Dating Outlook

I knew it had to end when I felt the elusive spark with someone I’d barely met. Now don’t read into that statement. Of course, nothing came of it. Just because I felt a spark didn’t mean I had any intention of acting on it. If that were the case, I’d have something to regret.

It was a fleeting moment, but it was a pandemonium in my heart. Time might as well have stopped. I felt a spark. It devastated me. I realized then and there that I’d never felt butterflies with the person I was supposedly committed to—the guy who moved to Wales to be closer to me while I was studying in England; the guy who was backpacking with me through Europe; the guy who wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I realized the little “chemistry�? we had, I was forcing. My love was not unconditional.

Two years later I still unintentionally compare the men I date to him. I have high standards as it is, but he scaled walls and jumped through rings of fire for me. It just wasn’t right.

It has been two years since I broke up with my most serious boyfriend. It has been two years since I felt like I was worthy of being loved unconditionally. Two years ago I broke his heart.

Let me back up a bit. We had been best friends for about nine months before we made it official. We were interracial. It was complicated. But we got through that. We talked about being together long-term. We even talked about the hypotheticals of marriage, family. His heart was one of the kindest I’d ever known. He was devoted. Loyal. Generous. And he knew how I needed to be loved. Unconditionally.

I loved him. The problem was that I wasn’t sure I was in love. I cared about him deeply. He still reigns as one of my top ten favorite people I’ve ever been lucky enough to meet let alone know. I still consider him one of my best friends of all time. I’m fortunate that he still considers me one of his.

I talk to him about once every month or two to catch up. Mom says I shouldn’t… but he insists that he wants what is best for me and just wants to stay in contact. Maybe Mom and Dad are right when they say he’s trying to stay close enough to be let back in someday. Maybe he is… maybe part of me finds some comfort in that.

To be continued…

It’s non-negotiable here on out. I’ve gone on too many dates/entertained the thought of seeing/had full on long-term relationships with men I just was not that attracted to. Why did I waste my (not to mention their) time when deep in my soul I knew it just wasn’t “right?�? I guess I figured I shouldn’t (or couldn’t) be too picky.

“Maybe I’m passing up the right one,�? I would tell myself. “Just dig a little deeper. He’s great—he’s got goals, will have a great job, you’ll be secure if you stay with him. He’ll love you and be devoted to you forever.�?

But the “spark” cannot be compromised. I decided that compromising the presence of the spark would be cheating myself as well as the other person because who wants to be involved with someone who doesn’t wholly want to be with them?

Nobody’s perfect. Of course I know I’m not. But I guess in my 7+ years of dating, one conclusion I’ve come to is that in order for me to really give a guy a chance, I absolutely must be attracted to him—and not just physically, but emotionally and mentally as well. This trinity connection is crucial.

Unfortunately, the whole package only comes about once every blue moon or two years for me—whichever comes first. Of course, I’ll have a fleeting moment when I find myself lusting after some tall, dark and handsome man about town, but lose interest once his personality creeps out.

I guess I am picky. That’s okay; I’ve convinced myself I’m just making accomodations for when the right one does come along.

xx

Sandy

A few months ago, a friend of mine told me I was too picky. He (completely platonic—he’s actually getting engaged this weekend) said I’d be lucky if I ever found anyone who meets my standards. Luckily for me, he’s one of the more sarcastic folks with whom I associate and he makes a point to remind me to never take him seriously. But, they do say there’s a little bit of truth in every joke, is there not?

It got me thinking. It’s true. I have high standards. But in my defense I try to also live up to those standards. I would like to think I have a solid rope of moral fiber; I have ambition and ultimately want to contribute something good to the world. (So they’re elusive standards—everyone has to start somewhere.) These attributes shouldn’t be so hard to find in another person… it’s just one last thing…something that isn’t so easy to come by and that is I must also feel a “spark�? with him.

Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about. Some call it butterflies; some characterize it as “just knowing�? there’s chemistry between you and another person. I can’t put my finger on it. It’s intangible and yet so crucial to any lasting relationship. If I had to define it here and now, the “spark�? is the initial attraction, the heart of infatuation and the essential ingredient to keeping the fire alive in a long-lasting and loving relationship. It’s something that cannot be forced—it’s very simple—it’s either there, or it isn’t.

To be continued…

Continued from yesterday…

Fast forward to IrritatedAndSpentGirl stopping by (of course she does, after that buildup, who wouldn’t?)… ACGWPG and she have a heated discussion about “playing games�? and he makes a point to address the importance of keeping the “lines of communication open.�?

He confesses that contrary to popular belief, he in fact is not perfect (ha!) and she stresses that perfection is not what she expects, but for someone to be as good as their word. (This conversation was prompted by the notorious game of “phone tag�? and individuals saying they’ll call and not following through… etc.) Discussion ends about as well as it could, with the two making out…er up… making up. (Freudian slip.)

Fast forward about an hour or two later and his ride decides to leave and despite her offers to drive him home later (or in the morning), he insists he must leave then, but kisses her goodbye and promises to call the next day.

He does call and sounds disappointed when she has other plans set (she’s a busy woman). So why on earth would he reject her and seemingly only be interested in seeing her when it’s in a mutual meetup situation after they’ve already been on several dates just the two of them? Where’s this “communication�? he was preaching about earlier? What’s the name of this game? Convenience.

If a relationship becomes inconvenient, it doesn’t work… and unfortunately if it doesn’t work for one of the parties involved, it will not work for either of them, ever. Hopefully as a result, IrritatedAndSpentGirl has been inconvenienced enough by feeling like an inconvenience to finally let it (him) go.

xx
Sandy

Some may call it a “booty call.�? But, if no “booty�? is had, then…can it really be categorized as that? What do they call it when the conversation goes something like this:

Caller: Hey Girl.
IrritatedAndSpentGirl: Hi Anti-CommittalGuyWhoPlaysGames… how are you?
ACGWPG: Good… I was just wondering if you’ve talked to MutualFriendGirl yet? She’s having a party and I was just wondering if you were going to be there?
IrritatedAndSpentGirl: I wasn’t really planning on it… I’m about ready to head home. Were you planning on going over there?
ACGWPG: Oh… well, I thought I might drop by if you were going to be there; otherwise it would be a waste.
IrritatedAndSpentGirl: Oh really. Why is that?
ACGWPG: Oh wait, hold on…. [Insert pause and muffled conversation in background] Oh, well give me a call if you decide to drop by.

It seems as though it’s the setup to something promising… or at least a little bit of drama to appease the parties involved.

Why is it these phone calls only seem to come after there has been a (long) gap in communication? Is there genuine interest left on either end? If there is, is it even worth a continued pursuit?

Obviously given the long and complicated names, both parties have had more than enough opportunity to take their situation to the next step. It makes me conclude that situations like these develop (or maybe regress) into something that’s alive only when it’s convenient.

To be continued…

Tonight, I needed it. Most days when I’m grocery shopping, going for a run or just puttzing around my yard, I get rather annoyed when I hear catcalls, whistles or get honked at. I’ve never really understood this…

Is there anything ever gained from catcalling, whistling or honking… I’m skeptical. I’ve never been successfully picked up by a guy who whistles my way. And I’ve never given my number to someone who has tried to get my attention while he’s behind the wheel, let alone while he’s obnoxiously blaring his horn. It must be an ego thing.

Most days, I object to being objectified. When met with these seemingly misogynistic gestures, these men would be met with a gesture of their own, courtesy of moi. Usually, I’m inclined to make a face, a fist and a finger might make a cameo. I might even throw up in my mouth a little.

But tonight, I’m going to take them as a compliment. A much needed compliment. Tonight was extra nice—I was even chased down…but sorry for him, he was likely stoned and therefore a slug. No match for my whistle-worthy legs.

