Dating Outlook

My friends (a couple) got married last Saturday.

It is really hard for me to come to grips with reality and realize that yes, I am in fact old enough for the people around my age – including my (gasp!) friends – to get married. They are off making life commitments to each other. “Til death do us part.� The Word says so. I on the other hand, have issues committing to a picking up the office payroll. Who knows? I might get stuck in traffic/what if I get in a car accident?/the (gorgeous mmm) FedEx guy might show up at my door…whatev. Any and/or all of the above are plausible consequences to my aforementioned “commitment.� Til DEATH DO US PART?! Really?

Does it count if either of us is responsible for said (accidental of course! Sheesh!) death… of one or the other? What if we just so happened to become so passionate in love that one of us licks and therefore eats the other alive? What if my beloved (let’s pretend it’s the FedEx guy, k?) actually spoon-feeds himself to me (like frozen custard!) in order to “become oneâ€? with me? Does the “til deathâ€? rule have a cannibalism clause? I must say, that really is a whole new take on that Spice Girls hit…(singing…totally on key) When two become one… anyway…

Hey, I just want to know what I’m in for when I’m committing to anything (or anyone! for that matter), for life… Hmm… I may need to consult a lawyer…sounds a bit like a contract to me… “Each party MUST refrain from biting to wherefore said teeth protrusion breaks skin and therefore leads to the eating of the other alive…� Now that’s romance. I’m getting giddy. (Sarcasm, people…read it. Please, just roll your eyes and move on.)

What is my deal, man? Is my mom right? Have I just not found the “right one� yet? Or am I just a commit-o-phobe/ relationship-relunct? What is the fundamental difference between me … and a marital maven?

I guess it goes without saying that G and I are over. He’s been in New Zealand now for two months.

We hung out again after I got back from visiting home during Christmas. We went out to a really great Italian restaurant to catch up. He brought me almond champagne and we went out east to celebrate one of my friend’s birthday. It was the first time he was meeting anyone in my group of friends…besides of course for the mutual friend who introduced us.

I remember being weary of the thought of G, the gentleman, the well-to-do, well-educated prep, gorgeous and dark featured rich kid meeting my friends… I don’t know if I was caught up in a twisted fixation of my own judgment, or what it was that made me nervous… I guess I was scared I wouldn’t be “myself.� Whoever the hell that is. I was scared of being put on the spot by my friends. What if they thought I was putting on a show for G if I wasn’t being my loud and obnoxious self? What if they didn’t like him? What if he didn’t like them? Would it matter?

It is a little sobering to think about… because I guess the only way I can explain it was that I honestly thought he was better than me. Like I had some secret about myself I needed to hide. I was so afraid of him finding out that I’m imperfect (gasp!) that I kept pushing him away with all my might…hoping the opposite wouldn’t inevitably occur.

It’s been awhile. I’ve been on hiatus…studying for the GRE, taking the GRE, researching grad schools… it’s been a trip. Admittedly, not as cool as the trip to Japan I’m about to go on in two months, but a trip nonetheless. Here’s hoping.

Looks like I’ve got some catching up to do.

Since my sabbatical, I have dated a few men… a single dad originally from Minnesota who just so happens to live in my neighborhood in San Diego. I met him on the plane ride home for Christmas. I was seated next to him and his eight year old daughter. Now, I know I’ve read about how women automatically think too much into dating. We look way too far ahead for our own good. I would have to say that I’m guilty of doing that. Although, I think I do it to a different degree.

Here is this single dad. He teaches special needs children. He is involved with his daughters’ extra-curricular activities and even helps coach softball. He has an amazing sense of humor, is good looking and pretty much has a heart of platinum.

In a word: great. No, not great. Great! He deserves a capital “G.� Pretty sure his personality is who I eventually see myself with for the long haul…but the timing is just so off. That and, I guess I came to the ugly realization that I am too selfish to come second. Because of course, that’s the way it would have to be. He is a father. His little girl must be priority one. I’m not ready –and I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready—to settle for being put on the back burner.

