Dating Outlook

So I have this friend, K. K is 25. She’s a SoCal original – Tall, strawberry blonde, blue eyes. And a virgin—in the most innocent sense of the word. To the group’s knowledge, K has kissed one boy. That was in eighth grade.

Don’t get me wrong, K is great…but the poor girl has got standards that are out of this world, not to mention higher than her…

Mr. Perfect has to be taller than her, he must be intelligent, “hot�—per her discretion, have a nice body, he must be sweet, he’s content with waiting for her until they’re married, his favorite drink is coke and rum, he volunteers at the humane society, his favorite tortilla chip must be Doritos BBQ cheddar, he plays rugby, he swing dances and he absolutely must be familiar with all seven seasons of The Golden Girls.

I get it. She wants to find Mr. Right. But what really kind of sucks is that she doesn’t spend time with straight men. Ever. Saying she’s playin’ it safe is an understatement. She’s delusional. She’s in a female and gay man infested time warp and still thinks she’s ripe and seventeen and acts as if this dream man is going to come waltzing up to her (parents’) front door and they’re going to ride off into the sunset on a white stallion to start their fairy tale together.

She’s so preoccupied with ripping apart every guy she meets that she’s never going to give a slew of great guys a chance. What’s more is she won’t have the priceless benefits of experience that inevitably come by doing the dirty work and sifting through enough toads to really appreciate the right guy when he does come along…

Okay, I’m back. No more fires. No more moving. And just when I thought my dating life was beginning to fizzle, along came drama.

So, readers what does it mean when a man takes me out on dates—real dates—at least I think they’re dates… but introduces me as his “friend� to his friends?

Where is the line drawn that makes two people more than friends? Does it get past the “friends� stage a little more after each time he continues to ask me out?

Scenario: I’ve been casually seeing G for about a month. We’ve had fun. No sparks flying wild into the night, but it’s been fun. So last week after dinner we go out to a bar to hang out with some of his friends. We dance to big-hair-band 80s music and it’s a good time. I was being my sarcastic and brutal self to one of his friends, S—who was giving it right back, and then asked for my number.

In this situation, what is a girl to do? I don’t know if I’ll be spending much time with this group in the future. It’s kind of a double edged sword. If I don’t give him my number, he’ll write me off as a bitch or a tease or… ? If I do give him my number, that creates complications with G, who takes me out on dates, but introduces me as his “friend.â€? Feelin’ a little stuck…

What the hell is a “friend� who gives away free dinners and drinks anyway? Just a nice guy? I doubt it.

I don’t think I’ll ever understand men. Today I received the most random message ever from the guy I see when I’m back in Iowa…which isn’t very often… and I kind of decided to just let go because really, what’s the point right?

I checked my email and had one of those Facebook messages–the kind that says “John Doe” sent you a message. My heart stopped. I thought that since we hadn’t really talked for the last two weeks –which was actually a pretty sorry excuse for a talk at all– it meant he was letting it/us/the whole thing go too.

I open up the message to see…and I quote:
“Hello stranger…how are things? I have been busy with soccer and teaching but felt bad that I was ignoring you. Did you move into your place or are you waiting… I can’t remember? I went on a blind date the other night…interesting. I think that everyone around my age in Dubuque that happens to be a cool girl is either pregnant, has a kid, or was divorced. Wow. Hope all is going well, but wanted to give you a brief outline of how much free time I don’t have.”

Doubleyoo tee eff… What is all that? Can someone, preferably a guy, please translate? I don’t know what any of that means. Is this another weird game to which I don’t know the rules?

So far the interpretations –all two of them—are across the board:

Male friend/coworker: “He’s saying he likes you but is moving on.”

Well, duh. I assumed we were both adult enough to not pretend we’d wait around for each other–but I don’t divulge details about my dates to him… nor do I plan on doing it in a half-hearted blurb of verbal diarrhea on Facebook any time soon.

