I suck at updating this blog … know why? Because I’m not dating. I’m seeing the same guy over and over again, and we don’t do anything exciting. I’m not comfortable even sharing our boring times together and so I feel like I have nothing to write about. Stuck between a rock & a hard place … I need to do some thinking about what I really want to do here … we’ll see. I may be back!
So, I’ve been dating a guy I’m really into … and our mutual friends have started asking “What’s up with you & Pen?” and I have to stare at them blankly and say “I don’t know!” because it’s the truth. I’ve never done this dating thing before and I really don’t know what he and I are doing … and I don’t know that I want to ask him what we’re doing. I think I like not knowing and not quite having any expectations on what we’re supposed to be doing. I’ve talked to a couple of friends (one mutual, one outsider) who both have different opinions. One said to casually bring it up, and the other said to have fun with it … and so I’m still torn. I’m still of the “wait and see” school and I think he feels the same way. I don’t even know how to judge what he thinks is going on though. I feel retarded!
So, I did some “research” on how to have “the talk” and iVillage’s site gave me four big “tips” on how to start things out. After reading them, I think I’m still going to remain enrolled in the “wait & see” school of dating. Here are some of the main points that made me think more about things. Enjoy and let me know if you want more!
Talk Tip 1: Get a Goal: “A big mistake women make is not knowing what their expectations are,” explains Sharyn Wolf, author of Guerrilla Dating Tactics. “They want their guy to answer the question ‘Where is this going?’ without first answering it for themselves — it’s not fair to him and it doesn’t lead anywhere.” Think about the connection you crave. Is it steady dating? Living together? An engagement? Then consider whether your romantic hopes are compatible with your other lifestyle goals.
Once you’ve checked in with yourself, gauge your guy’s love state. Notice: Does he include you in future plans? Have you met his family? Is he comfortable hanging out with you and his friends together? Those are all good indications that he won’t balk at The Talk. Finally, make sure the love level you long for is a realistic hop forward from your current status.
Talk Tip 2: Pick the Right Setting: The timing and atmosphere can be a major factor in how your guy responds. “Although it seems ideal, before or after sex is always bad — no matter how relaxed he is, his mind won’t be in the right place,” says James Douglas Barron, author of She Wants a Ring…and I Don’t Wanna Change a Thing. “He’ll probably be more likely to agree with you just to end the conversation.” Avoid any situation where he might feel trapped, like in a car or during a romantic dinner, which can feel like a ploy. Also, if friends and family are nearby, keep your lips locked. The best time to catch him is when he’s kicking back. “Guys are approachable when they’re doing mundane activities,” says Barron. “But make sure it’s an activity that lets him focus on what you’re saying.”
Talk Tip 3: Choose Your Words Wisely: You can sink the ship with a slip of the lip. Step one: Ditch the cliche openers. “When a man hears ‘We have to talk,’ he thinks he’ll be criticized,” says Wolf. And “Where do you see this going?” will make him clam up defensively. Instead, open with a positive statement that strokes his ego. Tonya, 31, told her beau of three years that she felt closer to him than any other guy she’d ever known and wanted to get more serious. “We ended up having a long talk about monogamy,” she says. “Being straight with him definitely worked in my favor.” The best tactic is to frame your wish list around a phrase that eases him in, claims Jordan.
“You might tell him, ‘I’ve been thinking about our relationship. I always have a good time when we’re together, which is why I’d like to start seeing you exclusively. What do you think?’ This example shows that you value his opinion and aren’t trying to corner him into saying just what you want to hear.”
If he flat-out rejects your offer, you’re better off saving your breath and taking his word for it, advises Greer. “Don’t get upset or try to convince him to change his mind,” she says.
Talk Tip 4: Seal the Deal: Once you’ve both agreed to take your love to a new level, wade in slowly. “Slipping casually into your new status gives him time to adjust emotionally, assuring him he made the right decision,” says Barron.So if you two are now dating exclusively, gradually introduce him as your boyfriend to friends and family. “He might feel skittish hearing the B-word so soon, even if he’s glad to be that person in your life,” Barron adds.
Yeah, I’m sticking to the “wait & see” school. 
These are all extracts from They Call Me Naughty Lola by David Rose, published by Profile Books.
:: I like my women the way I like my kebab. Found by surprise after a drunken night out and covered in too much tahini. Before long I’ll have discarded you on the pavement of life, but until then you’re the perfect complement to a perfect evening. Man, 32, rarely produces winning metaphors.
