Dating Outlook

So I ended it with A. The night after our date actually. I couldn’t bring myself to see him face to face again – especially after the shared humiliation of the would-be car wreck. And he’s pretty chatty and awkward on the phone, so I emailed him.

I have to admit, I think I’m a bit much to take. I pity any guy who even attempts to date me—I wouldn’t have the energy to put up with my crap if I were someone I wasn’t really all that into. I’m pretty brutal—and with that, brutally honest.

I thought I was straight with him, but I don’t think he believed me when I had told him the night before that I really do in fact enjoy being single….and now, after the fact as I’m thinking about it, alive. I like living and being mobile and not being rammed into trees or having the fear of being rammed into a tree. I mean, if a little nervousness causes tree-ramming, what does an argument six months into a real relationship perpetuate?

So, taken from the advice of a (male) friend, I just came out with it. “Be blunt about it. I, like other guys, don’t take subtle hints.� Hah. Okay then. Here goes nothin’.

“Hi A. Thanks again for last night. Dinner was nice. Like I said, I think you’re a great guy. However, despite how I may feel about you as a person, my feelings for you are completely platonic. That’s why I pulled away when you kissed me. I’m sorry, I just don’t think I feel the same way you do. I know you have a lot coming up with graduation. I wish you the best of luck.�

Too harsh? I don’t know.

Since my unexpected parcel last week, I have had breakups—particularly mine with JC—on the mind. Thankfully as part distraction, I have been catching up on some reading this weekend. In Myreah Moore and Jodie Gould’s Date Like a Man, the ladies pull together a cut-and-dry “Ex-Files Quiz� to help women better identify when it is time to let go of that guy who just doesn’t seem to cut it…

“How do you know when it’s time to let go?

If you answered yes to five or more of the questions above, it’s time for you to ex-terminate your relationship.”

Wow. I’m taking a silent inventory and realizing just how much I’ve learned in my 7+ years of dating men… I must admit, my standards (which were slim to none when I began because I had even less of a clue then than I do now) have completely changed. It’s weird because I’ve become someone who follows intuition about each date and goes from there. I think it’s necessary to kiss the toads to figure out what you ultimately want out of a man, a relationship and yourself.

My heart broke a little tonight. Last week, I spoke to my ex of two years. We’ve been broken up for a little over two years as well. Despite a tumultuous breakup, we’ve moved past it and are now amicable. I adore him. The problem was that I was not able to commit to him and didn’t see myself with him for the rest of my life. He thought… or “knew” I guess… that he was going to marry me.

Last Sunday when we spoke, I thought we’d reached a pivotal point. He was the one to end the conversation first this time and since I didn’t have much to talk about—because I was tired of making him listen to me complain or basically say the same thing over and over every time he talked to me—I barely talked at all. I figured he was finally over it. Over me.

Then tonight I checked the mail. There was a package. From JC. He’d been to a concert of one of his favorite artists recently and got me a signed album. Enclosed was this note:

Hey Sandy,

JC
I opened the CD case…underneath the CD are all the thank-you’s. Low and behold. There are both of our names. On the inside of her CD. I’m a little bit speechless. Wow.

Linda writes back:

Hey thanks for your response! well…to be honest, I can’t see myself being attracted to him–he’s very overweight and I feel shallow and I know I shouldn’t but I’m just not sure I can get past that. I’m just not physically attracted to him.

I would go out w/ him once, but if I know I’m not interested is that deceiving? Should I just be upfront? my friend john (who I am totally crushing on and who I may or may not have kind of made out w/ last week when we were both drunk– we’re cool though) kind of recommended the whole honesty thing especially since Evan (that’s his name) referred to this “getting to know each other time” as a date, and not just, “hey lets hang out sometime.” So there are some expectations set and if I don’t have an interest in dating him do I need to be upfront with him?

But how do you just tell someone you’re not attracted to them??? Do I pull the “lets be friends” card??? Do I say I think we should hang out in a group setting? Do I say I just got hurt and I’m not ready for a relationship? (Which is true but…) ugh…it just sucks and the thing I hate more than anything in the world is someone hurting on account of me…it just makes me feel nauseous! So yeah…that’s about it.

