Dating Outlook

My friends (a couple) got married last Saturday.

It is really hard for me to come to grips with reality and realize that yes, I am in fact old enough for the people around my age – including my (gasp!) friends – to get married. They are off making life commitments to each other. “Til death do us part.� The Word says so. I on the other hand, have issues committing to a picking up the office payroll. Who knows? I might get stuck in traffic/what if I get in a car accident?/the (gorgeous mmm) FedEx guy might show up at my door…whatev. Any and/or all of the above are plausible consequences to my aforementioned “commitment.� Til DEATH DO US PART?! Really?

Does it count if either of us is responsible for said (accidental of course! Sheesh!) death… of one or the other? What if we just so happened to become so passionate in love that one of us licks and therefore eats the other alive? What if my beloved (let’s pretend it’s the FedEx guy, k?) actually spoon-feeds himself to me (like frozen custard!) in order to “become oneâ€? with me? Does the “til deathâ€? rule have a cannibalism clause? I must say, that really is a whole new take on that Spice Girls hit…(singing…totally on key) When two become one… anyway…

Hey, I just want to know what I’m in for when I’m committing to anything (or anyone! for that matter), for life… Hmm… I may need to consult a lawyer…sounds a bit like a contract to me… “Each party MUST refrain from biting to wherefore said teeth protrusion breaks skin and therefore leads to the eating of the other alive…� Now that’s romance. I’m getting giddy. (Sarcasm, people…read it. Please, just roll your eyes and move on.)

What is my deal, man? Is my mom right? Have I just not found the “right one� yet? Or am I just a commit-o-phobe/ relationship-relunct? What is the fundamental difference between me … and a marital maven?

I guess it goes without saying that G and I are over. He’s been in New Zealand now for two months.

We hung out again after I got back from visiting home during Christmas. We went out to a really great Italian restaurant to catch up. He brought me almond champagne and we went out east to celebrate one of my friend’s birthday. It was the first time he was meeting anyone in my group of friends…besides of course for the mutual friend who introduced us.

I remember being weary of the thought of G, the gentleman, the well-to-do, well-educated prep, gorgeous and dark featured rich kid meeting my friends… I don’t know if I was caught up in a twisted fixation of my own judgment, or what it was that made me nervous… I guess I was scared I wouldn’t be “myself.� Whoever the hell that is. I was scared of being put on the spot by my friends. What if they thought I was putting on a show for G if I wasn’t being my loud and obnoxious self? What if they didn’t like him? What if he didn’t like them? Would it matter?

It is a little sobering to think about… because I guess the only way I can explain it was that I honestly thought he was better than me. Like I had some secret about myself I needed to hide. I was so afraid of him finding out that I’m imperfect (gasp!) that I kept pushing him away with all my might…hoping the opposite wouldn’t inevitably occur.

Tonight I was listening to a friend who was talking about her current relationship with her boyfriend. They have been together for about four and a half months.

She expressed concern because he has a tendency to get frustrated with his mother, who he lives with and takes care of because his dad passed away. She talked about how he gets upset with his mom because she has a tendency to be late all the time and how she isn’t very financially stable and will sometimes make impulse buying decisions.

Apparently, unbeknownst to him, she has these same habits and is afraid to just be honest with him about it for fear of rejection.

It’s hard to really be your true, whole self with someone you are just starting to care about. The early stages are so rocky—make one false move and it’s still easy for one to run away unscathed. There’s that fear that showing them your true self and becoming vulnerable will backfire and you’ll get hurt. I know I’m guilty of this.

Heck, men can’t even get me to the exclusive four month pivotal point because I either make them jump through so many hoops in an attempt to prove to myself that they’re not right for me, or I tell myself lies and make up fake dramas surrounding them and our relationship, become disappointed and deliberately pull away.

I don’t really do it with intention to harm them or act maliciously, but I just kind of make myself disappear until they force me to crack and open up just a little more for them. I’m a wreck. But aren’t we all?

Just a little?

It seems every time I turn around, somebody has “someone in mind� for me. Matchmaker after matchmaker can’t wait to share the good news about how she’s found “the one� for me. In “Dating for Dummies,� Dr. Joy Browne elaborates on the good and the bad about being set up.