You see, most self-respecting women do not like being objectified. As far as we women have come in the last century alone, the last thing many feminists (such as myself) want is to be considered a sex object by random men.

But, some days…some nights… when a woman, even a feminist, is PMSing, having an “ugly�? day, or retaining a ridiculous amount of water, she wants to feel desirable. And whatever she can get, she’ll gladly take. So this is a sincere thank-you to the men out there who made some woman’s day by simply sending her a modern day mating call.

On behalf of all of the women out there who are a walking paradox, thank you.

xx

Sandy

Some say age is just a number. I don’t know if I agree with that, but I can’t really argue with it. May/December relationships have always been around. Men have dated and married younger women for years. However, recently there’s been a trend of women pursuing much younger men as well. Demi and Ashton seem to be doing just fine.

I’ve noticed this happening more and more with close friends of mine. Granted, these women are young themselves—only mid-twenties, but they’re dating men who are barely the legal drinking age.

At first, two of my close girlfriends in particular had issues with the age gap even though it was only three or four years.

Maybe it’s a maturity thing that bothered them in the beginning. What then, is the appeal? Perhaps it would be the elusive fountain of youth? In theory, if these women continue to date someone younger than themselves, they’ll be able to keep their “real age�? in perpetuity. Maybe they like being a teacher…or starting over with a fresh, young man without baggage… Or maybe Freud was onto something with the whole Oedipus theory… or maybe they genuinely find happiness in spending time with the other person despite the gap–now there’s a thought.

The website, “Dating for Beginners,�? explores the double standard, the pros and the cons that are part of the “age gap.�? Check it out.

http://www.forbeginners.info/dating/age-gap.htm

xx

Sandy

The internet is great. Where else can you get an easy access how-to manual on how to date right at your fingertips?

Howtodate.wetpaint.com touches on subjects some other sites might shy away from such as the lowdown on dating coaches (what exactly is speed dating?), dating horror stories (we’ve all been there and we can all relate …or lament), and even gives advice on how to break-up the “right�? way. It is filled with commentary from “real�? people in the dating scene who weigh in on controversial topics like sex on the first date or how to decide who pays at the end of the date—thankfully, paying for sex on the first date is not one of those topics…

This site is definitely worth checking out – Howtodate.wetpaint.com
Enjoy!

xx

Sandy

The game. Ah, yes—it took me a bit to catch on this time around. I really should know better. I think back to a little over a year ago when I was dating someone who I was into at first… then lost interest, but continued to see him …maybe it was out of boredom or out of the fear of having no one to kiss; I’m not sure.

We still did fun things together, so I justified it thinking “I have nothing better to do, so why not, right?�? Besides, he was the one insisting that he was going to law school in the fall and our relationship was “just for fun.�? I guess I took his word for it and was on the fence throughout the entirety of the relationship. It seems like “one foot in, one out�? is the best way to play.

Once I made a conscious decision to be more passive about the whole thing—because come on, I have half a brain. We talked about it—we weren’t going to go anywhere, we were just “having fun.�? Or so I thought. It’s as if he had to compensate for my passivity and therefore went into “hunter�? mode. He began to call more often and suddenly wanted to take me out more often and show me a good time.

Then he began mentioning that his mom had asked about me (His mom knew about me?!), or how he had planned for me to meet his sister. His what? I thought this was “just fun?�?

He was a smart guy; he knew what was going on. On several occasions he’d even say to me, “you’re playing your cards exactly right.�? Just right enough I suppose, to keep his interest. That was, until I decided it wasn’t right for me and finally ended it.

We all have our own versions of the game. I’m in the middle of one right now it seems. It took me a little longer to figure it out this time because I guess there’s a shred of genuine interest left in me. Unfortunately, sometimes liking someone clouds our perspective of what’s “real�? and what’s “just fun.�?