Is honesty the best policy in this situation? Is it too brutal to hear that you’re not someone’s type? Does this situation warrant sugar-coating? Methinks yes…readers?

It seems as though I don’t make decisions until something seems to stand in my way or someone tells me I can’t do it… and even though this gent in particular never told me I couldn’t do anything, essentially what I heard was that anything I wanted to do outside of San Diego would definitely not be with him, despite his greatness.

Then again, maybe if I were to be completely honest with myself I could attribute some of these feelings of just being content with liking someone far away.

Why would I waste my time? Because it’s safe, I’ve decided. And, I’m not really settling either. It’s the best of both worlds.

Think about it…if it doesn’t (which it won’t –although, I’m hearing my mom’s voice, “You never know,� echoing in my ears) work, it won’t be because of me or something I did. I won’t feel as much rejection. It’s such a long distance and those take work… so much that I don’t think either of us is really willing or able to put in to a full-on relationship right now… and so, when either one of us moves on (ahem, like my going on dates with all-but-perfect men and negating them as a prospect because they want to live close to their family…I need help), it won’t be because I’m neurotic or clingy or passive-aggressive or judgmental or just a jerk sometimes, but it will be because of the distance…or so we’ll say.

Or at least, that’s what I’ll tell myself. And that’s a safe place for me to be right now.

I have a dear friend who I’m surprised has not been snatched up and hitched by now.

I keep imagining her married at 25 the very latest. She strikes me as who would be a young bride and a youthful mother…and not that she’s not young– she’s a couple months younger than me–but I just always assumed she’d be “first,” I guess…or more accurately, before me.

A few weeks ago, I thought it finally happened. She met her future husband, I thought. I was literally envisioning her wedding day and the future babies she’d have. Over the phone I could tell she was aglow and finally had a contentment about her. She met him and had a bit of a whirlwind of a fall……he began visiting her every weekend and just this past, they celebrated his birthday together. Then, rather unexpectantly, that night it ended by his choice.

Now, I know we’ve all been hurt. We’ve all felt led on, deceived and wronged by someone.

How do we get so wrapped up in the falling that we don’t see the possibility of ever crashing and burning?

When it happens, it is literally a shock to the system. It’s almost as if there’s a period of mourning what could’ve/would’ve/should’ve been.

How can one person be so into something and the other just…not? Is it fear? How can it change so fast?

So tonight I had to do something I don’t really enjoy and that is being brutally honest. To the point where I feel like I’m crossing the line just a little.

The artist formerly known as “smokey breath” continues to pursue. However, it had been a couple of weeks since his last point of contact and so his latest message was one of concern…and was even bordering on a line of defense. He was asking if he had said something horrible to offend me during our last encounter…

Now, he’s the one who works with people in relationships. He studies STDs and people’s sexual behaviors and behaviors in and out of relationships with others.

He is the one who swelled with pride about his vast knowledge in being able to manipulate the actions of others around him by merely acting or reacting in a certain way.

He was the one who was so confident in his stance that he spoke with conviction at how important it is when letting someone go, to be “consistent” with the strategy.

In my letting go of him, I chose to tell him right away how I felt–nothing–and then proceeded with silence. And I chose to be consistent.

He, in turn, continued to pursue…I decided to ignore it instead of protest for fear of leading him on…

okay, so what did he expect? Did he think I was just being coy and playing hard to get so he could conquer me in his attempt to win me over? Or is he just dense in his refusal to take my word for what I know I didn’t feel? …

I knew it had to end when I felt the elusive spark with someone I’d barely met. Now don’t read into that statement. Of course, nothing came of it. Just because I felt a spark didn’t mean I had any intention of acting on it. If that were the case, I’d have something to regret.

It was a fleeting moment, but it was a pandemonium in my heart. Time might as well have stopped. I felt a spark. It devastated me. I realized then and there that I’d never felt butterflies with the person I was supposedly committed to—the guy who moved to Wales to be closer to me while I was studying in England; the guy who was backpacking with me through Europe; the guy who wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I realized the little “chemistry� we had, I was forcing. My love was not unconditional.

