Dating Outlook

Posts will be few and far between this week as San Diego is being engulfed by wildfires. Please say a prayer for the evacuees.

xoxo
Sandy

Halloween is coming up and that means the skeletons all come out. Now I know you have a skeleton in your closet… Lord knows I’ve got a couple. I thought I would go out on a limb and share a couple with you since first dates have become like a proper interviewing process and randomly the men I date will bring up their quirks, their skeletons and their crazy tendencies.

Skeleton number one – When I was nineteen I posed topless for my friend’s photography assignment. He was going after a “Venus de Milo� theme and honestly, it was actually very tasteful. Every move he made erred on the side of being overly respectful and cautious. What did I get out of it? I got chocolate covered strawberries out of the deal, he made extra copies of the photos and of course, I told him when I’m famous he was forbidden to sell the photos for millions of dollars –because everyone in their right mind knows they’d be worth that much. Duh.

Skeleton number two – I had my nipples pierced for four months. This was a small shock to some of my friends because it seemed a little out of my sometimes shy character. When I went in to do it, the first one was cake…then the adrenaline stopped gushing through my veins and the second one made me about pass out. Apparently I was several shades of green. It hurt. Fun for awhile, but trust me when I say they do weird things to the body…especially when you’re not seeing anyone and may or may not be sexually frustrated. Ahem. End of story.

Share your skeletons with me. We’re all friends here.

There is this guy. He is from my church. He invited me to play football in the afternoon with his friends. Wow. I haven’t played football in years… then we went to dinner. And we talked. I don’t know that I’ve ever had a more brutally honest encounter or discussion with someone of the opposite sex before that I barely even know… I didn’t really know the ground rules. And I thought football was going to be the problem.

Out of nowhere, he shares his entire dating past with me… which literally led up until a few weeks ago…when he “hooked up� with a girl …who had and currently does still have a boyfriend… and now is pregnant. However, she does not know for certain whom the father may be.

So, what the hell am I supposed to think?

This guy goes to church…identifies himself as and calls himself a Christian. And Christians have this thing where they’re supposed to confess to each other and keep each other accountable. I think I’m going to write off his and my little conversation as being just that—a way to be kept in check without being called a “bad personâ€? or …whatever…?

I don’t effing know wtf to think. Then he said that since he just opened up to me, that it was my turn to share. So share I did…the short versions with discretion of course.

I’m having flashbacks to Hometown guy’s facebook message about only being able to meet women who have kids, are pregnant or divorced… am I getting to the point where every potential guy I meet will inevitably have more baggage than I do?

I don’t think I’ll ever understand men. Today I received the most random message ever from the guy I see when I’m back in Iowa…which isn’t very often… and I kind of decided to just let go because really, what’s the point right?

I checked my email and had one of those Facebook messages–the kind that says “John Doe” sent you a message. My heart stopped. I thought that since we hadn’t really talked for the last two weeks –which was actually a pretty sorry excuse for a talk at all– it meant he was letting it/us/the whole thing go too.

I open up the message to see…and I quote:
“Hello stranger…how are things? I have been busy with soccer and teaching but felt bad that I was ignoring you. Did you move into your place or are you waiting… I can’t remember? I went on a blind date the other night…interesting. I think that everyone around my age in Dubuque that happens to be a cool girl is either pregnant, has a kid, or was divorced. Wow. Hope all is going well, but wanted to give you a brief outline of how much free time I don’t have.”

Doubleyoo tee eff… What is all that? Can someone, preferably a guy, please translate? I don’t know what any of that means. Is this another weird game to which I don’t know the rules?

So far the interpretations –all two of them—are across the board:

Male friend/coworker: “He’s saying he likes you but is moving on.”

Well, duh. I assumed we were both adult enough to not pretend we’d wait around for each other–but I don’t divulge details about my dates to him… nor do I plan on doing it in a half-hearted blurb of verbal diarrhea on Facebook any time soon.

Dad: “He’s saying he’d still be dating you if you were around Sand.”

I’m at a loss…and really, just… don’t know how to respond. Lay it on me–what the hell is he talking about and more importantly, what do I say back?

I love my girlfriends. Especially the ones I admire and for whom I have the utmost respect. I call them my soul sisters. I liken them to being the family I am fortunate enough to get to choose, if they’ll have and put up with me and my antics because Lord knows I’m a test of patience. I love my girls. I don’t like to see them hurting. I don’t like to hear about it 2,000 miles away and I don’t like not being able to be there to hold their hand or have them cry on my shoulder or just have a good old fashioned sappy movie fest featuring Chris O’Donnell’s backside in the buff.