:: Your buying me dinner doesn’t mean I’ll have sex with you. I probably will have sex with you, though. Honesty not an issue with opportunistic male, 38.
:: Not everyone appearing in this column is a deranged cross-dressing sociopath. Let me know if you find one and I’ll strangle him with my bra. Man, 56.
:: Are you Kate Bush? Write to obsessive man (36). Note, people who aren’t Kate Bush need not respond.
:: Stroganoff. Boysenberry. Frangipani. Words with their origins in people’s names. If your name has produced its own entry in the OED then I’ll make love to you. If it hasn’t, I probably will anyway, but I’ll only want you for your body. Man of too few distractions, 32. - this one is my ultimate favorite as I am such a word-person. LOL
:: Mature gentleman, 62, aged well, noble grey looks, fit and active, sound mind and unfazed by the fickle demands of modern society seeks…damn it, I have to pee again.
:: Romance is dead. So is my mother. Man, 42, inherited wealth.
:: I’ve divorced better men than you. And worn more expensive shoes than these. So don’t think placing this ad is the biggest comedown I’ve ever had to make. Sensitive F, 34.
:: List your ten favourite albums… I just want to know if there’s anything worth keeping when we finally break up. Practical, forward thinking man, 35
:: My ideal woman is a man. Sorry, mother
A post or two ago I started talking about Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs) and today I stumbled (while doing some research … not just a “hey, I’m going to go play a game, whoa, now I know how to live with Herpes!” kind of stumbling) across a Q & A “article” that made me stop & read it. I thought that I should share it with ya’ll!
Q: I was diagnosed with genital herpes in 2001. My outbreaks sometimes have me in tears for days. How can I try to have a healthy sex life when it’s so easy to pass along this disease? I feel it’s not fair to my partner, and having it makes me feel like I’m not worthy of healthy sex or that I shouldn’t be experimenting with anything because I’m “dirty” now.
A: Forty five million Americans, or nearly one in five people, have the same illness. Another 100 million Americans have oral herpes, aka cold sores, though there is far less of a stigma associated with that strain. All chronic STDs are the result of a virus that can never be eliminated from the body; however, many options exist for managing them.
A healthy, happy sex life is absolutely possible with herpes. However, you must believe it to make it happen. Reach out for support so you can begin getting rid of the shame you feel. Your statements that you feel “not worthy” and “dirty” are powerful feelings. Visiting a therapist can help you accept your condition and focus on moving forward. There are also online support groups for people with herpes. They can offer excellent information and connect you with others going through similar struggles.
Aside from giving your mind the attention it deserves, a healthy lifestyle will help minimize herpes episodes. Getting enough sleep, eating right, and minimizing stress all go a long way toward keeping breakouts to a minimum. Several medications on the market also help.
Negotiating sex with a new partner simply requires honesty. Everyone has something they don’t like about their sexuality or their past. You should be clear about your diagnosis at the beginning of a relationship and if your partner is not willing to work around it, then he is not the right person for you. Arming yourself with the facts will help the conversation go more smoothly. Though there is a small risk of passing on the virus when you don’t have any lesions (via a process known as shedding), studies show that consistent condom use largely minimizes this risk. When you have a visible herpes outbreak, sexual activity should be avoided entirely. This includes oral sex too, since herpes can be passed from the mouth to the genitals.
A good way to begin easing your way back to a regular sex life may be to check out online dating sites for people with chronic STDs. Though you don’t have to limit yourself to them forever, it’s a good place to start.
I don’t know how to date!
Seriously … I talked previously about my dating history and so you can see that I’m not exactly an expert in this. I’m kinda sorta seeing a guy, we’ll call him Pen, and I have no idea what I’m doing. I don’t know whether I’m supposed to call him just to talk, or whether I’m supposed to wait for him to call me. I don’t know whether I should send him emails randomly or wait for him to contact me. I don’t want to be “that” girl … the one who comes on overly strong … because I do like him … but I don’t know what I’m supposed to do! LOL This makes me laugh, and it made my therapist laugh, too. Scuba Steve asked me; “well what do you want to do?” and that only confused me more. I have no idea what I want to do.
Pen and I have been spending one evening during the week together, and then most often one evening (and sometimes night together over the weekends, and that’s just great for me. I still have my own space, keep my own life, and don’t feel bad having a life outside of someone else. (This was a huge struggle for me during my marriage.) However, we haven’t talked about “us,” but I don’t know that it’s even relevant to our dating. Seriously. I feel retarded. I am dating-retarded and don’t know what to do about it.