Two years later I still unintentionally compare the men I date to him. I have high standards as it is, but he scaled walls and jumped through rings of fire for me. It just wasn’t right.

It has been two years since I broke up with my most serious boyfriend. It has been two years since I felt like I was worthy of being loved unconditionally. Two years ago I broke his heart.

Let me back up a bit. We had been best friends for about nine months before we made it official. We were interracial. It was complicated. But we got through that. We talked about being together long-term. We even talked about the hypotheticals of marriage, family. His heart was one of the kindest I’d ever known. He was devoted. Loyal. Generous. And he knew how I needed to be loved. Unconditionally.

I loved him. The problem was that I wasn’t sure I was in love. I cared about him deeply. He still reigns as one of my top ten favorite people I’ve ever been lucky enough to meet let alone know. I still consider him one of my best friends of all time. I’m fortunate that he still considers me one of his.

I talk to him about once every month or two to catch up. Mom says I shouldn’t… but he insists that he wants what is best for me and just wants to stay in contact. Maybe Mom and Dad are right when they say he’s trying to stay close enough to be let back in someday. Maybe he is… maybe part of me finds some comfort in that.

To be continued…

Everyone has them. Some probably have more than others. When I am dating, usually there are certain things that are immediate turnoffs for me. I’m talking about deal breakers.

For some, it may be that a person is a kleptomaniac, has a kid, or perpetually smells like patchouli. Undeniably, one of my deal breakers would include the use of marijuana. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not a pothead hater. On the contrary, I’ve rather enjoyed my rare encounters with folk who dabble in the dance with Mary Jane. Honestly, it’s not really so much a judgment thing as it’s just that I prefer to be in a relationship with someone who is completely lucid the majority of the time he and I are together. Am I being unreasonable or prudish? I don’t think so…but I guess I’m kind of biased.

This has never really been an issue with the men I’ve dated. Anyone who had smoked in the past made a point not to do it while they were in a relationship with me. That is, until recently. Thankfully, the lawyer I’m seeing was upfront and honest that he’d smoke on occasion and asked if I have a problem with it. I thought about it for a second and replied that I wasn’t really sure. The truth is, since it’d never been an issue, I guess I had never really thought about it. Fast forward to just a couple hours later when his friends walk through the door drunk and start smoking an arm’s length away from me and I soon came to the realization that I am definitely NOT okay with it.

Maybe it’s the smell, maybe it’s the fact that it’s illegal or maybe it’s the fact that this guy I’m seeing is a lawyer(!) and supposed to be a compass in situations like this. Right? Instead, it just all seemed so inconsistent and maybe part of the reason I was so not okay with it was the fact that I get incredibly irritated with inconsistency. Are you upholding the law or not? Do you take your job seriously at all? So, which laws are okay to break and which are flexible? If you ever get married, are some of the vows you take going to be flexible too? I can see it now, “Yeah honey, the fidelity thing…okay, whatever …but honor and obey…yeah, I’m going to have to ignore that one.� Oh, the joys of being a woman of who overanalyzes. I’m having flashbacks to the polygraph once again… “Have you ever dated someone who smoked marijuana?� I’m sensing a theme here. What are your deal breakers? Share with me, let’s get a forum going!

xx
Sandy

Why is it that some men are like a drug? The guy I am currently seeing does things to me. Before seeing him, I get an anxiety comparable to the after-effects of three double espressos from Starbucks. When we’re together, I’m either euphoric—I get wrapped up in the folds of his presence. Or a volatile mess— the two of us together are too proud, stubborn, and egotistical and in short, a train wreck. When I come off the high of being around him, it’s a low like I’ve never known. It’s an exhaustive, zombie-like coma. And when I go an extended period of time without seeing him, I go through what could only be described as a state of withdrawal. Maybe the drug isn’t so much the man, but the infatuation with the man. Maybe it’s the fact that it’s a challenge—something I haven’t had in quite some time. In either case, I want a new drug.

