I hate it when people are late if they’re meeting me for something. Being on time shows a person that they are important to you - and who doesn’t like to be made to feel important? (especially on a first date) If you have to, set your clocks ahead so you’re early, even! Impress me, be there before me!

10. Don’t be fake. Be. Yourself. You were probably acting just like your own self when your date asked you out, and they want to get to know that person, not your “cool alter ego.” Your true personality will make an appearance even if you don’t want it to, so why bother faking it? I am much more attracted to a man who is confident in himself (yet still modest) and who he is, rather than someone trying to put on a front towards me. If you’re afraid that your sarcasm or your honesty might be too brutal at time, just tone down your personality; it’s still your personality that’s coming out, just not as strong!

dating, lists, personal, men, women, love, kiss, dates, first dates, awkwardness, how-to, to-do, time management, University of Illinois

Dating sites are dangerous places. Seriously … there are a million things that could go wrong with an internet date … and sometimes they happen before we even meet the person we’re talking to. The following is an email that goes around randomly sometimes, but someone else has decided to use it as their personal ad. Do they really believe that this is going to attract a woman? It might attract a man of the same sense of humor, but otherwise … I’m boggled.

25 Rules for Women, as Dictated by Men

1. SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.
2. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
3. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew or the local Patagonia store.
4. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
5. Butthead is the smart one. (And that is why I shall call you Butthead.)
6. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
7. You probably don’t want to know what we’re thinking about.
8. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about “us” and “the relationship.”
9. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
10. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.
11. Socks never constitute a gift. (If you’d remember that we like gifts, too, maybe you won’t get socks this year!)
12. I just noticed there was never a #12. Weird.
13. We don’t know anything about handbags. Don’t even ask.
14. We did water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.
15. Even if you think he’s cute, Kevin Costner can’t act.
16. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do “Sirens” rather than “Waterworld.”
18. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.
20. Its in neither your interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
21. Don’t expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.
22. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation are not.
23. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.
24. No, you can’t have the remote control.
25. If you must take us with you into Victoria’s Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.

dating, humor, men & women, personal ads