My heart broke a little tonight. Because I know hers is broken a little. One of my soul sisters recently started taking a relationship with the guy she was seeing to a more official level. It had been a long time coming.

The pursuit has been going on and off for over a year I think. Like any relationship, they’ve had their share of ups and downs…but they really like(d?) each other. Then he had to go and kiss someone else. What the crap is that?

Now first off, no one deserves to have that done to them. But second, especially her. Someone who would never fathom doing something so careless. She is one of the purest of people I know. On top of that, she’s got a heart that doesn’t stop giving. Her whole reason for being is to help others and let me tell you, she is a rockstar at giving.

Forgive me, I’m a little anti-guy today. Well, anti-untrustworthyjerkfacewhoruinsEVERYTHINGguy today. I think I might be a little hormonal…watch out.

So here’s a mutual albeit weird he/she’s “just not that into you� scenario. Well, my intuition says it’s mutual. But for whatever reason—we’re both “too nice,� feel obligated to “be friends,� or maybe one (meaning him…I think? Because I think I’m pretty indifferent at this point) is actually holding on for …something yet to be seen? Maybe? I can’t really tell. Is that sad or what?

I have gone on two dates with this guy. During the week we keep in contact through email and the last two weekends he was planning on being away… until the day before suddenly it’s a newsflash that he’s going to be in town. Great. He asks me if I’d be interested in doing something. Okay, sidebar: What the hell does that phrase mean? Because naïve li’l ol’ me here thought that meant “let’s plan something and hey—here’s an idea…let’s stick to the original plan.� So we agree to hypothetical plans. Well played. But apparently I’m a moron because the day of he either texts or calls and asks if I’m still interested in hanging out. Then proceeds to tell me he and his friends are participating in x, y and z at the [insert random location where there is little parking and likely has a cover charge here].

Why even ask me if I want to hang out? Why not say upfront that you and your friends are probably going to do something as a group and then ask me if I want to join you all instead of it being an afterthought and therefore total change to the original plan… I don’t get it. What I don’t understand is that I don’t think either of us is really interested enough to care a whole lot—but then why are we wasting each other’s time just humoring each other throughout the week? Because it’s better than nothing? Is that it? Pssh. I guess…

Linda writes back:

Hey thanks for your response! well…to be honest, I can’t see myself being attracted to him–he’s very overweight and I feel shallow and I know I shouldn’t but I’m just not sure I can get past that. I’m just not physically attracted to him.

I would go out w/ him once, but if I know I’m not interested is that deceiving? Should I just be upfront? my friend john (who I am totally crushing on and who I may or may not have kind of made out w/ last week when we were both drunk– we’re cool though) kind of recommended the whole honesty thing especially since Evan (that’s his name) referred to this “getting to know each other time” as a date, and not just, “hey lets hang out sometime.” So there are some expectations set and if I don’t have an interest in dating him do I need to be upfront with him?

But how do you just tell someone you’re not attracted to them??? Do I pull the “lets be friends” card??? Do I say I think we should hang out in a group setting? Do I say I just got hurt and I’m not ready for a relationship? (Which is true but…) ugh…it just sucks and the thing I hate more than anything in the world is someone hurting on account of me…it just makes me feel nauseous! So yeah…that’s about it.

Is honesty the best policy in this situation? Is it too brutal to hear that you’re not someone’s type? Does this situation warrant sugar-coating? Methinks yes…readers?

So this boy… Who is great but you’re not attracted to… Well, this is tough… Because he’s fun to hang out with and great …but you’re not attracted to him. Fair enough.

Do you think you could be attracted to him? Is it even a remote possibility? Or is there something about him like a weight issue or acne or big ears or …? Something you can pinpoint and say that’s why there’s no attraction or do you think he is someone you could grow into liking eventually given his great personality?

I will be perfectly honest with you… –for me, personally—I know that if I’m not physically attracted to someone for whatever reason, it won’t work. Maybe it means I won’t really let it go anywhere, but in any case it’s nowhere is where it’s going. Capice? For me, if attraction is there, it’s there. If it isn’t, it isn’t. It’s really just an on/off switch for me. I guess I don’t have much of a gray area so if you’re like me and know it’s just soooo not there, then just be honest and tell him you do in fact think he’s really cool (great even) *smirk* but don’t want to lead him on because you just don’t feel “that” way about him… sigh.

