Dating Outlook

So a conversation with a friend spurred these thoughts…what is the definition of cheating? Does it depend on the situation? Are there different degrees? Like is holding hands or peck-kissing lower on the cheat scale than say, making out with someone?

Is an emotional affair worse than physical or vise versa?

Would you want to know the whole truth and nothing but the truth if your partner cheated?

I guess I’ve always thought of it as being very simple…if you are doing something you would not say or do in front of your partner, you’re probably cheating … what types of measures do you all take? What constitutes cheating and what doesn’t?

I have a dear friend who I’m surprised has not been snatched up and hitched by now.

I keep imagining her married at 25 the very latest. She strikes me as who would be a young bride and a youthful mother…and not that she’s not young– she’s a couple months younger than me–but I just always assumed she’d be “first,” I guess…or more accurately, before me.

A few weeks ago, I thought it finally happened. She met her future husband, I thought. I was literally envisioning her wedding day and the future babies she’d have. Over the phone I could tell she was aglow and finally had a contentment about her. She met him and had a bit of a whirlwind of a fall……he began visiting her every weekend and just this past, they celebrated his birthday together. Then, rather unexpectantly, that night it ended by his choice.

Now, I know we’ve all been hurt. We’ve all felt led on, deceived and wronged by someone.

How do we get so wrapped up in the falling that we don’t see the possibility of ever crashing and burning?

When it happens, it is literally a shock to the system. It’s almost as if there’s a period of mourning what could’ve/would’ve/should’ve been.

How can one person be so into something and the other just…not? Is it fear? How can it change so fast?

So…there’s this phenomenon… some (and forgive my play on words, but I’m going to assume my readers can read between the lines…er outside of the “l”…) have been known to refer to it as the “clock block.”

As far as I know, I’ve never been labeled this term of endearment reserved for men and women who either very strategically (or more likely obliviously) intercept an object of desire from the throes of another’s (usually a man’s…hence the “clock”) game of seduction.

In my experience, I’ve only witnessed women do this in a very intent manner where they’re either jealous of or trying to protect their girlfriend from doing something…er someone… she may later regret.

I feel like the story is a bit different for the men. Is it a competition? A ruthless game where the seduction is the chase and proverbial foreplay rolled into one until they ultimately can claim victory and have bragging rights for the locker room?

When we get disappointed in someone–namely, in love and relationships–where does it come from?

We all have expectations of others. I expect friends, family, lovers to maintain a certain level of decorum, to have compassion and to treat me the way they would like to be treated.

I guess, in dating it’s not something that is so cut and dry. Perhaps, to them, you are something other than who that person is to you. The label they give you is different. You’re at a different level. You’re not his “girlfriend,” you are his “friend with benefits,” and vice versa. Usually it has something to do with being on a pedestal where you do no wrong; or conversely, you’re beneath them…you’re naive and foolish and occasionally you just might exceed expectations because they have them set so low for you.

Is it human nature to give ourselves and other too much or too little credit? I think so. I think we base so much of our identity and definitions of our lives on success, power and money that we forget some of the most important things…like being first and foremost a friend…to everyone/anyone… and taking people for who they are rather than their vast accomplishments or again, conversely, their vast amount of screwups.

Okay, so I get the “three day rule” where ya go out on a date and if it went well, you’ll hear from the other person (in my case, since I have a personal rule of not calling first…I don’t know if it’s old fashioned, me wanting to just revel in being “the girl,” or if it’s me just being lazy…I haven’t decided yet…) three days later.

Okay, who was the genius who came up with this one? Arbitrarily, they decided on the number three…I guess (because come on, no one really knows for sure–it’s just this ridiculous idea made to make me more neurotic than I already am) because one day later is too soon, two days just doesn’t sound right because it’s an even number and…well, if you want to be sequential, call the third day…if he waits until day four I’m off planning a wedding with the cute barista from starbucks on 2nd street… no, he doesn’t know it yet. Sigh. Okay, I get that.

WHAT is this phone tag business? I’ll tell ya what it isn’t! It is not the bizness…that’s for sure. It’s irritating. Call me on a thursday, great! i don’t have my entire weekend planned yet… we have just enough time to squeeze in a jamba juice between my precious beach time and my yoglates (it’s a hybrid workout–it’s new, don’t judge me) class.

maybe I just need to turn my trust to fate and let it go…

Are you wonderer? When it doesn’t work out with a guy and I find out he’s with someone new, I find myself wondering what it is that is making it work with “her” instead of me.

Is it her hair? Does she smell nicer? Does she boost his ego and tell him his butt is cute?

What does she do different that I didn’t do? What does she have that I don’t? Are her lips fuller? Is she blonde? more tan? Is she fluent in three languages? Does she want to settle down and have his babies or is she restless …like me?