I surprised myself this weekend.

I haven’t hung out with G since the night at his parent’s mansion and he kissed me out of nowhere. So fine. Whatever. Except that he insists on emailing me during the work week several times a day and asks if I’d be interested in hanging out with him and his friends who are coming to visit the following weekend. By the way, he thinks it’s time to see me drunk so he’ll recruit another to drive and we’ll just have a grand old time… okay..? He asks this on Monday and continues in shared dialogue with me throughout the rest of the week so I can analyze and dwell for five, six, seven days! Instead of just oh, two or something more reasonable… and Yadda yadda yadda…weekend comes, don’t hear a peep out of him. GAH!

And I tell myself, Sandy, sweetie. Sit down. He’s just not that into you. Say it with me. Honey, he’s…okay, he’s just…HE’s JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. Read the book. Or listen to the audio…it’s good.

And I know this. What’s funny is that I’m not all that into him either. Which is why I’m surprised. So, did I underestimate my feelings for him? Do I like him more than I think?

What’s worse is that I was helping a friend move all weekend. I was legitimately and quite genuinely busy most of the weekend. And when I was done I was tired–and am still sore actually.

Sure I could’ve sort of made time for him. But what’s sick is that I think I just wanted him to call because I wanted to be missed or something and honestly, part of me wanted to turn him down for hanging out and who knows, maybe I even wanted him to beg me a little. What can I say?

I know that’s terrible. What I typed right there, yes. I know. But I think it’s the truth. I really just missed the attention, that’s all. Sigh. I know that’s lame. Maybe even a little pathetic. But I know we all get to that point sometimes. And it sucks for a bit.

It’s times like these when I miss being a relationship person—I’m kind of an all or nothing girl I’m beginning to realize—and I’ll often wonder if leaving my ex-boyfriend was the right decision. I know it was for the time, but I can’t help but wonder what would be different if our paths crossed again.

By the way, he wants to see me in two weeks…did I tell you that? Dun dun dun.

Tonight I was listening to a friend who was talking about her current relationship with her boyfriend. They have been together for about four and a half months.

She expressed concern because he has a tendency to get frustrated with his mother, who he lives with and takes care of because his dad passed away. She talked about how he gets upset with his mom because she has a tendency to be late all the time and how she isn’t very financially stable and will sometimes make impulse buying decisions.

Apparently, unbeknownst to him, she has these same habits and is afraid to just be honest with him about it for fear of rejection.

It’s hard to really be your true, whole self with someone you are just starting to care about. The early stages are so rocky—make one false move and it’s still easy for one to run away unscathed. There’s that fear that showing them your true self and becoming vulnerable will backfire and you’ll get hurt. I know I’m guilty of this.

Heck, men can’t even get me to the exclusive four month pivotal point because I either make them jump through so many hoops in an attempt to prove to myself that they’re not right for me, or I tell myself lies and make up fake dramas surrounding them and our relationship, become disappointed and deliberately pull away.

I don’t really do it with intention to harm them or act maliciously, but I just kind of make myself disappear until they force me to crack and open up just a little more for them. I’m a wreck. But aren’t we all?

Just a little?

I love the holidays. I’m a giver more than a receiver so I like to find the *perfect* gift. Have you read Holiday Gift Giving I and II? Read on for more ideas to share with your significant other this season…

If you happen to be or know someone who is crafty, there’s myriad of options for giving the greatest gift. In recent years, my mom’s favorite new hobby was knitting. Know a knit-wit? Consider knitting, crocheting or buying a homemade scarf or hat to give to your loved one.

Grandma loves to make denim quilts – which, by the way are amazing—they are so heavy and cozy! These are absolutely perfect for cuddling up by the fireplace on subzero nights in the cabin or during those freezing Minnesotan (or heck, all of the Midwest) months.

