Dating Outlook

It’s been awhile. I’ve been on hiatus…studying for the GRE, taking the GRE, researching grad schools… it’s been a trip. Admittedly, not as cool as the trip to Japan I’m about to go on in two months, but a trip nonetheless. Here’s hoping.

Looks like I’ve got some catching up to do.

Since my sabbatical, I have dated a few men… a single dad originally from Minnesota who just so happens to live in my neighborhood in San Diego. I met him on the plane ride home for Christmas. I was seated next to him and his eight year old daughter. Now, I know I’ve read about how women automatically think too much into dating. We look way too far ahead for our own good. I would have to say that I’m guilty of doing that. Although, I think I do it to a different degree.

Here is this single dad. He teaches special needs children. He is involved with his daughters’ extra-curricular activities and even helps coach softball. He has an amazing sense of humor, is good looking and pretty much has a heart of platinum.

In a word: great. No, not great. Great! He deserves a capital “G.� Pretty sure his personality is who I eventually see myself with for the long haul…but the timing is just so off. That and, I guess I came to the ugly realization that I am too selfish to come second. Because of course, that’s the way it would have to be. He is a father. His little girl must be priority one. I’m not ready –and I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready—to settle for being put on the back burner.

I surprised myself this weekend.

I haven’t hung out with G since the night at his parent’s mansion and he kissed me out of nowhere. So fine. Whatever. Except that he insists on emailing me during the work week several times a day and asks if I’d be interested in hanging out with him and his friends who are coming to visit the following weekend. By the way, he thinks it’s time to see me drunk so he’ll recruit another to drive and we’ll just have a grand old time… okay..? He asks this on Monday and continues in shared dialogue with me throughout the rest of the week so I can analyze and dwell for five, six, seven days! Instead of just oh, two or something more reasonable… and Yadda yadda yadda…weekend comes, don’t hear a peep out of him. GAH!

And I tell myself, Sandy, sweetie. Sit down. He’s just not that into you. Say it with me. Honey, he’s…okay, he’s just…HE’s JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. Read the book. Or listen to the audio…it’s good.

And I know this. What’s funny is that I’m not all that into him either. Which is why I’m surprised. So, did I underestimate my feelings for him? Do I like him more than I think?

What’s worse is that I was helping a friend move all weekend. I was legitimately and quite genuinely busy most of the weekend. And when I was done I was tired–and am still sore actually.

Sure I could’ve sort of made time for him. But what’s sick is that I think I just wanted him to call because I wanted to be missed or something and honestly, part of me wanted to turn him down for hanging out and who knows, maybe I even wanted him to beg me a little. What can I say?

I know that’s terrible. What I typed right there, yes. I know. But I think it’s the truth. I really just missed the attention, that’s all. Sigh. I know that’s lame. Maybe even a little pathetic. But I know we all get to that point sometimes. And it sucks for a bit.

It’s times like these when I miss being a relationship person—I’m kind of an all or nothing girl I’m beginning to realize—and I’ll often wonder if leaving my ex-boyfriend was the right decision. I know it was for the time, but I can’t help but wonder what would be different if our paths crossed again.

By the way, he wants to see me in two weeks…did I tell you that? Dun dun dun.

Alright. I dislike misogynists—and that includes those in “recovery�—if there is such a thing. I guess man-haters are just as bad. Altogether, they are not very happy people. When I was out with a guy recently, he confessed to me that he’d been a misogynist at one time. He explained it was because he had been living in California since high school and said that all the women he encountered had grown up being used to being fed by a silver spoon.

I’m not really sure what he meant exactly—if it was just his assumption that all attractive women must be stuck up snobs and therefore he was fully justified in over-generalizing half of the human race – er, correction – make that just the “attractive-according-to-him� women as being worthless.

I don’t know. What I do know is that for “no longer being a misogynist,� he really liked to “correct� me. Although, unbeknownst to him, most of his “corrections� were just him not understanding my dry, sarcastic, often facetious and sometimes callous humor. Not only did I imagine myself getting increasingly irritated with him, I wonder to myself what other women without patience think. What would other people in my position – right then and there- do?

I feel a little sad for him. I would hate living life waiting for my next opportunity to tell someone that they are wrong and therefore suck at life—okay, maybe not that far. But he’d use it as a segue into how knowledgeable and philosophical and successful he was… more than a little exhausting to listen to let alone try to uphold the light end of a very weighted conversation.

Hm. Not my favorite way to date, methinks.

It is so weird. I am reflecting on the last couple of months and how different my dating experiences have been—and the contrasts between G and A.