I don’t think that anyone is reading this blog yet so asking what do you suggest I do/read/think about probably won’t do me much good, but I asked it anyway!
… but need to anyway.
Whether you were taught to call them Sexually Transmitted Diseases or Sexually Transmitted Infections, you need to be aware of the fact that they’re still out there! Dating can be a dangerous playground mentally & emotionally, and especially physically! I am going to take some time to concentrate on the most common sexually transmitted infections for a bit in hopes of educating someone!
First on my list is a virus containing more than 100 different strains or types: the human papilomavirus, with more than 30 of these viruses transmitted sexually can infect the genital area of men and women including the skin of the penis, vulva (area outside the vagina), or anus, and the linings of the vagina, cervix, or rectum. The “high-risk” viruses may cause abnormal Pap smears, can lead to cancers of the cervix, vulva, vagina, anus or penis. “Low-risk” can cause mild Pap smear abnormalities or genital warts. Scarily enough, 1/2 of the sexually active population (yes, 50%) acquire HPV in their lifetime. By the time women are 50, 80% will have acquired the virus. About 6.2 million Americans get a new genital HPV infection each year.
Read more about HPV including signs & symptoms, facts about men & HPV, vaccinations & cures, and outbreak reduction strategies.
STI’s, STD’s, genital warts, human papilomavirus, HPV, cervical cancer, sex
Instead of an actual Strange Date posted today, we’re going with Strange Personal Ad creator.
Mine would read something like this: “Cuddly librarian seeks flexible scientist for trivial pursuit, color coordinating, and digging wells. Must not live with mom, enjoy Fresca, and be tolerant of gold fish. Your own car a plus. Alfred E. Neuman lookalikes need not apply.”
Create yours and share with me!
Sorry for the lack of post today - I am not feeling myself today and so tomorrow you shall get two posts out of me!
So you wanna know about my dating history? Easy … I can say; “what dating history?” and be almost 100% honest with my laughter towards the answer. I have an easy dating history to talk about.
3rd grade: KO kissed my cheek on the bus, I ran off & told my dad. He told me never to tell him stuff like that again. I really remember that. I still don’t tell him anything dating-wise.
5th grade: KS and I talked on the phone every day. I went to his birthday party. He collected trolls - and I added to his collection.
then boys got to be shorter and dumber than me for quite some time
8th grade: CH, my first real boyfriend and I kissed. I consider his kiss to be my first ever. He and I professed our love for one another. We still love one another. Too bad he’s gay. LOL
9th grade: RR and I saw lots of movies and hung out at our houses (with parental supervision) for a long time. His dad died the day before I was going to dump him so I stuck it out for a while. Just what a guy needs - a dead dad and a girlfriendless summer. (I should not be laughing at this, but I am.)
10th grade: I started the year dating NM … RR’s best friend … LOL … it lasted a month before I realized that I didn’t want to start high school “tied down.” Little did I know that I would meet Ex about two weeks later. A month after meeting we started dating and were inseparable. We were that gross high school couple.
12th grade: Ex moved away (2 hours North) to school, and in April of my Senior year of high school he proposed. I accepted but returned the ring and broke up with him in May. I wasn’t ready to be married, I hadn’t even left my hometown yet.
Freshman year of college: CW and I started seeing one another. He was three years younger than me and it posed quite a problem. His dad once accused me of being Satan. (Yes, being Satan.) Needless to say, it didn’t work out for us. AM and I went on a few dates but his insanely goofy nature was too much for me to put up with. In Chemistry it was great - chem lecture was boring as hell - but everywhere else it got annoying.
In May of my Freshman year Ex asked to get back together, and since I hadn’t been happy dating other guys, I gave it another chance. A year later he proposed again and we were married a year after that. We’ve been divorced for almost 9 months now. Obviously we weren’t meant to be together … as much as we tried to force it.
So yeah, I can count the number of guys I’ve dated on two hands. I’m going to be 25 this year and while part of me is proud of this fact, part of me feels pretty lame for it. We’ll see if I can’t change that in 2007 though!
Are you supposed to plan your next date? Are you stuck for ideas? Check out this post - a list of date ideas.