If you work well with wood either as a hobbyist or professional, consider making a plaque or display case. My dad has his own woodworking shop. It came in handy a few years ago when I was in a serious relationship and my boyfriend at the time was really into his guitar. I bought an eight inch replica and pleaded with Daddy to make a cube display case for the guitar to sit in. The beau loved it.

Hobby shops such as Hobby Lobby in the Midwest or Michael’s craft supply store make it pretty simple to come up with an idea and often have a good selection of “do it yourself� kits for making your own stained glass, jewelry and scrapbooks just to name a few.

Whatever you set your sights on, go into it with the right frame of mind and put your heart into it. Whoever is the recipient will surely know you thought long and hard into giving them a keepsake.

I love the holidays. I’m a giver more than a receiver so I like to find the *perfect* gift. Have you read Holiday Gift Giving I? Read on for more ideas to share with your significant other this season…

CD compilations are good if you’re familiar with your sweetie’s favorite genre—mixing in a few new indie and underground songs is always fun for me because I feel like I’m allowing the other person into my secret music club of awesomeness.

You don’t have to over-think it like I do. In fact, if you celebrate Christmas, I’d recommend including “Step into Christmas� by Elton John, Frank Loesser’s “Baby it’s Cold Outside,� or Brenda Lee’s “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree.� And I’m not Jewish, but I’ll admit, around the holidays I can’t get enough of Adam Sandler’s “Hanukkah� song.

Or! Do you play your own instrument? I had a boyfriend once who recorded himself playing a song he’d written to me. Romantic, right? If you’re a guy wanting to impress the girl in your life, this is a surefire way to get noticed and let her know you’re definitely into her.

DISCLAIMER: However, if you’re not exclusive or “official� yet, maybe wait to give a gift like this until after those boundaries have been set.

Nothing is worse than jumping the gun and scaring the other person off. If you think this would be a possibility, wait until Valentine’s day, her birthday, or a set “more official� anniversary date.

If you have been dating each other for awhile and know in fact that she is into you as much as you are into her and she enjoys gifts from the heart, you can’t go wrong. She will appreciate the thought, time and effort you took into doing something just for her. She will cherish it…and she’ll cherish you.

Do you have someone special in your life this holiday season? I do not. Well, not really. But for those of you who do and are finding yourself amid the struggle between finding something that person will really like and something that is sentimental and from the heart, here are a few ideas that have worked for me in the past…

I am a sucker for homemade gifts—I adore everything homemade—especially food. Every year, one of our family friends brings around a basket of fudge, muffins and sugar cookies every year. It’s one of the things I look forward to during the holidays.

Last year was the first year I spent away from home so I was unable to enjoy her basket of yummy goodness and I regretted it a little. This year, I’m making up for it and plan on stuffing myself.

This year I’m putting together goody baskets including almond bark dipped pretzels and holiday brownies. Don’t forget drinks! Homemade apple cider and hot cocoa will be sure to warm your honey’s heart *wink* Or! Try having eggnog on ice with a little bit of Captain Morgan—perfect for winding down by the fire. Oh, and don’t try roasting any chestnuts—especially if it’s early in the relationship.

Haha—I have been there, done that. Just an FYI – They stink up the house and aren’t very tasty. However, I guess it could be a good test of the other person’s patience, willingness to try new things and their sense of humor when things go awry… something to think about I suppose.

Alright. I dislike misogynists—and that includes those in “recovery�—if there is such a thing. I guess man-haters are just as bad. Altogether, they are not very happy people. When I was out with a guy recently, he confessed to me that he’d been a misogynist at one time. He explained it was because he had been living in California since high school and said that all the women he encountered had grown up being used to being fed by a silver spoon.

I’m not really sure what he meant exactly—if it was just his assumption that all attractive women must be stuck up snobs and therefore he was fully justified in over-generalizing half of the human race – er, correction – make that just the “attractive-according-to-him� women as being worthless.