For anyone new to my blog, I have been casually seeing G for a little over two months and A has been a two week spurt.

G is typical SoCal –laid back and doesn’t take much too seriously.

A is intense. He is a type A typical East Coast personality in perpetual overdrive. He even mentioned in passing that his new goal is to speak faster because once he moves to New York City to be a mogul on Wall Street, they won’t be able to tolerate slow, coherent California speech.

I suppose it makes sense, but it really is funny to me how my individual relationships with both of these people match their personalities to a tee.

One has been smooth-sailing and is pretty much perfect for what I want and need right now because there is absolutely no pressure. At all. It is great. And there is an end in sight when he leaves for New Zealand in a couple of months. So there’s a bonus.

The other has got me feeling like in warp speed and can’t slow down to breathe—and of course, his knack for face swallowing doesn’t help me much in that area either. Thankfully, there’s an end in sight to this one too since he’s moving shortly after graduation next month.

Off the hook again. Ahh—it’s true what they say. The grass is always greener. Especially for women who can’t make up their minds (guilty.)

So, it really sucks when someone is way—and I mean waaaaaayyyyyyy into you and it’s unrequited. Last night I went on a second date with A. For the most part, he’s got his act together. Great guy. Maniacal driver, but good guy. Unfortunately, I’m just not that into him. I could take him or leave him and not really give it a second thought. I hate to admit it, but it’s true. It’s that weird “platonic� feeling that sometimes I’m a little convinced that only women feel. And it sucks. Especially because A doesn’t understand the concept of being platonic. Or backing off. At all.

We went out for burgers at Red Robin and gorged ourselves so I was already feeling nauseous. Not a good set up for anyone or any romantic scenario whatsoever. He wanted to go for a walk down by the bay. Great. He held my hand. Sometimes this is okay, but most times—especially so early in, I really can’t handle hand-holding. It drives me batty. I don’t know what it is. I think it brings back awful memories of my possessive high school boyfriend dragging me out of a Fuel concert and demanding to know if I loved him more than music that I listen to “in vain.� Ha. Yeah. Issues. And I’m not subscribing.

Anyway—he held my hand and led me to the playground where he asked me if I’d gotten his message about him forgetting to give me my “thanksgiving present.� Uh. …Excuse me?

It was Sunday. I had just finished doing a volunteer wildfire cleanup at one of the houses that was lost a couple of weeks ago when San Diego was in flames. Mentally and emotionally drained when A called, I wasn’t in the mood for chitchat.

We are one (albeit a marathon of a) date in and already he’s calling me to “ask about my day.� Whoa whoa woah. Don’t get too comfortable there, Sparky. You can’t just take me out to dinner once and suddenly think I will start allocating ten minutes out of my day for you to ask me about it. As I was getting off the phone with him, he wanted to plan something for the following week… which honestly, according to my calendar, wasn’t so good for me.

He started giving me crap about “definitely wanting to see me� before he left for Thanksgiving upstate. Since when do you get to plan my week? Oh you want to see me. Great. Well what if I’m indifferent about seeing you?

Why don’t we take one day at a time, huh? Actually…why not three days at a time? Why not just withdraw all contact for at least three –or seven!—days at a time. While we’re at it, why not indefinitely? In other words, slow the hell down! And breathe—or at least let me breathe. The last thing I need let alone want is to be suffocated by some guy I just met.

I realize you’re just being nice. I’m not an idiot. But I just saw you last night for crying out loud. And it was for eight hours+. Not going to lie, feeling a little smothered.

So a few weeks ago, I played a game of football and met A. Our mutual friend, C, introduced us and has since kept me in the loop that A has had his eyes on me. Wednesday, I received an email:

Hey Sandra,

A.

I accepted his invitation. I got a call Friday at around lunch time from a guy who sounded incredibly anxious but jovial—it was A. I pitied him for a second…there’s no need for nervous laughter. It’s ME.

Anyway, he called to see if I was available Saturday evening and informed me that he a few things in mind for a good time, but that it was a surprise. I’d find out as it’s happening. Okay, so this sounds like a guy who knows—or at least has an inkling—about what he wants. This I can handle.

G currently lives with his family because he’s finishing up school and about to head across the world in February to get his master’s. His family left to celebrate his grandmother’s 80th birthday in Florida. He was going to go with them, but had his ticket changed to fly in next week before Thanksgiving so he could have the place to himself and “have a get-together.� Apparently, it’s the party house and pretty much the place to be.

It’s seven o’clock and I’m more interested in taking a nap than showering and heading out the door to socialize somewhere I’ve never been with questionable company… I’m still not sure where “we� stand and am not in the mood to try to figure it out. Just friends? More than? Ugh. I’m exhausted.