* go to the zoo or aquarium - bring your camera and take silly pictures with your date and the animals
* see a play, musical, movie, dance performance or concert - but this makes makes it hard to have a conversation so it may not be the greatest if it’s your first date or if you both like to talk
* visit an art gallery - laugh at the fact that you could probably paint like Jackson Pollock if you really wanted
* play board or card games - bring yourself back to your childhood and break out the games, I don’t know anyone who doesn’t like at least one board game!
* go camping - if you’re ready to hang out overnight, head out for a hiking & camping trip. Enjoy the fact that you can’t shower and your date is about to see you at your crunchiest!
* check out mini-golfing - no one has to be good at it, the worse you are, the more fun the game will be!
* play in the rain together - this is really fun … have you ever puddle-jumped in the rain? Played tag in the rain? Just danced around in the rain? Try it out - it makes you feel great!
* go for a drive - gas may be expensive but it would be worth sitting in the car and being able to talk while driving around … get lost, find your way out and have fun with it!
* rent a movie or just watch TV together - if you & your date want something low-key, watch the boob-tube. You can talk during it, mute the commercials, pause for bathroom breaks, and enjoy yourself comfortably.
* go to a playground - talk about fun; make yourself feel 8-years-old again. Play on the slides (get shocked when you land at the bottom), play on the swinging bridge, push your date on the swings (don’t get stuck in the baby-swing though!) and laugh until your stomach hurts.
* find a coffee place - look for a place that is going to be quiet, sit on a couch, read the newspaper together and enjoy a cup of hot (or cold) liquid together!
Don’t know what to say to your date tonight? Just plug his or her name into the Flattery Generator and create your own script to take with you!
Have a bad date? Get revenge on the person who set you up!
Plug the money you are paying with into Where’s George in hopes of tracking it!
Mordant Orange, cartoons, goldfish, butt print art, dates, flattery generator, Revenge Lady, Where’s George
#14. Passover
The Date: the holiday requires Jews to open their doors to all those who do not have a place to celebrate Passover. All his older brothers & sisters are married, so you better look good.
Location: Gramma Bubbe’s stuffy one-bedroom apartment in Queens.
He said: “Why is this night different from all other nights? Because you look Jewlicious.”
She said: “Why is your grandmother crying?”
Best part: When he preemptively called you his girlfriend and kissed you on the cheek.
Worst part: His gefilte fish breath.
#41. She Didn’t Shut Up
The Date: To avoid any awkward silence, she spews forth a run-on sentence comprised of commentary about her life so far, a recitation of the menu, her great ambitions, and the haunting traumas of her upper-middle-class family.
Location: Unfortunately, a very quiet restaurant.
He said: “Uh-huh. Yeah. You don’t say. Hmm. Uh-huh.”
She said: “… which is when my parents got divorced which likely resulted in my other brother Jason dropping out of college to join an ashram where he got addicted to black tea and then got involved in an herbal products pyramid scheme which brings me back to my point that …”
Best Part: The brief moment she choked on a carrot.
Worst Part: When the waiter knew the Heimlich maneuver.
I haven’t been on a “real” date in years. I haven’t had someone ask me to dinner, pick me up, take me out, take me to the movies, and then drop me off afterwards yet. All this, and I’m already nervous about a “potential” first date. In order to prepare myself for this first date, I enlisted the Internet’s help and was completely overwhelemd by the number of first date “do’s & don’ts” that there are. The two that were my favorite were both written by college newspapers - and as a recent college grad (2004) I felt more comfortable reading these ones than the ones written by 45-year-old divorcee’s.
So, without further ado, I have pulled the 10 first date do’s & don’ts from Gretchen Ross & Jeremy Plezer of University of Illinois at Springfield! (My notes are in bold after their “rules.”)
1. Don’t dress like you just woke up or like you are attending church. Okay, so no pajama-dates and no Sunday-morning church dates. I can handle showering and looking decent but still feeling comfortable.
2. Don’t let the conversation be one-sided with awkward pauses. I talk too much. I know I talk too much. This could end up leaving my date on the one-sided awkward pause date. There are heaps & piles of “safe” things to talk about, college sports (the only real sports I know anything about), jobs, the town we live in, mutual friends. I’ll bring a roll of duct tape in my purse just in case I get verbal diahhrea. The authors of this article say to avoid bringing up sex, politics & religion, but I had a great conversation with a guy last night about religion, so if you’re comfortable, I say go for it!
3. Don’t remained glued to the cell phone the entire date. Who talks on their cell phone on a date? Seriously, I think that’s just weird. I don’t even talk on the cell phone for long periods of time when I’m with friends. It’s rude!