I don’t know. What I do know is that for “no longer being a misogynist,� he really liked to “correct� me. Although, unbeknownst to him, most of his “corrections� were just him not understanding my dry, sarcastic, often facetious and sometimes callous humor. Not only did I imagine myself getting increasingly irritated with him, I wonder to myself what other women without patience think. What would other people in my position – right then and there- do?

I feel a little sad for him. I would hate living life waiting for my next opportunity to tell someone that they are wrong and therefore suck at life—okay, maybe not that far. But he’d use it as a segue into how knowledgeable and philosophical and successful he was… more than a little exhausting to listen to let alone try to uphold the light end of a very weighted conversation.

Hm. Not my favorite way to date, methinks.

So I ended it with A. The night after our date actually. I couldn’t bring myself to see him face to face again – especially after the shared humiliation of the would-be car wreck. And he’s pretty chatty and awkward on the phone, so I emailed him.

I have to admit, I think I’m a bit much to take. I pity any guy who even attempts to date me—I wouldn’t have the energy to put up with my crap if I were someone I wasn’t really all that into. I’m pretty brutal—and with that, brutally honest.

I thought I was straight with him, but I don’t think he believed me when I had told him the night before that I really do in fact enjoy being single….and now, after the fact as I’m thinking about it, alive. I like living and being mobile and not being rammed into trees or having the fear of being rammed into a tree. I mean, if a little nervousness causes tree-ramming, what does an argument six months into a real relationship perpetuate?

So, taken from the advice of a (male) friend, I just came out with it. “Be blunt about it. I, like other guys, don’t take subtle hints.� Hah. Okay then. Here goes nothin’.

“Hi A. Thanks again for last night. Dinner was nice. Like I said, I think you’re a great guy. However, despite how I may feel about you as a person, my feelings for you are completely platonic. That’s why I pulled away when you kissed me. I’m sorry, I just don’t think I feel the same way you do. I know you have a lot coming up with graduation. I wish you the best of luck.�

Too harsh? I don’t know.

It is so weird. I am reflecting on the last couple of months and how different my dating experiences have been—and the contrasts between G and A.

For anyone new to my blog, I have been casually seeing G for a little over two months and A has been a two week spurt.

G is typical SoCal –laid back and doesn’t take much too seriously.

A is intense. He is a type A typical East Coast personality in perpetual overdrive. He even mentioned in passing that his new goal is to speak faster because once he moves to New York City to be a mogul on Wall Street, they won’t be able to tolerate slow, coherent California speech.

I suppose it makes sense, but it really is funny to me how my individual relationships with both of these people match their personalities to a tee.

One has been smooth-sailing and is pretty much perfect for what I want and need right now because there is absolutely no pressure. At all. It is great. And there is an end in sight when he leaves for New Zealand in a couple of months. So there’s a bonus.

The other has got me feeling like in warp speed and can’t slow down to breathe—and of course, his knack for face swallowing doesn’t help me much in that area either. Thankfully, there’s an end in sight to this one too since he’s moving shortly after graduation next month.

Off the hook again. Ahh—it’s true what they say. The grass is always greener. Especially for women who can’t make up their minds (guilty.)

A “Thanksgiving present?� Way to freak a girl out. I deliberately decided not to call him back. I like to play hard to get… In any case, there will be no gift giving. I want no presents unless it’s a French silk pie.

So he very deliberately made the moment extremely uncomfortable and all but forced me to tell him that I wanted to know what it was and that “I careâ€? about what it was. And then (sigh) awkwardly—and in an attempt to be gallant—he tried to dip-kiss me. And deep kiss me at that. Yep. That was the “gift.”

And it was bad. I felt like I was being swallowed whole. He then proceeded to do it on several other occasions throughout the night because apparently getting my entire face into his mouth was the goal. I just didn’t know how to play along. He called me on it too. “You pulled away.� Hell yes, I pulled away. Contrary to popular belief, getting smothered is not a fetish of mine.