Or you could humor him and go on a (singular, one) date –maybe a coffee date– with him and turn it into something platonic. Do you know what I mean? Have you ever done that? You’re out with someone and the conversation just kind of turns… platonic? It can be done…

I love getting emails… Recently, a dear friend wrote in:

Dear Sandy,

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I froze…but am a good enough actress that the deer in the headlights that was sitting on my insides did not (I don’t
think) show on my face or in my voice and I was like “yeah, okay, sure” I didn’t know what else to do!!! Scary!!! Sooo…my dear Sandy…of dating outlook…what do i do??? I HATE hurting people and don’t want to hurt his feelings. Oh gosh i feel nauseous…i think he just totally caught me off guard.

Readers, any suggestions on what Linda should do? Should she wait it out and give it a real chance –could he be the one? I doubt it. But, this is your chance to weigh in. I want to hear what the guys and the girls think and she wants to know too. Leave a comment and give us your opinion.

Well, needless to say, I was a little insulted –I’m no gold digger. Contrary to popular belief, I can’t be bought. It’s too bad for him it didn’t work, because I found myself divulging this information to new guy. What was I thinking? Hey, I warned you. My self-proclamation Reputation is that of a talker-too-mucher also known as, “insert-foot-in-mouther.”

Thankfully, I don’t really feel much for new guy. But it made for awkwardness when new guy in turn said I seemed to have a whole critique ready for Mr. “Drop in the Bucket� as if I had to defend my metaphorically giving him a score of four on a scale of one to ten.

Well, it wasn’t just the money bit.

It was that he doesn’t like Oprah.

It was the twelve year age gap. It was that he was the one who is older but barely acts my age.

It was that he’d ask me a question only as segue into his own new topic about himself –which, by the way is a rare talent when whatever comes out of my mouth has nothing to do with whatever was about to come out of his next. Hmm… that could easily have become an amusing game. I should have thought about this more carefully.

It was that it just was not right. Or I’m just too picky picky? Which is what I should have said to begin with – chardonnay or not.

New guy expressed concern about how I felt about him. Ugh. I get it. I don’t like to waste anyone’s time (especially my own) anymore than the next person. But, come on. Have some common sense, please.

New guy, it was you who said you’d never leave San Diego permanently. It was you who said you’d be leaving for New Zealand to pursue a master’s degree in a few months.

It is you who … I like as a friend. Sigh.

For a little over a week now, I’ve been battling with the humbling realization that I should really learn when to keep my mouth shut. I went on a date with an acquaintance that happened to be introduced to me at a happy hour a few weeks back. We had a good time, enjoyed conversation, end of story… until new guy asked his friend for my contact information. The date went well. That is, until he inquired about his friend (a previous albeit short-lived pursuer of mine) and proceeded to pry information out of me about him – what I thought of him, how the dates went, why they didn’t work, etc.

Okay, I’m a pretty honest person. However, I’d like to consider myself to be a nice person who usually, knows when to shut it…unless of course, I feel a little passionate about something and/or have had a glass a wine. Put the two together and it’s a lethal combination. Anyway, I was well into my chardonnay when I started spewing about how I didn’t like when this particular individual would talk at length about how his extended family’s estate inland of Del Mar is worth five million dollars plus and that’s just a “drop in the bucket� of their assets, money, wealth… you get the idea. I kid you not. The phrase “drop in the bucket� –I think at one point he even specified the bucket to be at least five gallons – was repeated at least three times. What is a girl to do? Be impressed? Or insulted?

It seems as though I don’t make decisions until something seems to stand in my way or someone tells me I can’t do it… and even though this gent in particular never told me I couldn’t do anything, essentially what I heard was that anything I wanted to do outside of San Diego would definitely not be with him, despite his greatness.

Then again, maybe if I were to be completely honest with myself I could attribute some of these feelings of just being content with liking someone far away.

Why would I waste my time? Because it’s safe, I’ve decided. And, I’m not really settling either. It’s the best of both worlds.

Think about it…if it doesn’t (which it won’t –although, I’m hearing my mom’s voice, “You never know,� echoing in my ears) work, it won’t be because of me or something I did. I won’t feel as much rejection. It’s such a long distance and those take work… so much that I don’t think either of us is really willing or able to put in to a full-on relationship right now… and so, when either one of us moves on (ahem, like my going on dates with all-but-perfect men and negating them as a prospect because they want to live close to their family…I need help), it won’t be because I’m neurotic or clingy or passive-aggressive or judgmental or just a jerk sometimes, but it will be because of the distance…or so we’ll say.