“What if he wanted to stay this weekend for you, Sand?� My mom, always the optimist.

“I’m calling it. Watch, you’ll be the only one there.� My brother, typical guy.

“Bring your bathing suit too in case we go into the jcuz.� Another text from G…huh.

Okay, so I shaved my legs for him. Well, him and his friends …especially the girls because we’re more likely to notice those types of things. I swear, we doll ourselves up for women first because of the looming judgment that is inevitably going to be passed. Girls rip each other apart. Guys just reap the benefits of having the eye candy.

Contrary to popular belief, I’m not so arrogant as to think that he stuck around this weekend for me… Come on now, let’s be real. If I had a jacuzzi to keep me company, I probably wouldn’t mind having a place to myself for a weekend either.

Thursday was designated date night. Or so I thought. We met up at a tasty Chinese bistro in La Jolla. And I learn to never tell him anything…ever. The week before, it had come up that I’d been in an interracial relationship for close to two years. He felt the need to share the detail with a mutual friend and essentially bonded over gossiping about me and how that is something neither of them would have ever expected to be true about me.

I’m telling you now G, expect the unexpected sweet cheeks. Anything but predictable.

Dinner was amazing and we had sort of planned on doing something after, but that was yet to be determined. He thought I should decide.

What is it with men who ask women to dinner and then make her make all the decisions—who does that? And why do they think that’s okay? I mean, if it’s a preference thing, fine.

I like Italian, and I can pretty much entertain myself so I’m good when it comes to just about anything.

Just don’t take me mining for gems. I’ve been there, done that …three times with the family and I’m just about over it by now. But anything else, sure I’m happy as a lark to walk around a park with you. To go to an art exhibition with you. To play laser tag with you. To go to a concert with you. Guitar hero—whatever. Just decide and we’ll do it.

OR if you ask me to decide and I throw things out there—all of the above, for example, pick one. And if I do in the end pick, don’t bitch about it, or I’ll be pissed.

It’s been a day of reflection… here are some Dating Do’s for the guys. Feel free to add your own to the list.

If you ask her out—

Find out the essentials ahead of time. Is she vegetarian? Can she handle her alcohol? If so, you may want to avoid the steakhouses and sports bars…or maybe you will want to skip dinner and head straight to happy hour.

Plan it–all of it. Unless you’re absolutely sure she’ll come up with an idea that’s better than yours. Just because you happen to be indecisive and boring does not make it okay for you to make her research things to do and guess as to whether or not you’ll enjoy yourself. This is especially true when you’ve grown up here and she has lived here a year. Ahem. Alright, snide comments aside, trust me—she will appreciate the time it took and the thought that was put into making the date special for her.

Pick her up. Unless she vehemently insists that you meet her (which, by the way is code that she thinks you have stalker potential). If that is the case, not a good sign. Try not to seem so eager, k?

Pay for her share even if she insists on going dutch. I am notorious for offering to pay for my share of the date, but I’m going to say it right now. This is a test. Don’t be fooled. Pay for her. This test doesn’t really have anything to do with money. It has everything to do with whether or not you’ll stand up to her and how you do it.

If a guy will put me in check and tell me I’m being ridiculous—especially when I know he’s right—I’m much more inclined to respect his opinion in the future.

I have a date tomorrow night with the bloke who inspired this list. I’m placing my bets that I’ll have more to add before the week is through…wish me luck

Okay, I’m back. No more fires. No more moving. And just when I thought my dating life was beginning to fizzle, along came drama.

So, readers what does it mean when a man takes me out on dates—real dates—at least I think they’re dates… but introduces me as his “friend� to his friends?

Where is the line drawn that makes two people more than friends? Does it get past the “friends� stage a little more after each time he continues to ask me out?

Scenario: I’ve been casually seeing G for about a month. We’ve had fun. No sparks flying wild into the night, but it’s been fun. So last week after dinner we go out to a bar to hang out with some of his friends. We dance to big-hair-band 80s music and it’s a good time. I was being my sarcastic and brutal self to one of his friends, S—who was giving it right back, and then asked for my number.

In this situation, what is a girl to do? I don’t know if I’ll be spending much time with this group in the future. It’s kind of a double edged sword. If I don’t give him my number, he’ll write me off as a bitch or a tease or… ? If I do give him my number, that creates complications with G, who takes me out on dates, but introduces me as his “friend.â€? Feelin’ a little stuck…

What the hell is a “friend� who gives away free dinners and drinks anyway? Just a nice guy? I doubt it.