It’s very odd because I don’t think I’ve ever had to break it out on the second date, but I found myself needing to be very clear in my intentions—or lack thereof. He’s a smart guy so I thought my defiant albeit too-honest and actually in retrospect too-nice speech about how I have no plans whatsoever of exclusivity or commitment with anyone (including him) in the future would have sufficed in getting him to back off… but apparently not.

He invited himself to my friend’s birthday party this weekend and couldn’t even remember how to say his name. Which honestly, still pisses me off a little. And then, we shared a near death experience by his miscalculation of a sharp turn with his fancy schmancy corvette. …I’m scared to stick around to see his idea of a Christmas gift.

So, it really sucks when someone is way—and I mean waaaaaayyyyyyy into you and it’s unrequited. Last night I went on a second date with A. For the most part, he’s got his act together. Great guy. Maniacal driver, but good guy. Unfortunately, I’m just not that into him. I could take him or leave him and not really give it a second thought. I hate to admit it, but it’s true. It’s that weird “platonic� feeling that sometimes I’m a little convinced that only women feel. And it sucks. Especially because A doesn’t understand the concept of being platonic. Or backing off. At all.

We went out for burgers at Red Robin and gorged ourselves so I was already feeling nauseous. Not a good set up for anyone or any romantic scenario whatsoever. He wanted to go for a walk down by the bay. Great. He held my hand. Sometimes this is okay, but most times—especially so early in, I really can’t handle hand-holding. It drives me batty. I don’t know what it is. I think it brings back awful memories of my possessive high school boyfriend dragging me out of a Fuel concert and demanding to know if I loved him more than music that I listen to “in vain.� Ha. Yeah. Issues. And I’m not subscribing.

Anyway—he held my hand and led me to the playground where he asked me if I’d gotten his message about him forgetting to give me my “thanksgiving present.� Uh. …Excuse me?

“You are too picky, Miss Sandy.� The words of my friend’s daughter, a thirteen year old. I’ve been pondering the comment since Thanksgiving and have come to a conclusion—she may be right.

However, what I do wish that I could relay to her would be my varying experiences—some good, some bad. I wish I could articulate the degrees of love—both the excruciating pain as well as the immense swell of the heart.

What’s tough is that despite how profound some feelings may be, some of them can never be put into words, and some never should be.

I could only playfully tease her by telling her if she knew what was good for her, she’d avoid men until she was thirty-nine—something my dad says to this day. All I can say is that sometimes it really is hard. It’s hard to discern what is right and what is wrong –especially when someone treats you very well overall.

I guess, I could tell her that sometimes it really is hard—and harder as you get older and become more “mature� and grow into an adult. The lines become less black and white…it’s like vision being blurred with age.

Suddenly, and I don’t know how this happened, Mom isn’t silently exchanging disapproving glances to Dad as the guy I’m giddy for talks with his mouth full, says something arrogant or basically makes a pig of himself.

I get—or have to—trust my own judgment. It’s scary being left to your own devices. It’s scary for me. My mom keeps telling me that “he’s not in California.� She’s convinced…and maybe I’m starting to believe her a little.

Since my unexpected parcel last week, I have had breakups—particularly mine with JC—on the mind. Thankfully as part distraction, I have been catching up on some reading this weekend. In Myreah Moore and Jodie Gould’s Date Like a Man, the ladies pull together a cut-and-dry “Ex-Files Quiz� to help women better identify when it is time to let go of that guy who just doesn’t seem to cut it…

“How do you know when it’s time to let go?

If you answered yes to five or more of the questions above, it’s time for you to ex-terminate your relationship.”

Wow. I’m taking a silent inventory and realizing just how much I’ve learned in my 7+ years of dating men… I must admit, my standards (which were slim to none when I began because I had even less of a clue then than I do now) have completely changed. It’s weird because I’ve become someone who follows intuition about each date and goes from there. I think it’s necessary to kiss the toads to figure out what you ultimately want out of a man, a relationship and yourself.