Dad: “He’s saying he’d still be dating you if you were around Sand.”

I’m at a loss…and really, just… don’t know how to respond. Lay it on me–what the hell is he talking about and more importantly, what do I say back?

Linda writes back:

Hey thanks for your response! well…to be honest, I can’t see myself being attracted to him–he’s very overweight and I feel shallow and I know I shouldn’t but I’m just not sure I can get past that. I’m just not physically attracted to him.

I would go out w/ him once, but if I know I’m not interested is that deceiving? Should I just be upfront? my friend john (who I am totally crushing on and who I may or may not have kind of made out w/ last week when we were both drunk– we’re cool though) kind of recommended the whole honesty thing especially since Evan (that’s his name) referred to this “getting to know each other time” as a date, and not just, “hey lets hang out sometime.” So there are some expectations set and if I don’t have an interest in dating him do I need to be upfront with him?

But how do you just tell someone you’re not attracted to them??? Do I pull the “lets be friends” card??? Do I say I think we should hang out in a group setting? Do I say I just got hurt and I’m not ready for a relationship? (Which is true but…) ugh…it just sucks and the thing I hate more than anything in the world is someone hurting on account of me…it just makes me feel nauseous! So yeah…that’s about it.

Is honesty the best policy in this situation? Is it too brutal to hear that you’re not someone’s type? Does this situation warrant sugar-coating? Methinks yes…readers?

So this boy… Who is great but you’re not attracted to… Well, this is tough… Because he’s fun to hang out with and great …but you’re not attracted to him. Fair enough.

Do you think you could be attracted to him? Is it even a remote possibility? Or is there something about him like a weight issue or acne or big ears or …? Something you can pinpoint and say that’s why there’s no attraction or do you think he is someone you could grow into liking eventually given his great personality?

I will be perfectly honest with you… –for me, personally—I know that if I’m not physically attracted to someone for whatever reason, it won’t work. Maybe it means I won’t really let it go anywhere, but in any case it’s nowhere is where it’s going. Capice? For me, if attraction is there, it’s there. If it isn’t, it isn’t. It’s really just an on/off switch for me. I guess I don’t have much of a gray area so if you’re like me and know it’s just soooo not there, then just be honest and tell him you do in fact think he’s really cool (great even) *smirk* but don’t want to lead him on because you just don’t feel “that” way about him… sigh.

Or you could humor him and go on a (singular, one) date –maybe a coffee date– with him and turn it into something platonic. Do you know what I mean? Have you ever done that? You’re out with someone and the conversation just kind of turns… platonic? It can be done…

I love getting emails… Recently, a dear friend wrote in:

Dear Sandy,

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I froze…but am a good enough actress that the deer in the headlights that was sitting on my insides did not (I don’t
think) show on my face or in my voice and I was like “yeah, okay, sure” I didn’t know what else to do!!! Scary!!! Sooo…my dear Sandy…of dating outlook…what do i do??? I HATE hurting people and don’t want to hurt his feelings. Oh gosh i feel nauseous…i think he just totally caught me off guard.

Readers, any suggestions on what Linda should do? Should she wait it out and give it a real chance –could he be the one? I doubt it. But, this is your chance to weigh in. I want to hear what the guys and the girls think and she wants to know too. Leave a comment and give us your opinion.

Well, needless to say, I was a little insulted –I’m no gold digger. Contrary to popular belief, I can’t be bought. It’s too bad for him it didn’t work, because I found myself divulging this information to new guy. What was I thinking? Hey, I warned you. My self-proclamation Reputation is that of a talker-too-mucher also known as, “insert-foot-in-mouther.”

Thankfully, I don’t really feel much for new guy. But it made for awkwardness when new guy in turn said I seemed to have a whole critique ready for Mr. “Drop in the Bucket� as if I had to defend my metaphorically giving him a score of four on a scale of one to ten.

Well, it wasn’t just the money bit.

It was that he doesn’t like Oprah.