So you wanna know about my dating history? Easy … I can say; “what dating history?” and be almost 100% honest with my laughter towards the answer. I have an easy dating history to talk about.

3rd grade: KO kissed my cheek on the bus, I ran off & told my dad. He told me never to tell him stuff like that again. I really remember that. I still don’t tell him anything dating-wise.

5th grade: KS and I talked on the phone every day. I went to his birthday party. He collected trolls - and I added to his collection.

then boys got to be shorter and dumber than me for quite some time

8th grade: CH, my first real boyfriend and I kissed. I consider his kiss to be my first ever. He and I professed our love for one another. We still love one another. Too bad he’s gay. LOL

9th grade: RR and I saw lots of movies and hung out at our houses (with parental supervision) for a long time. His dad died the day before I was going to dump him so I stuck it out for a while. Just what a guy needs - a dead dad and a girlfriendless summer. (I should not be laughing at this, but I am.)

10th grade: I started the year dating NM … RR’s best friend … LOL … it lasted a month before I realized that I didn’t want to start high school “tied down.” Little did I know that I would meet Ex about two weeks later. A month after meeting we started dating and were inseparable. We were that gross high school couple.

12th grade: Ex moved away (2 hours North) to school, and in April of my Senior year of high school he proposed. I accepted but returned the ring and broke up with him in May. I wasn’t ready to be married, I hadn’t even left my hometown yet.

Freshman year of college: CW and I started seeing one another. He was three years younger than me and it posed quite a problem. His dad once accused me of being Satan. (Yes, being Satan.) Needless to say, it didn’t work out for us. AM and I went on a few dates but his insanely goofy nature was too much for me to put up with. In Chemistry it was great - chem lecture was boring as hell - but everywhere else it got annoying.

In May of my Freshman year Ex asked to get back together, and since I hadn’t been happy dating other guys, I gave it another chance. A year later he proposed again and we were married a year after that. We’ve been divorced for almost 9 months now. Obviously we weren’t meant to be together … as much as we tried to force it.

So yeah, I can count the number of guys I’ve dated on two hands. I’m going to be 25 this year and while part of me is proud of this fact, part of me feels pretty lame for it. We’ll see if I can’t change that in 2007 though!

dates, relationships, marriage, divorce history, personal

If you’re anything like me, music plays an immense part in you life. Right after getting divorced, I asked my friend sto create a “best breakup songs” list for me, and I still listen to it when I need to. Here are some of my favorites from those songs!

1. Let Him Fly - Patty Griffin’s version (although The Dixie Chick’s version is really good, too)
2. Before He Cheats - Carrie Underwood (hiliarious song even if he didn’t cheat)
3. She’s Like the Wind - Patrick Swayze (from the Dirty Dancing soundtrack)
4. How am I Supposed to Live Without You - Michael Bolton (so sad, and it make me laugh thinking about how sad I really found it then)
5. Miss You Like Crazy - Natalie Cole
6. You Oughta Know - Alanis Morisette (still, anything by her makes me feel empowered and strong … I love me some Alanis)
7. Big Girls Don’t Cry - The Four Seasons (well, we do, but this song still makes me happy to listen to it)
8. Where Did the Love Go - Tegan & Sara (amazingly beautiful and (to me) haunting song)
9. I Will Survive - Gloria Gaynor (every woman needs to know all the words to this song. Honestly, for a long time, I was only surviving five minutes at a time, and this song was really powerful to me during each of those five minutes.)
10. The Beekeeper - Tori Amos (”Don’t say it’s time to say goodbye to Pisces. I cried and I washed my tears that turned into diamond ice, into ice and if it could freeze my heart wouldn’t float away.” I. Love. This. Song.)

songs, music, break-up music, breaking up, relationships, Patty Griffin, Carrie Underwood, Patrick Swayze, Michael Bolton, Natalie Cole, Alanis Morisette, The Four Seasons, Tegan & Sara, Gloria Gaynor, Tori Amos