Is it the sex? Is that all? Does he get butterflies when he’s around her? Does he ever get wrapped up in the folds of my memory? Does he ever miss me?

Perhaps it’s our masochistic nature that compels to compare ourselves to others… even if they don’t quite exist in our world. It’s the past… I should be over it…especially if it was my decision, right? Yes. Lay it …her… him… all thoughts to rest.

There is certainly something to be said about couples on the same schedule… it’s nice. Have you ever been involved with someone who struggled working through the graveyard shift and is just heading into work as you –after a long day of work for yourself– see them head off just in time to kiss them good-bye?

It can’t be fun. What about couples with kids who have to juggle this charade? My parents did it for a few years… Mom worked first shift …Dad worked second… it couldn’t have been easy.

Sometimes there’s just not enough time in a day… Spending time with the one person you supposedly “like” or even “love” shouldn’t be so hard. It shouldn’t feel like a chore and it shouldn’t mean making drastic sacrifices to your daily schedule. Some couples never have a day off together… I know of one couple who only share Sundays together so unfortunately, they don’t do many “couple” things with each other or anyone else for that matter… is it worth it? Doctors, lawyers and other round-the-clock professionals sometimes have to forfeit their happiness with their loved ones to propel their status in their career …to make the money to support the very people they’re depriving themselves from…

If you knew you’d be giving up being able to spend quality time with your special someone because their schedule was ridiculous, would you try to stick it out?

I’m a bit of a commit-o-phobe. I’m the first to admit. I’m 23 years old and every time I turn around, it seems like another one of my friends has caught the love bug and is getting married…not to mention the babies they’re having!

It makes me start to feel old and inferior because quite frankly, I have little interest in any of those things whatsoever at this point in my life. I feel like there’s something wrong with me that I haven’t found “the One;” that I’m not currently watching for price drops in the house market; or that I’m decidedly terrified of children.

Don’t get me wrong. I want to want all these things….eventually. And, yeah it would be nice to have a good guy I’m head over heels for around for support and to just goof around with…but …”forever?” Right now? For real? For scary.

So when I read “Married at 24: Crazy in Love or Just Crazy?” at http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/couplesandmarriage/articlemc.aspx?cp-documentid=5213699&page=1 on MSN.com, I was more than a little relieved that the author used “24″ as her “too young” age. My parents were “underage and engaged” tying the knot at 20 & 21 together… luckily they’ve withstood the test of time and have lasted almost 30 years and are still going strong.

What is it that is so different “nowadays” than just thirty years ago? Are we more superficial? Do we change our minds that much over time? Or are we insatiable? I’ve been feeling a bit insatiable lately…but I guess it’s a comfort to know I’m not alone.

Have you ever been on a date with someone who is really impressed with themself? These people take confidence to a whole new level. Some might even say it’s borderline narcissism. I don’t care if they’re the best cook on the face of the earth, they have a bentley with 24″ rims or if they have rubbed elbows with Tony Hawk…

They’re interesting to listen to for a good forty-five minute rant…but when that forty-five minutes turns into four hours about the slight differentiations of “EVOO,” or 360* kick-flips………………………they become irritating….not to mention impossible to get away from let alone silence.

Questions directed towards you are slim to none and in the event one is asked, is usually a segue into another long-winded and drawn out attempt to flatter themself, once again.

I remember, after a date with one of these fine men, they told me I really made them feel “good about himself”…didn’t really take much on my part aside from just staying conscious…sheesh.

Do you believe things happen for a reason? That there is no such thing as a coincidence?

I always thought I happen to live a rather serendipitous lifestyle…and after watching the movie “Serendipity,” I’m even more convinced. It’s a few years old and stars John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale… if you haven’t seen it, I’m sure you’ve heard of it.

Here’s a short synopsis courtesy movies.yahoo.com:

“It’s a bustling day in New York City, and amidst the usual mad rush, the paths of two strangers collide as they fall victim to a mutual, all-consuming attraction. Despite the fact that each is involved in another relationship, Jonathan and Sara bide their time, staying connected by wandering through Manhattan and talking until the wee hours, while never mentioning each other’s names. But, when the night reaches an inevitable end, the two are forced to determine the next step. When the smitten Jonathan suggests an exchange of phone numbers, Sara has a different idea in mind that will allow fate to take control of the future. If they are meant to be together, she convinces him, the universe will reveal its telltale signs. At least that’s the plan… ”

Sandy wants to hear from you! Look at that, not only is she writing in the third person, she wants to have a little experiment.

Taken people–do you believe you’re with your true soulmate? The one person in the universe that is your real complement? Have you met your match?