Or at least, that’s what I’ll tell myself. And that’s a safe place for me to be right now.

I went on a date with a really great guy recently. He’s the full package and then some. Not only is he TDH [read: Tall, Dark and Handsome], but he’s charming, a great conversationalist, well-traveled and very generous. He knows how to treat a woman.

So, Sandy, what’s the problem? I haven’t the slightest clue…other than the fact that one of the first things out of his mouth when I met him was that he’s a native to San Diego and has absolutely no desire to ever leave (for long that is).

I don’t know if I tucked this tidbit away and decided to use it as my own internal kryptonite against him and force myself not to get “too attached,� because well, duh, I tell myself, “it would never work.� I have years of exploring left and who knows where I want to end up? I sure don’t.

But what I do know is that I don’t want to be confined to one place the rest of my life because someone else decided that for me. But what if I’m taking
fate into my own hands and not just letting it take its course?

Huh…and all this time I thought I was getting sick and tired of making big life decisions because they were so daunting…well, that wasn’t so hard.

All I need to do is find men who lay all their want cards out on the table and I pick and choose like it’s a tarot deck or just shove them all onto the floor into a 52-card pickup and skip away. … Have I been doing this all along? I’m sensing a pattern…

The other day, I talked to my mentor for quite some time…well, she talked, I listened. When she first started dating her husband, she said that he “wasn’t even a contender.” To me, this is very interesting…because, well, they’re married. How do we go from not having any interest in someone at all to falling in love and …marrying them?

It makes me wonder if I’ve even met my next counterpart in a long-term relationship (LTR), let alone, *gulp* my future …husband…? I can barely type it without feeling anxiety build up in my chest.

I’m a commit-o-phobe, yes…but I can finally admit that I do in fact definitely want to marry someday. Not to just anyone. And of course I don’t expect perfection. But he’s going to have to be pretty damn great for me to promise forever to him. Because as scared as I am of marrying and having a family someday, I’m really more afraid of divorce.

So, I went on a date tonight…and he’s great. Handsome. Charming. Generous. and I can’t say that he’s “definitely not a contender” because I did have fun with him. He’s really cool. But it’s hard…and a tap-dance because my heart strings are being pulled a little from about 2000 miles away…this is normal right?

Maybe it’s a time thing…he did pass the “three minute” (the I was still attracted/interested after three minutes) test. Maybe I need to give it at least the “second try” thing… maybe I should just not force it (anything… just do nothing?) and see what happens?

Maybe I shouldn’t have these great expectations and just stop making excuses. Ugh.

“Sandy, when you start seeing someone, do you ever imagine if it worked out, what your kids would look like? Like what they’d do and who they’d be when they grew up?� Um… what?

Shocked and not knowing how to respond exactly, (because…well, I’m a girl, of COURSE I imagine those things! Even though, I always fancied myself as one to adopt…and that’s if I decide to have kids…what the crap – I go from being terrified of children to suddenly ecstatic that someone has thought about procreating with me) I ask, “do you?�

Well, apparently you have. Duh.

“I asked you first…That’s why I asked you if you’re athletic.�

Uhhh… Okay, for reality’s sake—since all of it’s quite the long shot—we’ll say he’s athletic enough for the both of us. I was (am) the speech/theatre geek who still prides herself on her former thespian status. Not only does he coach multiple traveling soccer teams and pre-kick football, but plays in an independent league as well… pretty sure just being around the guy will make me athletic by association.

It’s a weird thought. I’ve got dark hair, dark eyes. He’s an Aryan stallion with piercing blue eyes. What would they look like? Ohhh pretty babies What would they do?

I don’t know but I have to admit, I’m more than a little intimidated at the thought of ever being pregnant by a soccer player… the kid would take that kicking thing they do to a whole new level. Not sure how I feel about that. I have a sensitive stomach.

Maybe he’ll be a drama king or she’ll be in choir… the American Idol twenty years from now?

Maybe in an event of irony, my hypothetical kid I’ll have in fifteen years will inspire me to become more athletic to get rid of the post-baby belly? Perhaps pull a Mommy Makeover or maybe, just maybe he’ll teach me how to play soccer.