We think, “It’s better than nothing.�? It’s sad that’s what it comes down to—comparing “not-quite�? relationships to being “better than nothing.�? Especially when maybe it’s not better… maybe “nothing�? with a clear perspective is the gateway to a much more real “something.�?

In any case, I am almost to the point of deciding this is just not right. Maybe just one last kiss… I can play games too (wink).

xx

Sandy

Most people I know have a “type�? of person they tend to date: the jock, the comedian, the blonde bombshell, the bohemian, the morose loner.

Recently, I came to the realization that I too have a type. I took a quick inventory of the men I’ve dated and have found that for the most part, they are pretty intelligent individuals—that, or they’re musicians… or both.

Four were National Merit Scholars, one a Truman Scholar, all with full tuition scholarships to their university of choice. Two are currently riding out their law/grad school roller-coasters at Ivy League schools.

On the other hand, I’ve dated five guitarists, two pianists, and two guys even composed their own songs. Those are really the only things they collectively have in common… music and IQ.

I was interested to see what other types are out there. I decided to check out http://www.askmen.com/dating/heidi_100/141_dating_girl.html for the low down on types of men to steer clear of… and for the men, a lighter albeit more ridiculous “10 Types of Women to Avoid�? at http://inventorspot.com/dolls_to_avoid

Maybe my “type�? isn’t so cut and dry—or perhaps I don’t have one at all. Enjoy!

Everyone has them. Some probably have more than others. When I am dating, usually there are certain things that are immediate turnoffs for me. I’m talking about deal breakers.

For some, it may be that a person is a kleptomaniac, has a kid, or perpetually smells like patchouli. Undeniably, one of my deal breakers would include the use of marijuana. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not a pothead hater. On the contrary, I’ve rather enjoyed my rare encounters with folk who dabble in the dance with Mary Jane. Honestly, it’s not really so much a judgment thing as it’s just that I prefer to be in a relationship with someone who is completely lucid the majority of the time he and I are together. Am I being unreasonable or prudish? I don’t think so…but I guess I’m kind of biased.

This has never really been an issue with the men I’ve dated. Anyone who had smoked in the past made a point not to do it while they were in a relationship with me. That is, until recently. Thankfully, the lawyer I’m seeing was upfront and honest that he’d smoke on occasion and asked if I have a problem with it. I thought about it for a second and replied that I wasn’t really sure. The truth is, since it’d never been an issue, I guess I had never really thought about it. Fast forward to just a couple hours later when his friends walk through the door drunk and start smoking an arm’s length away from me and I soon came to the realization that I am definitely NOT okay with it.

Maybe it’s the smell, maybe it’s the fact that it’s illegal or maybe it’s the fact that this guy I’m seeing is a lawyer(!) and supposed to be a compass in situations like this. Right? Instead, it just all seemed so inconsistent and maybe part of the reason I was so not okay with it was the fact that I get incredibly irritated with inconsistency. Are you upholding the law or not? Do you take your job seriously at all? So, which laws are okay to break and which are flexible? If you ever get married, are some of the vows you take going to be flexible too? I can see it now, “Yeah honey, the fidelity thing…okay, whatever …but honor and obey…yeah, I’m going to have to ignore that one.�? Oh, the joys of being a woman of who overanalyzes. I’m having flashbacks to the polygraph once again… “Have you ever dated someone who smoked marijuana?�? I’m sensing a theme here. What are your deal breakers? Share with me, let’s get a forum going!

xx
Sandy

Growing up, my dad always told me, “Never assume or you’ll make an ass out of “u�? and me. My dad is a wise man. In my experience with dating, I’ve been more than guilty of making assumptions. Granted, the majority of those assumptions err on the side of pessimism. It’s hard not to make assumptions.