There is this guy. He is from my church. He invited me to play football in the afternoon with his friends. Wow. I haven’t played football in years… then we went to dinner. And we talked. I don’t know that I’ve ever had a more brutally honest encounter or discussion with someone of the opposite sex before that I barely even know… I didn’t really know the ground rules. And I thought football was going to be the problem.

Out of nowhere, he shares his entire dating past with me… which literally led up until a few weeks ago…when he “hooked up� with a girl …who had and currently does still have a boyfriend… and now is pregnant. However, she does not know for certain whom the father may be.

So, what the hell am I supposed to think?

This guy goes to church…identifies himself as and calls himself a Christian. And Christians have this thing where they’re supposed to confess to each other and keep each other accountable. I think I’m going to write off his and my little conversation as being just that—a way to be kept in check without being called a “bad personâ€? or …whatever…?

I don’t effing know wtf to think. Then he said that since he just opened up to me, that it was my turn to share. So share I did…the short versions with discretion of course.

I’m having flashbacks to Hometown guy’s facebook message about only being able to meet women who have kids, are pregnant or divorced… am I getting to the point where every potential guy I meet will inevitably have more baggage than I do?

I don’t think I’ll ever understand men. Today I received the most random message ever from the guy I see when I’m back in Iowa…which isn’t very often… and I kind of decided to just let go because really, what’s the point right?

I checked my email and had one of those Facebook messages–the kind that says “John Doe” sent you a message. My heart stopped. I thought that since we hadn’t really talked for the last two weeks –which was actually a pretty sorry excuse for a talk at all– it meant he was letting it/us/the whole thing go too.

I open up the message to see…and I quote:
“Hello stranger…how are things? I have been busy with soccer and teaching but felt bad that I was ignoring you. Did you move into your place or are you waiting… I can’t remember? I went on a blind date the other night…interesting. I think that everyone around my age in Dubuque that happens to be a cool girl is either pregnant, has a kid, or was divorced. Wow. Hope all is going well, but wanted to give you a brief outline of how much free time I don’t have.”

Doubleyoo tee eff… What is all that? Can someone, preferably a guy, please translate? I don’t know what any of that means. Is this another weird game to which I don’t know the rules?

So far the interpretations –all two of them—are across the board:

Male friend/coworker: “He’s saying he likes you but is moving on.”

Well, duh. I assumed we were both adult enough to not pretend we’d wait around for each other–but I don’t divulge details about my dates to him… nor do I plan on doing it in a half-hearted blurb of verbal diarrhea on Facebook any time soon.

Dad: “He’s saying he’d still be dating you if you were around Sand.”

I’m at a loss…and really, just… don’t know how to respond. Lay it on me–what the hell is he talking about and more importantly, what do I say back?

Linda writes back:

Hey thanks for your response! well…to be honest, I can’t see myself being attracted to him–he’s very overweight and I feel shallow and I know I shouldn’t but I’m just not sure I can get past that. I’m just not physically attracted to him.

I would go out w/ him once, but if I know I’m not interested is that deceiving? Should I just be upfront? my friend john (who I am totally crushing on and who I may or may not have kind of made out w/ last week when we were both drunk– we’re cool though) kind of recommended the whole honesty thing especially since Evan (that’s his name) referred to this “getting to know each other time” as a date, and not just, “hey lets hang out sometime.” So there are some expectations set and if I don’t have an interest in dating him do I need to be upfront with him?

But how do you just tell someone you’re not attracted to them??? Do I pull the “lets be friends” card??? Do I say I think we should hang out in a group setting? Do I say I just got hurt and I’m not ready for a relationship? (Which is true but…) ugh…it just sucks and the thing I hate more than anything in the world is someone hurting on account of me…it just makes me feel nauseous! So yeah…that’s about it.

Is honesty the best policy in this situation? Is it too brutal to hear that you’re not someone’s type? Does this situation warrant sugar-coating? Methinks yes…readers?

I love getting emails… Recently, a dear friend wrote in:

Dear Sandy,

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I froze…but am a good enough actress that the deer in the headlights that was sitting on my insides did not (I don’t
think) show on my face or in my voice and I was like “yeah, okay, sure” I didn’t know what else to do!!! Scary!!! Sooo…my dear Sandy…of dating outlook…what do i do??? I HATE hurting people and don’t want to hurt his feelings. Oh gosh i feel nauseous…i think he just totally caught me off guard.

Readers, any suggestions on what Linda should do? Should she wait it out and give it a real chance –could he be the one? I doubt it. But, this is your chance to weigh in. I want to hear what the guys and the girls think and she wants to know too. Leave a comment and give us your opinion.