It was the twelve year age gap. It was that he was the one who is older but barely acts my age.

It was that he’d ask me a question only as segue into his own new topic about himself –which, by the way is a rare talent when whatever comes out of my mouth has nothing to do with whatever was about to come out of his next. Hmm… that could easily have become an amusing game. I should have thought about this more carefully.

It was that it just was not right. Or I’m just too picky picky? Which is what I should have said to begin with – chardonnay or not.

New guy expressed concern about how I felt about him. Ugh. I get it. I don’t like to waste anyone’s time (especially my own) anymore than the next person. But, come on. Have some common sense, please.

New guy, it was you who said you’d never leave San Diego permanently. It was you who said you’d be leaving for New Zealand to pursue a master’s degree in a few months.

It is you who … I like as a friend. Sigh.

For a little over a week now, I’ve been battling with the humbling realization that I should really learn when to keep my mouth shut. I went on a date with an acquaintance that happened to be introduced to me at a happy hour a few weeks back. We had a good time, enjoyed conversation, end of story… until new guy asked his friend for my contact information. The date went well. That is, until he inquired about his friend (a previous albeit short-lived pursuer of mine) and proceeded to pry information out of me about him – what I thought of him, how the dates went, why they didn’t work, etc.

Okay, I’m a pretty honest person. However, I’d like to consider myself to be a nice person who usually, knows when to shut it…unless of course, I feel a little passionate about something and/or have had a glass a wine. Put the two together and it’s a lethal combination. Anyway, I was well into my chardonnay when I started spewing about how I didn’t like when this particular individual would talk at length about how his extended family’s estate inland of Del Mar is worth five million dollars plus and that’s just a “drop in the bucket� of their assets, money, wealth… you get the idea. I kid you not. The phrase “drop in the bucket� –I think at one point he even specified the bucket to be at least five gallons – was repeated at least three times. What is a girl to do? Be impressed? Or insulted?

It seems as though I don’t make decisions until something seems to stand in my way or someone tells me I can’t do it… and even though this gent in particular never told me I couldn’t do anything, essentially what I heard was that anything I wanted to do outside of San Diego would definitely not be with him, despite his greatness.

Then again, maybe if I were to be completely honest with myself I could attribute some of these feelings of just being content with liking someone far away.

Why would I waste my time? Because it’s safe, I’ve decided. And, I’m not really settling either. It’s the best of both worlds.

Think about it…if it doesn’t (which it won’t –although, I’m hearing my mom’s voice, “You never know,� echoing in my ears) work, it won’t be because of me or something I did. I won’t feel as much rejection. It’s such a long distance and those take work… so much that I don’t think either of us is really willing or able to put in to a full-on relationship right now… and so, when either one of us moves on (ahem, like my going on dates with all-but-perfect men and negating them as a prospect because they want to live close to their family…I need help), it won’t be because I’m neurotic or clingy or passive-aggressive or judgmental or just a jerk sometimes, but it will be because of the distance…or so we’ll say.

Or at least, that’s what I’ll tell myself. And that’s a safe place for me to be right now.

I went on a date with a really great guy recently. He’s the full package and then some. Not only is he TDH [read: Tall, Dark and Handsome], but he’s charming, a great conversationalist, well-traveled and very generous. He knows how to treat a woman.

So, Sandy, what’s the problem? I haven’t the slightest clue…other than the fact that one of the first things out of his mouth when I met him was that he’s a native to San Diego and has absolutely no desire to ever leave (for long that is).

I don’t know if I tucked this tidbit away and decided to use it as my own internal kryptonite against him and force myself not to get “too attached,� because well, duh, I tell myself, “it would never work.� I have years of exploring left and who knows where I want to end up? I sure don’t.

But what I do know is that I don’t want to be confined to one place the rest of my life because someone else decided that for me. But what if I’m taking
fate into my own hands and not just letting it take its course?

Huh…and all this time I thought I was getting sick and tired of making big life decisions because they were so daunting…well, that wasn’t so hard.