When a guy I’m talking to regularly (read: several times during the week) says he wants to see me on the weekend and ends the conversation with “see you in a couple of days,�? or “see you tomorrow, then,�? I am going to make the assumption that we’re going to see each other in “a couple of days.�? Am I foolish or naïve to take him for his word? “Probably,�? I tell myself, given his flaky tendencies in the past. Do I have unrealistic expectations? I’m beginning to think so. On more than one occasion –due to whatever the circumstance—I’m left confused when nothing comes of the tentative—and I use this term loosely—“date.�?

Maybe it’s a regional thing and I’m just having a tough time coping with the “laid back�? attitude of some Californians. Let me rephrase that, one Californian. Or maybe he’s just not that into me—or at least, not in the way I need him to be. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised anymore. Actually, I’m not… surprised anymore, that is.

Dad’s absolutely correct. Assumptions set someone up for one of two things: disappointment or a false sense of what may be true and real. I can’t help it, some things must be assumed. Unfortunately, from now on, forever erring on pessimism, I’m going to assume his word means nothing.

xx

Sandy

I’m an eternal optimist. I would characterize myself as a pretty positive person. Why then when it comes to dating—and I know I’m not alone here—is it my first inclination to become extremely pessimistic? I become a “worst case scenario�? aficionado.

My imagination runs rampant creating its own dramas and suddenly everything becomes so clear and makes sense to a point where it actually becomes truth in my mind. I.E. Of course the guy I’m seeing isn’t calling me back—he’s with some other girl. He met her at the casino. She’s Russian and her name is Rasklonikova. She’s the daughter of some rich tennis pro and might as well be on the cover of Playboy. Oh, she was. Check out November 2004. He found the love of his life and that’s why he doesn’t have three seconds to call me back!

Okay… so that was a little contrived albeit ridiculous. It isn’t until I really step (or my girlfriends forcibly drag my silly head) out of the box and try to peer in from the outside that I begin to take into account the fact that I overanalyze the minutest of details and am of course probably just hormonal (PMS much!) or having a temporary bout of insanity.

I don’t know how I became conditioned to think this way—it just happens. Maybe I should start looking into writing for a soap opera. Is Young and the Restless still on the air? Are they hiring? Anyone? Luckily for me, the dramas (almost) never come true and I’m brought back to my senses in time before I do real damage and scare the poor guy off for good. That reminds me…he hasn’t called me back…

xx
Sandy

So I received the following scenario via email today…

Anonymous email:
So little story/advice for an upcoming blog….hypothetically speaking: A young nurse is working a “spring break luncheon for other nurses for nurses week. One of the ladies got a “life guard” to come…very attractive single 22 yr old young man wanting to be a fire fighter.

All the nurses go back and forth saying oh blah blah blah u need to go talk to him and vice versa. The shy nurse hesitates as she is the youngest person in the room and feels awkward. Now what does she do since she looks like a jackass, is very unexperienced, and scared when it comes to this stuff? Does she give the lady who knew him her number or does she just brush it off? Advice?

Sandy:
YES i think the “young nurse” should definitely give out her number. BUT, before she does that, she needs to absolutely NEVER think of herself looking like a “jackass.” That is an absolute confidence killer. And an essential element here is confidence. It’s the only ingredient, really. And if she isn’t confident, make her fake it! Breathe, relax and take the opportunity by the horns!

What has she got to lose? Except not ever giving out her number and forever wondering what she might have missed out on… I think it’s at least worth a shot–especially since the other nurses were making a buzz about the “young nurse” because I can 97% guarantee they said something to him too– BUT, he was the one who was the fish out of water and was probably intimidated as heck to approach her because she was on the job and there were other nurses gathered around and and and i could go on and on…

The next time the young nurse gets a chance, I think she should mention something about him to the nurse who knows him and just ask if she knows what he likes to do for fun, where he went to school, what he studies/studied …why he wants to be a firefighter, etc…

Just relax, be yourself … If the nurse who knows him knows ANYthing at all, she’ll take the hint and slip her his number. Have fun with it and it will come naturally. “She’ll” be great

Sincerely,

Sandy