Single people–do you ever wonder if the person with whom you’re destined to be is someone you already know/pass by on a regular basis/is someone merely tolerating their current existence/path/lifestyle until fate takes control? Or maybe it has already………

Do you see fate working its way into your life?

So. When are we settling? when someone doesn’t meet our standards? when we’re just not “into” it, or them? When we find ourselves out with someone but our mind (or our eyes) wander towards another?

I told you I fell for someone a couple of months ago, while I was visiting “home.” Bad timing… I had to leave to come back to my job…his father passed on… overall, not an ideal situation. Especially for a not-even budding relationship.

Well, at his request, I informed him that I’m going to be back for a few days next month…and he responds saying hopefully we can hang out…and by the way, he has a free roundtrip ticket and if he doesn’t use it at thanksgiving, is thinking of visiting me….. So. What do I make of this… It’s scary because our status (I don’t even know what to call it, because it’s really not much of anything other than a whole lot of feeling matched with a whole lot of faith) is bipolar going from nil to 360 in no time flat. Of course I’m reading too much into it. Doesn’t every girl? …

I think part of the reason I can’t give anyone else a fighting chance right now is because I’m hung up a lil bit. And I’m okay with it.

Am I a fool, naive or silly for using an intangible and inexplicable feeling as a standard for whether or not I’ll entertain the thought of having something of substance with someone.

Last night, I went on a date with someone I just met. It was a lot of fun. We enjoyed each other’s company.

At the end of the date I found out his age…that being twelve years older than me.

I am going to do what many women refuse to do unless having to prove it in order to get into a bar or club. It’s something I have not yet shared with ya’ll and that is reveal my age. I am twenty three years old. And a fairly fresh twenty three at that.

Maybe it’s irrelevant, but often times people mistake me for being much younger. When people ask if I’ve graduated, usually they’re referring to high school when I have in fact actually graduated from college.

On days I go completely without makeup and/or decide to wear my black plastic framed glasses, I have been mistaken for being thirteen.

The man I went on a date with is thirty five. 35! Next year I will be two-thirds his age. That’s a bit steep, isn’t it? I mean come on!

Sigh. This post might end up being a several day rant just to warn you.

He’s Catholic… it would never work.
Her voice would drive me insane–it’s too squeaky.
He wears braces.
Her teeth are too perfect.
He has a cowlick.
She has a mustache.
He’s gimpy.
She’s got man hands.
His accent is obnoxious.
She looks like she smells funny.

…Do any of these excuses sound familiar? I kid you not, I’ve heard each and every one of them spoken at one point or another by friends, acquaintances, (even I’m guilty of one…ok, maybe two) about a potential date.

Have you ever discarded someone because of something so silly?

Alright. I can’t take it. So much pressure! The media, hollywood, men and heck, other women create so much pressure. Maybe we put it on ourselves…I tend to stress myself out. What do men want? What do we expect out of other women?

To name a few things
we expect women to be… or should I rephrase that–
women, we expect to be…

-maternal but sexy
-feminine and girly but if a woman likes sports, she’s a needle in a haystack
-independent but not so much that she seems aloof, standoffish or like she’s a snob
-thin but not anorexic (what is this fine line? …excuse me while I just grab my BMI chart will you..thanks.)
-we’re supposed to have sex drives but don’t want to show that too soon or we’ll be labeled as “easy”
-as squeaky clean as plastic (sometimes literally…)–think Barbie, ladies- but al natural and boho
-tall with legs a mile long but then again, petite is “in”…like it’s a trend and something that people can decide like lip gloss
-to strategically take care of herself by perhaps “marrying up” but not be a golddigger…

Maybe it just goes to show that all types of men like all types of women …but jeez it can be a challenge to figure out what works. Beauty is everywhere–but it breaks my heart to see women who just can’t seem to see it in themselves and instead compare themselves incessantly to ridiculous ideals and arbitrary standards.

Last night I was working out with a friend. We were on the treadmills for about half an hour when I realized how she was describing her husband of five years.

In a time of astronomical amounts of superficial standards, infidelity and divorce, I was refreshed, relieved…and, I’ll admit, a little taken aback actually by her words.

She described him as being just “an amazing person,” one who, in her mind, would be the “ideal” for any woman looking for a husband. A kind, thoughtful man with dignity and a sure sense of responsibility …and, perhaps her favorite thing of all–the fact that he’s not only a “family man,” but a “husband man” as well. And in being a “husband man,” he wants what is best for his stay-at-home-mom-wife and knows the importance of her having her own identity and individuality.

He knows that at the end of the day, she’s not just “Mom,” who adores him and their three kids, but “Jane,” who also likes adult conversation and has dreams of going back to school as well.

Basically, they’re a team…and not just giving it fifty/fifty, but hundred/hundred. I think that’s something we can all hope for…eventually