4. Don’t bring up past relationships. I agreee. On this first date, your new date doesn’t need to know all about your past. I wouldn’t shy away from mentioning that I was divorced, if I was asked about my past, but I’m not going to be offering up any details on why I’m no longer married on this first date! “Enjoy the moment of spending time with someone new.”
5. If you are at a meal, don’t order for the other person. Did you hear that, potential first date guy? Don’t order for me! I think this is just a strange custom. I have never been with friends who have even ordered for me and would be bothered if a guy started picking out my food. I am an adult, you don’t have to do this for me.
6. Don’t overdo the PDA. What? On the first date? You mean I can’t keep my hand in your back pocket all night long? Who does this stuff on a FIRST date? I’ll respect your space and I assume that you’ll respect mine! As if the entire night weren’t awkward enough as it is, back off unless you ask first and I okay it!
7. Don’t ask or assume that because you are on the first date that you are automatically in a relationship. “A first date is like an audtion for a play or a job interview.” You are looking at potential here, not immediately husband (or wife) material. One date does not constitute a relationship!
8. Don’t set extremely high goals for the date. Your number one priority on your first date should be to get to know the person you’re out with more than you did before. Most of the time this will be easy - but you don’t have to plan everything down to the last milliseconds to have fun and get to know someone. “Hang out … get to know the person” and have fun with it.
9. Don’t be late. Number 9. Oh, why isn’t this number 1? I am a stickler with time. If I were a super-hero, my name would be “Perpetually Early Girl.” I hate being late and I hate it when people are late if they’re meeting me for something. Being on time shows a person that they are important to you - and who doesn’t like to be made to feel important? (especially on a first date) If you have to, set your clocks ahead so you’re early, even! Impress me, be there before me!
10. Don’t be fake. Be. Yourself. You were probably acting just like your own self when your date asked you out, and they want to get to know that person, not your “cool alter ego.” Your true personality will make an appearance even if you don’t want it to, so why bother faking it? I am much more attracted to a man who is confident in himself (yet still modest) and who he is, rather than someone trying to put on a front towards me. If you’re afraid that your sarcasm or your honesty might be too brutal at time, just tone down your personality; it’s still your personality that’s coming out, just not as strong!
dating, lists, personal, men, women, love, kiss, dates, first dates, awkwardness, how-to, to-do, time management, University of Illinois
If you’re anything like me, music plays an immense part in you life. Right after getting divorced, I asked my friend sto create a “best breakup songs” list for me, and I still listen to it when I need to. Here are some of my favorites from those songs!
1. Let Him Fly - Patty Griffin’s version (although The Dixie Chick’s version is really good, too)
2. Before He Cheats - Carrie Underwood (hiliarious song even if he didn’t cheat)
3. She’s Like the Wind - Patrick Swayze (from the Dirty Dancing soundtrack)
4. How am I Supposed to Live Without You - Michael Bolton (so sad, and it make me laugh thinking about how sad I really found it then)
5. Miss You Like Crazy - Natalie Cole
6. You Oughta Know - Alanis Morisette (still, anything by her makes me feel empowered and strong … I love me some Alanis)
7. Big Girls Don’t Cry - The Four Seasons (well, we do, but this song still makes me happy to listen to it)
8. Where Did the Love Go - Tegan & Sara (amazingly beautiful and (to me) haunting song)
9. I Will Survive - Gloria Gaynor (every woman needs to know all the words to this song. Honestly, for a long time, I was only surviving five minutes at a time, and this song was really powerful to me during each of those five minutes.)
10. The Beekeeper - Tori Amos (”Don’t say it’s time to say goodbye to Pisces. I cried and I washed my tears that turned into diamond ice, into ice and if it could freeze my heart wouldn’t float away.” I. Love. This. Song.)
songs, music, break-up music, breaking up, relationships, Patty Griffin, Carrie Underwood, Patrick Swayze, Michael Bolton, Natalie Cole, Alanis Morisette, The Four Seasons, Tegan & Sara, Gloria Gaynor, Tori Amos
What's not to like about dating? Plenty. The awkwardness, the drama and starting all over again (and again...) until we find that special someone. However, there are some pretty great things about dating and if nothing else, hopefully you meet some great people along the way. Stick around for some not so humble opinions, reflections and thoughts about the good, the bad and the downright ridiculous woes of dating.
Dating Outlook Author(s)
» Sandy