“The less strange the stranger you’re finding to date, the easier and more comfortable the early stages. People you both know and trust are a great bridge. Whom can you trust more than your friends, your mom, or your ex (assuming that you two are still friendly)?

Friends: Fix-ups are good news/bad news. On the good side, your friends presumably wouldn’t fix you up with Jack (or Jackie) the Ripper and they probably know you well enough to know what you like. On the bad side, they would want to know details, may choose sides, and will likely be miffed if you don’t treat their friend right, don’t come up with the details or don’t spend as much time with them as you used to because you’re seeing the friend. All things considered, fix-ups are often worth the risk of somebody knowing your business, especially if your friends are perceptive and know cool people.�

So far, my friend fix-ups have been discreet and have actually been pretty decent matches—good looking, usually good personalities…no long term potential yet but nobody’s ruling it out…

“Exes: Allowing your ex to fix you up with someone can be a bit dicey (after all, an ex with an ax to grind can come up with a doozy of a loser). On the other hand, who knows ya, baby? Whether you agree to such a fix-up or not probably depends on the comfort of the break0up. If it was super icky, you’re probably not speaking anyhow. But if your ex is still a friend and other signs seem right, go for it. If your split-up was marked by scream fests and flying fur, and you still refer to each other as “The Bitch� and “The Bastard,� my advice is to politely decline.�

Pretty sure being set up by an ex would be a no-go for me. My longest boyfriend to date has made it clear he still plans on marrying me—or at least being at my wedding, if it isn’t to him… Setting me up on a date? Can you say sabotage?

“Relatives: Isn’t it fascinating what people who love us think we’ll love? This outlet has all the problems of a friend fix-up with the added problems of gossip and the inability to ever go home for Thanksgiving if it doesn’t work out. On the other hand, presumably they do love you and will have to answer to your mom if they come up with a real loser.�

My mom actually is one of the best matchmakers I know. Three of the couples she’s set up have exchanged vows. She’s got impeccable taste too… maybe I should be putting her to work on this…

My phone blips. Curious, I open it to see what text message awaits. It’s from G, the guy I’ve been sort-of seeing for about two months. I say “sort-of� loosely because every time we hang out, I seriously think that we’ve finally crossed the border into the point of no return. That is, the realm of being “just friends.�

Despite my convictions about most men not understanding what it really means to be “platonic,â€? I guess I just assume that because he doesn’t try to kiss me or even put his arm around me for that matter, I figure I’ve morphed into one of his buddies who just happens to have a vagina and somehow I’ve invariably become “one of the guys,â€?—a role to which I’m not unfamiliar. Maybe it’s just felt a little too inconsistent to be anything more than “friends.” It’s been two weeks since our last date and since then, we’ve hung out with his group of friends quite a bit…guys and girls.

Conversations include how he’s typecast me as “innocent Iowa girl,� how much he enjoys Honduras and his ardor for San Diego.

“Can I take you out to dinner this week?� …What? It’s Saturday night. He’s out of town—up north visiting friends at Cal Poly. He’s hasn’t been able to stop talking about how much fun he’s planned on having up there tonight. “Fun.� Whatever that is. Besides dancing after downing a carafe of sangria a couple of weeks ago, I don’t know that I’d categorize any of the times we’ve hung out as really being “fun.�

Honestly, I thought I’d be the last thing on his mind. If roles were reversed, he’d be the last thing on mine. Is that blunt? I guess internally I keep daring him to make a move. Maybe this is it…

It’s no secret that most men do not understand the concept of being “friendsâ€? –and only! friends– with the opposite sex.

Right now I think I’m stuck–and stupidly, I keep thinking that every time G and I hang out, it will be the last time.

He can’t really think we can milk any more drops out of this “friendship� or whatever the hell it is, right? On my end, this cow is bone freakin’ dry. Make up your mind man. Or at least give me a clue as to what you want out of your last two (three? Is it three?) months you’ve got left before you go half way across the world to get your Master’s.

Do you want to keep doing what we’re doing? Which is a whole lot of you asking me to meet up with you… If it’s just the two of us, you insist on paying. If it’s with your real friends, the girls are territorial (guilty as charged, I do it too I’m not judging) and the guys hit on me or straight up ask me out, such as S. And…pretty sure you don’t have a clue about that. Which I confess, I actually think is a little funny. Because S is less than subtle.