All I need to do is find men who lay all their want cards out on the table and I pick and choose like it’s a tarot deck or just shove them all onto the floor into a 52-card pickup and skip away. … Have I been doing this all along? I’m sensing a pattern…

The other day, I talked to my mentor for quite some time…well, she talked, I listened. When she first started dating her husband, she said that he “wasn’t even a contender.” To me, this is very interesting…because, well, they’re married. How do we go from not having any interest in someone at all to falling in love and …marrying them?

It makes me wonder if I’ve even met my next counterpart in a long-term relationship (LTR), let alone, *gulp* my future …husband…? I can barely type it without feeling anxiety build up in my chest.

I’m a commit-o-phobe, yes…but I can finally admit that I do in fact definitely want to marry someday. Not to just anyone. And of course I don’t expect perfection. But he’s going to have to be pretty damn great for me to promise forever to him. Because as scared as I am of marrying and having a family someday, I’m really more afraid of divorce.

So, I went on a date tonight…and he’s great. Handsome. Charming. Generous. and I can’t say that he’s “definitely not a contender” because I did have fun with him. He’s really cool. But it’s hard…and a tap-dance because my heart strings are being pulled a little from about 2000 miles away…this is normal right?

Maybe it’s a time thing…he did pass the “three minute” (the I was still attracted/interested after three minutes) test. Maybe I need to give it at least the “second try” thing… maybe I should just not force it (anything… just do nothing?) and see what happens?

Maybe I shouldn’t have these great expectations and just stop making excuses. Ugh.

Do you believe in soulmates? Are you on the hunt for the elusive “one” for you?

Do you nitpick your dates to convince yourself he/she is completely wrong for you? Or do you want to be part of a couple so badly you look beyond his irritating habit of picking his teeth during dinner or her neurotic tendencies…

Signs your date isn’t The One lists a few ways to put your problems and differences into perspective and decide whether or not you’re being met with a dealbreaker.

We all have them… but are we aware of them?

I wonder what my reputation is… if I had to guess, I’d say I have the reputation of being notoriously loud… and, well…I probably talk too much. And, honestly that’s all I can think of right now.

When you begin dating someone, do you know their reputations already? Guess? Do you meet their friends? If you live in a small community where there is literally three degrees of separation of everyone being practically related, do you investigate to try to puzzle together the idiosyncracies of your date’s personality before they’re blatantly put out in front of you (or you along with the world) to see?

If your guy is a hothead and flies off the handle, would you want to know that ahead of time?

If he galavants and has commitment issues, would you rather talk to a past fling of his to get the truth (or maybe a jealous psycho rage, who really knows for sure?) about his ways or go through the course at your own speed and find out in your own way?

I was out with a guy friend of mine recently. At one point during the night he made a point to tag back a would-be date for Saturday night with full intention of having just the right amount of noise and women’s laughter in the background.

Call it whatever you want –ultimately, it’s a strategy.

Do you ever do this? I’m probably guilty, though I’m not much of a player in these sorts of games so much as an oblivious bystander at times… ha.

Come on, it’s clever. It’s a way to be available without being too available. It’s a way of showing interest minus the desperation factor and basically sums a guy up to showing said girl that he does in fact have a life outside of her–and has friends even!– and is fully capable of carrying on with or without her.

Smooth move my friend Here’s to you and a-hoping you get a lil sum’sum set for Saturday!

I’m always interested to hear about new and innovative ways of dating… I thought all of them were kind of washed up and old but just when I thought I’d heard everything… I stumbled upon “The Quiet Party.”

If you reside in either NYC or San Francisco, you might have heard of it… apparently, spoken word is forbidden at these organized “parties,” and potential daters must communicate by writing only. The only way to get around this rule is to go to a “whispering area” where participants are allowed to finally break the silence.

Contact info for hosting a party in your city, FAQ’s and more information can be found at Quiet Party