Dating Outlook

I’m not talking about arranged marriages. I’ve spoken to a lot of married couples lately and I’m astounded by the number of them who really do not know their spouse…and realize it. I find this to be very scary as a single person. One of my mentors said to me recently, “everyone believes they are marrying their best friend.� It dawned on me that she’s right. No one, even in retrospect of a bad relationship, wants to readily admit they cannot stand the person they’re with…unless they’ve been married thirty years like my parents.

I guess it has to do with this elusive illusion of being “happy� that everyone wants to emulate but unfortunately, not enough people are actually happy. I guess that can account for part of the reason the divorce rate is so ridiculously high.

How scary is it to wake up next to someone you don’t know—and even worse, someone you’ve spent five, ten plus years with, but still don’t really know?

Tonight on my drive home, I was listening to “Loveline� on the radio.

A caller phoned in and was basically trying to figure out how to be attracted to “nice� guys. She explained her childhood as being pretty traumatic.

When she was three, her mother passed away. Her dad took her and raised her but by the time she was ten, he was a verbally abusive alcoholic. Dr. Drew told her to avoid anyone she’s even remotely attracted to because those men will inevitably be emotionally unavailable, addictive personalities and the only way she’ll be able to find “nice� guys who’ll treat her well will be to go through extensive therapy.

Is there any truth to this, do you think? Are our dating lifestyles and types pre-programmed at an early age…predestined and predictable?

I’m just trying to figure out if any of the men I’ve dated have characteristics in common let alone pinpoint something in my childhood that would make me gravitate towards a certain distinct personality.

What do you think?

So I went on one date with this guy. It ended with an unpleasant er…unexpected kiss.

I didn’t feel anything for him. At all. I don’t want to lead him on. What do I do?

Okay, I was brought up to be honest and usually am pretty honest with men as I don’t want them to get the wrong idea right off the bat. I’ve read and have been told by guy friends to just be upfront with a guy if I don’t feel something for him… let him know right away so we’re not wasting each other’s time. I usually don’t have a problem with this. I am that girl who will be brutally honest and actually drop one of two dreaded phrases, “completely platonic,â€? or “like a brother.â€? About a week ago, I told this guy exactly that—“I’m sorry if I led you on at dinner. I had fun, but I want to be clear - my feelings for you are completely platonic.â€?

Now, this is a “smart guy.â€? He’s a licensed doctor, he’s involved in research studies on relationships for goodness sakes… he should know that I’m serious. I’m not playing hard to get. Kinda done with the game playing. They get old a little too fast for me.

I didn’t hear from him for a few days. I thought I was home free. Not so much. Apparently he’s got selective hearing or blindness or …doesn’t take rejection well?

Since then, he has called several times and will leave voicemails… he’s hooked. Um…there’s a reason I’m not calling you back buddy.

I spelled it out for you.

Now, please do both of us a favor and just stop.

I was talking to my mom on the phone the other night. She had been listening to the radio and a woman was talking about relationships. She said there were three rules of thumb to live by in dating.

The first was to “always look your best.� I don’t know how I feel about this one as I’m sitting in my white Hanes wife-beater and gray jogging shorts…but I just got out of the shower, I think these may count as pajamas… if no one sees me in them then it’s as if I never wore it, right?

The second rule was to “always be active in communication – listening as well as speaking.� Growing up, and being an avid talker, authority figures would remind me that I had two ears—to do twice as much listening as speaking with my one mouth.

The final rule she had was to “stay light-hearted.� I think this seems simple and obvious, but really rather important just because many people take themselves and life too seriously. I think a lot of conflict could be avoided if everyone took this piece of advice to stay light hearted.

Swoon.

Have you ever met someone and felt an immediate attraction? You don’t know anything but the height and hair color of the person, but are instantly magnetized. The kind of instant crush that makes you ultra aware of your surroundings to the extent that no matter how confident you might be, you become…let’s say a little self-conscious. You think more about what you’re about to say but you stumble on your words and you may even become a little shy.

I would not characterize myself as a shy person. But I felt my cheeks pink a little tonight when he approached me. I don’t know if it’s the “biological clock� in me people talk about, but the second I laid eyes on him, I thought, “he and I would make pretty babies.� Ask anyone who knows me—I don’t even know if I want babies. Pretty sure he could talk me into it.