So we can keep doing what we’re doing… which is pretty much nothing. Or I can start dating your friends. Which would probably make me a bad person. Or you could make a move and we could see if we do in fact have any chemistry and see if this goes anywhere—don’t worry, I promise I won’t get too attached, I’m a commit-o-phobe, remember?

There is this guy. He is from my church. He invited me to play football in the afternoon with his friends. Wow. I haven’t played football in years… then we went to dinner. And we talked. I don’t know that I’ve ever had a more brutally honest encounter or discussion with someone of the opposite sex before that I barely even know… I didn’t really know the ground rules. And I thought football was going to be the problem.

Out of nowhere, he shares his entire dating past with me… which literally led up until a few weeks ago…when he “hooked up� with a girl …who had and currently does still have a boyfriend… and now is pregnant. However, she does not know for certain whom the father may be.

So, what the hell am I supposed to think?

This guy goes to church…identifies himself as and calls himself a Christian. And Christians have this thing where they’re supposed to confess to each other and keep each other accountable. I think I’m going to write off his and my little conversation as being just that—a way to be kept in check without being called a “bad personâ€? or …whatever…?

I don’t effing know wtf to think. Then he said that since he just opened up to me, that it was my turn to share. So share I did…the short versions with discretion of course.

I’m having flashbacks to Hometown guy’s facebook message about only being able to meet women who have kids, are pregnant or divorced… am I getting to the point where every potential guy I meet will inevitably have more baggage than I do?

I love my girlfriends. Especially the ones I admire and for whom I have the utmost respect. I call them my soul sisters. I liken them to being the family I am fortunate enough to get to choose, if they’ll have and put up with me and my antics because Lord knows I’m a test of patience. I love my girls. I don’t like to see them hurting. I don’t like to hear about it 2,000 miles away and I don’t like not being able to be there to hold their hand or have them cry on my shoulder or just have a good old fashioned sappy movie fest featuring Chris O’Donnell’s backside in the buff.

My heart broke a little tonight. Because I know hers is broken a little. One of my soul sisters recently started taking a relationship with the guy she was seeing to a more official level. It had been a long time coming.

The pursuit has been going on and off for over a year I think. Like any relationship, they’ve had their share of ups and downs…but they really like(d?) each other. Then he had to go and kiss someone else. What the crap is that?

Now first off, no one deserves to have that done to them. But second, especially her. Someone who would never fathom doing something so careless. She is one of the purest of people I know. On top of that, she’s got a heart that doesn’t stop giving. Her whole reason for being is to help others and let me tell you, she is a rockstar at giving.

Forgive me, I’m a little anti-guy today. Well, anti-untrustworthyjerkfacewhoruinsEVERYTHINGguy today. I think I might be a little hormonal…watch out.

So here’s a mutual albeit weird he/she’s “just not that into you� scenario. Well, my intuition says it’s mutual. But for whatever reason—we’re both “too nice,� feel obligated to “be friends,� or maybe one (meaning him…I think? Because I think I’m pretty indifferent at this point) is actually holding on for …something yet to be seen? Maybe? I can’t really tell. Is that sad or what?

I have gone on two dates with this guy. During the week we keep in contact through email and the last two weekends he was planning on being away… until the day before suddenly it’s a newsflash that he’s going to be in town. Great. He asks me if I’d be interested in doing something. Okay, sidebar: What the hell does that phrase mean? Because naïve li’l ol’ me here thought that meant “let’s plan something and hey—here’s an idea…let’s stick to the original plan.� So we agree to hypothetical plans. Well played. But apparently I’m a moron because the day of he either texts or calls and asks if I’m still interested in hanging out. Then proceeds to tell me he and his friends are participating in x, y and z at the [insert random location where there is little parking and likely has a cover charge here].

Why even ask me if I want to hang out? Why not say upfront that you and your friends are probably going to do something as a group and then ask me if I want to join you all instead of it being an afterthought and therefore total change to the original plan… I don’t get it. What I don’t understand is that I don’t think either of us is really interested enough to care a whole lot—but then why are we wasting each other’s time just humoring each other throughout the week? Because it’s better than nothing? Is that it? Pssh. I guess…

WHOA –insight! So, MSN dating seems to really pique my interest these days… I was just reading “On the road to love…” a way to decode you and your partner’s (or potential partner’s) love personality by what type of vehicle you drive. Hmm…

Sandy= 2000 Chevy Cavalier… “sensible sedan” (hey I’m a recent grad, it gets me from point A to B, I’m happy, don’t judge. BONUS- I’m an uber minority in southern California, the land of bmw’s, benz’s and big ol’ gas guzzlas so there, I’m unique ha!) *steps off soap box*

According to this gauge, apparently I know how to save money and I don’t take big risks… hmm.. interesting. I don’t know how much I agree with that, but okay… now for the fun…

The guy in my hometown (who my co-worker has dubbed “FH” [Future Husband]), who I got to see this last week, drives an FJ Cruiser… and they actually have a profile for that. Looks like these people look for partners who take risks (does choosing a completely random city where she knows no one and magically starts a life there by herself for a year or so count?) and is tolerant of drama queens… YES! DOUBLE BONUS!@! TADA we’re a match made in highway heaven *swoon*

Anyway, if you want to check out you and your mate’s motorin’ match factor, check out On the Road to Love

Texting… what a phenomenon. I’ve talked to friends about it… and the consensus seems clear, “it’s just so much easier than picking up the phone and talking (even though it’s literally already in your hands right? Unless you’ve got text telepathy I mean come on)”

So how does it affect our dating lives? I guess we can multi-text …if someone’s main concern is a booty call, triple text some potential poo-tang and see whoever’s available?

Tonight was probably my first really long text session… unfortunately my plan doesn’t cover unlimited texting which means I’m dinged $0.10 for each–sent and received… sigh.

Oh well, maybe one day I’ll grow up and be able to use a phone

Okay so I thought “Quiet Parties,” were the new and crazy thing in dating…shows just how out of the loop I am.

Silly Sandy. Looking in all the wrong places.

Apparently there’s a whole slew of random dating action occurring and it’s all right at your fingertips. I recommend checking out New Mating Rituals …
So, the Quiet Party is just the beginning. They’ve even hooked technology into it–mobile to mobile compatibility alerts are making their way into the dating realm. Who’d a thunk?

So a conversation with a friend spurred these thoughts…what is the definition of cheating? Does it depend on the situation? Are there different degrees? Like is holding hands or peck-kissing lower on the cheat scale than say, making out with someone?

Is an emotional affair worse than physical or vise versa?

Would you want to know the whole truth and nothing but the truth if your partner cheated?

I guess I’ve always thought of it as being very simple…if you are doing something you would not say or do in front of your partner, you’re probably cheating … what types of measures do you all take? What constitutes cheating and what doesn’t?

So…there’s this phenomenon… some (and forgive my play on words, but I’m going to assume my readers can read between the lines…er outside of the “l”…) have been known to refer to it as the “clock block.”

As far as I know, I’ve never been labeled this term of endearment reserved for men and women who either very strategically (or more likely obliviously) intercept an object of desire from the throes of another’s (usually a man’s…hence the “clock”) game of seduction.

In my experience, I’ve only witnessed women do this in a very intent manner where they’re either jealous of or trying to protect their girlfriend from doing something…er someone… she may later regret.

I feel like the story is a bit different for the men. Is it a competition? A ruthless game where the seduction is the chase and proverbial foreplay rolled into one until they ultimately can claim victory and have bragging rights for the locker room?

When we get disappointed in someone–namely, in love and relationships–where does it come from?

We all have expectations of others. I expect friends, family, lovers to maintain a certain level of decorum, to have compassion and to treat me the way they would like to be treated.

I guess, in dating it’s not something that is so cut and dry. Perhaps, to them, you are something other than who that person is to you. The label they give you is different. You’re at a different level. You’re not his “girlfriend,” you are his “friend with benefits,” and vice versa. Usually it has something to do with being on a pedestal where you do no wrong; or conversely, you’re beneath them…you’re naive and foolish and occasionally you just might exceed expectations because they have them set so low for you.

Is it human nature to give ourselves and other too much or too little credit? I think so. I think we base so much of our identity and definitions of our lives on success, power and money that we forget some of the most important things…like being first and foremost a friend…to everyone/anyone… and taking people for who they are rather than their vast accomplishments or again, conversely, their vast amount of screwups.